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Review #4259817
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Review by Starling
Rated: | (4.0)
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A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings {huser:Satuawany }

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !
Title and Author:

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red

Plot::
Woman lives on an Earth where people take a pill in order to see the beings of an alternate universe. For some reason she has never had to take the pill. Now an organization started by the government in the US has taken her into custody to "talk" with her.

Hook:
The first several paragraphs pull the reader into trying to discover why the woman is so nervous and acting like she is. Having a young girl talking to "the air" helps with this draw.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
First paragraph introduces us to the situation and introduces us to "beings" which may or may not exist.

Characters Development:

Woman
daoine sidhe
Two agents for a governmental agency


Dialogue:
You did an excellent job with the dialogue. I had no problem realizing who was talking at any given time.

Punctuation and Structure:
...No one's talking to the daoine sidhe (insert phonic pronunciation here) . No one.

... dissuade people from taking it by reporting side effects that didn't exit (spelling) .

nuerobiologist, (spelling)

On the minus, I could never see a particularsidhe (up until this point you used both names to tell who the creatures are. My suggestion would be to stick to that practice) friend again,

Closing Statement
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this submittal. I am seeing more than one chapter written though. My reasoning is below. I have placed my break here:

D1 has regained his monotone. “It's a quarter 'til seven. We'll have you back before eight. Promise.”

But something in his manner, coupled with the look B2 gives him, tells me this promise could very well be broken.

************ NEW CHAPTER **********************

Nan used to tell me we needed to interact with physical human beings now and then, so that we don't lose touch with our reality. She died before Tivacan, though. And before the Sidhe Agency.

I sit in one of the SA's interrogation rooms, alone and unsure. On the verge of panic. I've been in here too long. It must be eight by now—not that my medication would wear off immediately, but a break in the routine can cause problems. I don't want to know what kind of problems.



Please see the below information on how I determined this.
( http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-writing-goal/complete-first-dra... )

BREAK CHAPTERS WHEN YOUR STORY REQUIRES A SHIFT.
Changes of place, changes of time and changes of point of view are all excellent places for chapter breaks. Sometimes, our stories necessitate them. For example:

END OF ONE CHAPTER:

He wiped the sweat from his forehead, took one last squinting look up at the flat, brassy African sky and straightened his limp, damp jacket as well as he could. “We’re done here,” he told Howard. “Let’s get to the airport.”BEGINNING OF

NEXT CHAPTER:

Maine. Cool, misty, green. A pewter-colored sky …

A chapter break like this underscores the fact that there’s been a significant change of some kind—of place, of perspective, of point of view, of plot direction. It jogs your reader’s mind, telling him that it’s time for a reorientation, a retaking of his bearings.

Again thank you for submitting.

Starling

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/16/2016 @ 3:40pm EDT
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