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Review #4151485
Viewing a review of:
 A Little Trip  [ASR]
A confused man wonders what's going on. And what's that noise?
by pavlovscats
Review of A Little Trip  
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello, pavlovscats . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to WDC today with a quick review. Feel free to email me if you have any site questions or need a hand finding your way around. *Thumbsup*

General thoughts. Well, this story sure was a little trip. I love flash fictions and I felt myself guessing throughout the story to figure out where Keegan was and what was going on with him. For some reason, it took me until the very end to figure out what was going on. *Laugh*

That's cool. I guess just based on the fact that the ending came as a surprise to me says that you did a good job of telling the story in a way that didn't reveal too much too early. I really like the ending and Keegan's only lines in the story. It was a cool way of summing everything up without exactly spelling out what had happened. I also loved the part where the EMTs talk about the taco stand next to the hospital and being hungry. *Laugh* It was just a good comic relief.

Improve this. I'm sort of stuck on the onomatopoeia used throughout the story. The entire time, I kept thinking it was a donkey or something. The eeee-oooo just reminds me of a donkey for some reason. I guess that might be eeee-awww? I'm not sure anymore. *Laugh* Either way, I think if it would have been something like weeee-woooo, I would have had a much greater chance of guessing the ending before I got to it.

Some of the wording you used is a bit awkward. For example: "A red light, blinking, assaulted his eyes, and he closed them again"
I think this might be clearer if written as: "A red blinking light assaulted his eyes..."

Repreive should be reprieve.

The end. Overall, I thought this was an interesting story. It held my attention throughout and I liked the ending. Thanks for sharing with us!


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/02/2015 @ 4:55pm EDT
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