%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4257357 |
 |  | Hook to Book, Round 3-Sheriff Sam Rabbit  [E] Sheriff Sam Rabbit helps keep peace among the woodland animals...at least most of the time  |
| (5.0)       A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Schnujo is Late to Lannister: I am reviewing "Hook to Book, Round 3-Sheriff Sam Rabbit" today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH #3 OVERALL IMPRESSION What a wonderful premise for a Children's Book! Your characters are adorable and lovable, well defined and drawn out, with characteristics that suit each of them to a "T". The dilemma of Kat's lost rhymes is interrupted by the emergency of the little mouse who feel into the ravine. It's artfully woven with the happenings about town and Sheriff Sam's determination to keep all the animals happy and safe, all the time, while keeping his somewhat clumsy self out of trouble at the same time. His antics and inner thoughts are priceless and, I have to admit, not unfamiliar. Don't we all wish away embarrassing moments? I cannot imagine a child who would not identify with and LOVE and cherish this book. What I Liked Best:He’d been meaning to get a hat he could tip on such occasions. This is the type of line that makes me tingle with delight when I am reading a new author. It's a "feel good" moment that says, this writer knows how to build a character and show that character from the inside out. In so few words, you've masterly shown Sheriff Sam Rabbit is of another age, an age of gentlemanly gallantry and respect for one's position. He's got good manners and well proportioned sense of humility, er, mostly. I can just see him, walking along the breezeway, tipping his hat in greeting and homage to the ladies and gentlemen of the town he's sworn to protect. (And I imagine them nodding their greetings and tipping their hats in return.) You had me right where you wanted me every step of the way. Other favorite phrases: (H)e lost his footing and began tumbling head over cotton tail down the steep ravine. So cute. Made me giggle. Yes, I said giggle. WRITING SKILLS and CRAFT Opening Sentence: You've introduced the main character, (MC), Sheriff Sam Rabbit right at the beginning and I fell for him in every way. He's smart and sassy with an eye out for trouble, should it come a calling'. He's determined to protect his town and everyone in it. He's like a rich man's (or rabbit's, as the case may be), Barney Fife, kind of. Opening Paragraph: The opening paragraph needs to pull the reader into the story and should hint at what kind of story this will be, and you have done this. I'm engaged after the first sentence and love that we have a children's book entry in the Competition. Drawing the reader into the POV character's head is, arguably, the single most critical step in an opening sentence/paragraph, and you have successfully done this as well. I commend you most sincerely. Plot and Character Development: I have a wonderful picture in my head of the MC and secondary and minor characters. Everyone's well drawn out and in so few words, which is a sign of great crafting. The one thing I don't have is a real handle on what the plot is going to be. I do suspect Kat's rhymes will appear throughout each chapter, as will the Sheriff's desire for the perfect Sheriff hat, but am only 90 percent sure they will be the end goal. In this case, though, that's okay. This is a children's book and reliance on repetition is key. You have already included this in double mentions of the hat and rhyme issues in this one chapter. Further you have hinted at the overall theme of the book, which I perceive to be something along the lines of Give 100 percent effort to whatever you are doing at all times, but don't shy away from help when it is needed and offered. A wonderful lesson for children of all ages. Dialog: So well done! No confusion whatsoever. I can hear myself reading this to the little ones in my world. (So hurry up with that autographed copy.) Spelling Punctuation Grammar Continuity Form Hook: All present, excellent, and accounted for, Ma'am. CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION Structure:Not only is this a wonderful foundation for this story, but I can see our Sheriff Sam in several books. Sheriff Sam goes to Washington... Broadway... Paris. ...Gettysburg. Sheriff Sam takes a vacation. He could even go to . . . *gasp* A galaxy far far...  Never mind. SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in this portion of my review: Your Words My Impressions as I Read Editing Suggestions I do have a few things I'd like to mention or point out. “My rhymes! I’ve lost my rhymes!” she howled in tears. Question: Would a rat howl? Eventually they began to hear a bit of noise up ahead and saw Oscar the Skunk scurrying up. Something about this line bothers me, but I can't put my finger it. I think it's the "began to" part. Might you consider making it more active and in the moment? See what you think: A bit of noise up ahead alerted them to Oscar the Skunk scurrying up. This is not an attempt on my part to edit your book. I'm only tossing around another idea, as I would in our workshop. Please use or don't use as you see fit. It's your book. (I still want an autographed copy though.) Now it was time to play the hero. Was he playing at it? Me thinks not. The little mouse simply stared at him. Poor guy, Sam thought. He’s so amazed the Sheriff came to rescue him, he doesn’t even know what to say. Here, you show your writing chops again with an amazing job of staying in Sam's point of view. It's very clear you have a good grasp of point of view and how to use it to enhance your story an enrich your character. Brava! With that, Sam began his ascent again, but again, he got virtually nowhere. He was beginning to get worried. How was a sheriff supposed to save a baby mouse if he couldn’t even get himself out of the ravine? Perhaps he could heroically throw the mouse to the top of the ravine, then wait at the bottom to die? No, that didn’t seem like a good idea. Chances were Sebastian was too heavy for Sam to throw. Not to mention, there might be some woodland advocate up there waiting to press charges against the sheriff himself. He’d have to think of another way out of this mess that the mouse had gotten him into. This is hysterical, but it needs a little love. Tighten it up a bit, stay with kid-sized ideas, and make it active. Some passive tense has creeped in. *Also, I underlined the portion parents might nod along with, but then have to explain to questioning children. I'd take that bit out and maybe reference it. What about something like: Not to mention, somebody up there is sure to have a problem with the sheriff throwing a baby muse. What do you think? I love that Cara the Raccoon is Special Opps.  Knowing they weren’t going anywhere until he complied, Sebastian climbed onto Sam’s backCOMMA and Sam climbed the rest of the way to the top. Complied is a scientific or military term, m'dear. Hmmm, wonder how that snuck in.  More important, though, in this moment, and it's one tiny moment in the entire story, you head hop. Your POV character is Sam, and here we are launched into the head of Sebastian. A super quick fix maintains your flawless POV in third person limited. -- May I suggest editing AFTER winners are announced and placing this into the "Invalid Item" if you haven't already. Lastly, I'd like a better developed hook at the bottom. Doesn't have to be an anchor sizes hook, a fishhook sized one will do. Something like: He forgot about the rhymes! I think this leaves the chapter ending with the sense of what are we going to do about those rhymes(?) A lot of parents will read a chapter a night, and this gives them something to talk about in anticipatory conversation before they say good night. Just a thought. CLOSING STATEMENT Thank you for joining in the Competition. It has been a pleasure reading your chapter. I see great things on the horizon for you in your new life. All I ask is an autographed copy when it's released. And don't go the self publishing route either. Go straight to Doubleday or National Geographic, and don't take no for an answer. It's time to remove the username "(Old life) ended" and add "(New life) begun."  This review has been thoughtfully prepared for you by a proud member of ** Image ID #1953557 Unavailable **   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 09/07/2016 @ 4:20pm EDT