Hello Jay O'Toole !

I am your local and frolicking SB here. I'm reviewing today on behalf of the Simply Positive group. I hope this review gives you a little bit of sunshine for your day.

Below is my review of your item beginning with Corrections:

Corrections/Suggestions
First impression- I really like the beginning of this, that first sentence has some great wording within it and is one of my favorites. The thing is that after this I'm not so sure where we are with the location, what is going on, and what shoe is going to be dropped. We don't have a sense of where things are happening so it's a little confusing with the first bits of dialogue trying to decipher the plot and setting.

A little typo fix, the comma isn't needed after the ellipse.

fast on skateboard...Done!"

With this part right here I would reword it to remove the -ing words that create more of a passive voice within this part: Snatching his skateboard and stuffing the package in his backpack, he bounded out the door, extreme boarder, he knew himself to be.

I would play with it as an example and suggestion for you:

He snatched his skateboard and stuffed the package in his backpack. The young man bounded out the door, extreme border, he knew himself to be.
-

"Well...I could tell my auditors to go over the books, again, if..."- no need for the comma after the ellipse.


Setting/Plot/Characters

Alright, so this is a flash fiction piece so we have a limited amount of words to play with to build up and finish our story. With that said the setting I was a little thrown off where we were, though I did get when he was running outside and missed the bus. I'm guessing that the beginning is within an office building, then we move outside, then we move back within an office. But, I would maybe suggest adding those details in the beginning of the story.

The plot is this kid making it in time for a job interview. It was a little confusing what was going on which can be clarified with things and adding more details. It seems like auditors found money that was misplaced and then it ends up that the young man, who is the son of this one man in the company, gets hired as the chairman? I wasn't sure who was speaking sometimes since we didn't have the last bits of dialogue with tags of who was saying what. This is an easy fix to play with and would clarify the story more.

The young man, I'm guessing he's younger, seems eager, ambitious, and he wants to show off in this world and with this job. We can sense his anxiety over the job and getting to the place on time.

Things Which I Enjoyed
The day was taking shape, like an immaculate blueprint, yet that was the very thing that troubled him.


This first line of your story is a great opener, and really hooked me into your story. I love how you worded that the day was taking shape like an immaculate blueprint. And how this seemed to trouble him that this was happening. I also like how you show us the anxiety of the main character and his running to the interview.

Overall Comments
Overall, this is a flash fiction that has a great start but gets a little confusing about the details, who is talking, and where this is taking place. These are easy fixes and just suggestions for you to play with. You have a good start here I especially loved that first line that opened this flash fiction tale. I hope this little review of mine is helpful. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .