Hi Presley

I am Joey C and I am here in your port as part of our teams Review/challenge for "Game of Thrones"  I am pressed into to service for the House of GREYJOY



And I pray you will give this raven’s note the attention it deserves. For, though, you are not a bannerman of GREYJOY, you are still part of the North. (I read your profile page and NYC is part of the North!) Know that, we make no demands. No, this raven brings news of sullied eyes that come from those dastardly southern houses that would flay you for no more cause than a misplaced puppy paw (also known as commas.)

I have in passing, inspected the battlements of your poignant pose the "The Promontory - Chapter 7"  I before I should speak to it drafting. I should offer a comment on SPAG (Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar.) While remembering that the story’s content is of the most importance. We as writers should always try and control Our SPAG issues, if for no other reason than to lessen reader distraction or misunderstanding. If we would further wish to avoid the grammar police then we must be vigilant, as they are everywhere. (it seems, I can’t put three words together without citation.) But an accomplished writer as yourself would no doubt be interested that I found a goodly number of issues.

I think it is worthwhile to note in passing. I found both critical and stylistic errors just in this one chapter. (21,) contextual spelling, (excluding the obvious proper noun Names) (12,) Grammar, (29,) Punctuation, (3,) Sentence structure, and (10,) issues with style. MS Word spell check sucks and its designers should be beheaded, (if only I were king)


Readability:

Now, we come to the language, not as in dialect, but in word choices. I had no trouble understanding your story the language seem to match the common everyday voices we tend to hear around us. And if one checks the scoring of Flesch reading ease you score an impressive 81.5 and for grade level, it logged out as 4.7 the latter might even be a bit on the weak side. Most of the so-called experts suggest that adult reading is best found at the 6.5 to 8.5 levels, of course, your overall scores are most likely lower due to some short dialogue statements used.



Okay, now for the fun stuff,

The opinions of a maturing, been a bit of everything, Jack of many trades, master of none, engineer. I better qualify that. I‘m enjoying the warmth and humidity of my 61st summer, so that puts me closer to the end than the beginning, hence maturing. As to the other, I have worked for corporate America (3 different fortune 200 companies.)

I have owned and sold a successful family business. I am published, (but it's just some old boring engineering textbooks and a few articles in trade magazines.) Though, very recently, I have been luckily enough to trick ESPN.com into sending me a few dollars as did Lightspeed Magazine. But none of the four novels I have written are yet on my local store’s shelves.

Okay, what about your efforts, I think this is a splendid start, the plot seems new (to me anyway.) it flows well, fast without too many bumps. I really liked the multiple wives in the end. That was a great twist to have the haunts clone Julie. Hells-bells, I thought chapter seven the best of the lot. You did very well with describing the interactions as they attacked Peter and his reactions seemed to fit the occasion quite well.

Your characters were okay, I didn’t hate anyone, (at least not in a right way, it could have been more fun if you made the mother-in-law more dislikeable. That would have helped me feel better about her parting-scenes in the story. I mean who doesn’t like the old drop a house on the mother-in-law trick. More especially if she is a first class witch.)

I realize that it is just a short story so one never has a chance to really flesh out the characters to their fullest. But I didn’t fall in love with either Julie or Peter they seemed a bit flat.

I think, (you know those two words are a very dangerous thing to hear from an engineer,) that the empathy issue could be fixed with more “Show.” (OGM. Did I just say that to you, I am sorry? I swear I am note saying it because I can't see other stuff to talk about.) No, it just that I think that many of the other issues that the editors/interns would gig you about could be overlooked if you could manage to make Peter or Julie more endearing.

Now, I did read all seven chapters, I am just sending the review in this one. Here’s an example, Julie loses the baby (Oh, and the wife who is a Nurse says a fetal concussion is not possible, a miscarriage for other issues like a ruptured or detached placenta. Or another severe trauma is not uncommon in a fall. But she says the mother would not survive a fall high enough to give the fetus a fatal brain injury. Note; that I am just repeating what she told me.) Anyway, you tell us how Julie is reacting, you tell us how Peter feels about it. But Peter is to calm when he is talking about it to Ramie. I think you could show us more rage, more results of his anger, or his confusion over Julie's reactions. How in the hell, can he accept Ramie’s nonchalant comments without throwing stuff across the room?

I never found a connection to the level of anger that would allow me to follow her back into the Premonitory. Where are the raw nerves playing on their senses? Let them see more colors or lack there of. Where are the smells of decay in the house now that it no longer is in pristine condition? Where is the nerve biting shivers from the cold entering with the spirits of the dead? Julie is barefoot was there no consequence for that. Feeling it with her might let me be more connected to her. Where was the ear piercing cries of metal scraping floor as they pushed open the secret doors?

I think if you could manage to describe the event by showing us how they affect Julie and Peter, let us see the reaction that their senses cause. Not only would we get better pictures of the underground hallway, but we would connect with the fear in Peter better.
I am not always good at providing examples, but I am going to try to show the direction I am desperately trying to explain. Here is the first paragraph of Chapter seven and I follow it with an example that might help.



Here’s what I am trying to get at:


There are other things that screamed for more; the ending was a bit limp after a great chase scene. But then, I have almost used more words in this review than you did in the chapter. So I will cut it short for now.


In closing
Okay, does anything written here mean anything, most likely not? Nothing I offered, changes the value of a single word in your post. Nor do I think it will provide you a single step to the next level of greatness you may espouse to. If I wasn’t clear I did like your story it is good, But I think it could be exceptional with just a bit of work. I think it could work as well as O’Connell’s “Its Hard to Find a Good Man.” I am always interested in sharing what I see/read in serious writers like you, folks who it is easy to see enjoys working on our craft. I will revisit this to see how your revisions might work. (should you decide to make any.)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .