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 Review #4233208 |
 | The day on Idiot Ridge  [13+] Contest entry.  |
| (4.0)| Review brought to you by: "Game of Thrones" by Gaby ~ Just tired    What I read ~ Three friends wait for another and an argument over a girl ensues. What stood out ~ ”Marty’s never going to show up,” grouched Dave as he watched the horizon.~~Front quote is backward. I've never seen grouched used this way as a dialog tag before. It really stands out. I should have brought some shades, but my sister’s stupid dog, Doodle, had chewed mine up and I forgot to buy any more. ~ any more doesn't read well. Things to work on ~ This became a little confusing, trying to figure out who was doing the talking. Once Jane is mentioned, it is hard to keep up with which boy is speaking, having internal dialog. It may just need another edit. For this contest entry you still have enough words to add to it if necessary. Personal Impressions ~ The patience the boys had waiting for Marty was evident. I remember what it's like to be younger in the summer, and waiting to go do anything seemed to take forever. The world always seems at our disposal. The heated conversation about Jane is intended to the pivotal point for this story. Think about maybe making it a little bit more shocking, or the argument to be more heated to really make that part stand out and grab the readers attention. Getting a rise out of someone usually has a little more drama attached to it. Some descriptive tweaking could accomplish this easily from you. You have a good handle on that from what I've read in your port. 
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