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 Review #4270932 |
| Hello, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM  Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?   The chapter begins with a question, which is good, but it's not so interesting and hooky as the previous chapters. I suppose because we've been here before, telling Jason. Characters — are they well rounded? Good revelation with Derek. It makes perfect sense. A lot of bullies has issues of repression, their anger due to trying to fit in with society's expectations. Again, I'm not so happy with the development of Jake and Jason toward being bullies themselves. I get that it's payback, but given that they both have their own issues, I feel they should be more sympathetic and less vengeful. A few fat jokes, yes, but laughing along with Derek, not ganging up together to laugh at him. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? Plot's still going good. The development with Derek is good. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? A bit too fast this chapter, I feel. I think that Derek could spend a lot longer coming to terms with Jake's revelation, and also Jake and Jason need to spend a lot longer thinking about Derek and reacting too. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? The language is a lot better in this chapter than previous ones. See suggestions for issues. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? Apart from the one use of 'boy' by Jason, I felt their voices were fine in this chapter. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? Using the five senses helps engage the reader better. You have them eating, but you don't express anything about what the food feels, tastes and smells like. You just brush over it as if it's not important. The boys ate their sandwiches and snacks without much conversation. Jake wiped the last of his sauce up with a slice of bread and sighed. - if you have space to write about how he eats his sauce with a slice of bread, you have time to talk about the texture of the bread and the savoury tang of the tomato sauce etc. See inline for other suggestions. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? The themes just keep on getting better. Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement. My thoughts as I read through: “I mean, about your parents and the woman thing. - I'd say 'biological parents' to distinguish that issue of not being human from the issue of his 'adoptive' parents, ie. his mum shunning him and his dad missing him. and they were the ones that sent you a letter…” - this is a simple grammar point and depends upon how you wish to develop Jason's voice. Although it's correct to use 'that' as a pronoun in a sentence like this, the prefered pronoun is 'who', ie. they were the ones who sent you a letter. If you want Jason to sound very casual and uneducated, 'that'. If you want him to sound a bit posher 'who'. I'd imagined him as a bit cleverer. 'that' is more the kind of word I'd expect from Derek. Along one wall stood two beds and a camp bed folded up.. - two full stops on the end for some reason “Move, lard boy,” Jason growled. “That’s my bunk.” - Three things. First, as I said last chapter, Jake and Jason are being rather nasty to Derek and it reflects badly on them. They've already talked about him behind his back in this chapter, and now they're being nasty to his face. Second, Here Jason claims that bed, but says 'bunk'. If it's a bunk bed, it wouldn't be 'the one against the window', but rather the upper or lower bunk. Third, later in this chapter Jason and Jake discuss which beds they'll take, but ignore the fact that Jason has already laid claim to a bed here. Derek scowled, turned and walked over to the folded bed, and unfolded it. - folded/unfolded sounds a bit awkward. Why not use 'camp bed' here like you have elsewhere, ie. …to camp bed and unfolded it? What they didn’t expect was Derek to get up and walk to the window. - yeah, me neither. The revelations about sexuality he should accept without fuss, but the werepire stuff needs a bit more reaction than this. Sorry, but Derek knows nothing about this and has no warning, so he's either got to think they're kidding him on, they're insane, or if he believes them for some reason, he should be terrified. Instead, he's ignoring the whole supernatural thing and focusing on the sexuality issue. As I said once before earlier in this book, I feel you should separate out the two issues and treat them as separate revelations. “Ok, what have you done with my goofball of a friend.” - personally, I prefer 'okay' to 'ok'. However, the real reason I flagged this sentence is the lack of a question mark at the end. don’t do it on the floor,” he chuckled. - a better joke might be, … there's a lamp post outside. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. Your story is still getting better the more I read on, but this particular chapter was too short. I simply feel I need more from a chapter than this, more feeling, more smells and tastes, much more reaction to what's going on. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 11/03/2016 @ 10:28am EDT