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 Review #4239363 |
| Howdy! I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!  Overall Impression: This is a very interesting, creative, and fun story. I'm glad I picked it! It reminds me a little of The Gift of the Magi (at least I think that's the story I'm thinking of). Well done. Plot: A pickpocket accidentally steals from his own wife and decides to go straight. Scene/Setting: Bushes, the store front, the saloon, and home Characters: Mercenary, his wife, two other ladies at the general store, Mr. Baterman, and a whole crowd of folks at the saloon Dialogue: There wasn't a whole lot, but it was used appropriately and done well. Grammar and Mechanics: "...even more gold - from other towns, even - if he had a quicker mode..." when using a hyphen in place of a dash because a dash isn't available (such as on WdC), use two hyphens together and don't put a space before or after the hyphens. It should look like this "...more gold--from other..." "...he wasn't the towns most prestigious mercenary..." That should be "town's." "...abandonded food on every availabe surface..." That should be "abandoned" and "available." "Before he opened the door he paused." I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "door." "...he had hopped to have arrived before her..." That should be "hoped." Also, it's more correct to say, "...he had hoped to arrive before her..." Suggestions: "...sliced the string of her own purse with means of a razor blade." It's okay, but I'd suggest "...by means of..." or "...with a razor..." "She fell into a solid fit of tears for a solid moment." I think that's too many "solids" in one sentence.  Also, I double checked the definition of "mercenary" and I don't think it fits. First, it's usually reserved for soldiers for hire. But I did find one dictionary definition (I looked on a couple sites) that said something like "any hireling." Again, this doesn't fit since he's working for himself. Other words you might want to consider: pickpocket, thief, criminal, crook, and scoundrel. There are others; these were just some suggestions.Favorite Part: "...waiting for the wilting man to arrive..." This confused me at first as I thought "a wilting man" was a title or a job. Then I decided it was probably a description. I'd suggest "wilted" to prevent confusion, but I really love this description of him. Very creative image! "Perhaps overzealous, Sycain bought drinks for every man present and before Sycain knew it, he was drunk off his stool (literally) and quite out of gold." Great visual--I love this! "A small pinch of worry crowded inside his heart suggesting that he should have saved it for his horse, but he chased it away with a healthy belch." Hahaha! You're very talented and creative! "...so he could hid any signs of his secret profession and put on the tailored coat of a lawyered man that he pretended to be when his wife was present." Awww...how sweet! "Sycain suppressed a burp that crept up his throat. Strangely, it tasted like a gold coin." Hahaha--that actually made me laugh out loud!Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!     WHITE WALKERS WIN  
 
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 07/18/2016 @ 6:45am EDT