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Review #4193014
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by A Guest Visitor
Review by Tiggy
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*



*PenB* First Impressions:

You jumped straight into the action with this story, and the first paragraph, although short, was a great start to set the scene and introduce two of the characters. It worked well that you didn’t so much describe Gabriel but showed him in action and let the readers see the impact he had. By the end of the second paragraph, you had also introduced another character, again quite skilfully, making it easy for the readers to imagine him. And I loved how you then connected the third paragraph. It was all done very expertly without writing lengthy descriptions that would have interrupted the action.

Although the readers didn’t know the background of the characters, what you told them was enough to understand the characters’ reasons for being there and their actions. You did leave me with a couple of questions, like the content of the pouch and the metal pins that ended the zombie’s life so swiftly. Maybe the readers were meant to know their significance but it might be worth adding an explanation or even a hint to explain it. The ending was quite surprising as I hadn’t expected any support from the girls but it was intriguing and worked well.


*PenG* Suggestions:

I only noticed a couple minor errors you might want to take a look at, if you are interested in editing this story.

Finish him quickly so I can finish my business.
The repetition was quite noticeable there. I wasn’t sure if this was a clichéd phrase like some of the others that I just wasn’t familiar with, or if you could replace one of the words with a different one.

took advantage of it's distraction to take it's legs out
You need “its” without the apostrophe, which is the possessive form of the neuter pronoun “it” “It’s” is a contraction for it is or it has. The same error happens a few paragraphs later, letting it's trench coat fall.
Having said that, in a different paragraph you called the zombie a man, and perhaps this paragraph would read a little smoother if you referred to it as “he.”

His struggles stopped without pause.
I wasn’t sure what you meant there. “stopped immediately” maybe?


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I was curious if this story was written for a contest where you had to use certain phrases, the highlighted ones, and if there was any significance to the different colours you used. The story reads like you used them on purpose, anyway, and while they stood out they didn’t distract from the flow of the story. A good story! *Smile*


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