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Review #4150802
Viewing a review of:
 Everything I never said.  [13+]
A teenager experiencing life in all its glory.
by lovelife
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi lovelife!


Welcome to WDC from
*Balloonr* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


What a sweet story. Life is lived by the moments, and this short story captured a few poignant seconds of a girl's life. Both characters had personalities to remember.

The girl worried me. I had the feeling his guy might be okay for her, if only she had the bravery to look up. I was encouraging her as I read. "Look up before this moment is gone."

Because of her prior experience, it's understandable she would be reluctant to make herself open and vulnerable. The actions of the guy, staying close to her, made it clear to me that here was someone she could trust.

You captured her innocence and insecurities in a way that came across as authentic. Nicely done!

There's a few writing skills you can pick up along the way. I'll give you some examples. Remember, fiction is immediate, happening in the moment, especially a romantic moment.

Rather than her temperature increasing and her heart beating at an unprecedented rate, consider,
Her whole body flushed and her heart pounded in her throat.

Try to use less words for greater effect.
leaning in towards her and his face so close to hers.
Now, I can't possibly rewrite this for you, but incomplete sentences are another useful tool to capture an escalating situation. Here's a few thoughts for your consideration.

His back arched. Face to face, she gently caressed his cheek, not wanting to mar his perfection. (or the perfection of him)

9am 9 A.M.

Keep in mind word economy; it's an awesome tool to carve out only the necessary in a short story. Keep on writing more stories!


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/03/2015 @ 2:35pm EDT
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