Hello, Mari McKee

What I liked

I love the two characters, their mutual desperation and aspirations, though Judd's dreams seem rather different to Sally's, lol. The descriptions of their attire and how it reflected their personalities was great. I'm pleased they got together and everything worked out in the end.

What might need work

You began with a great conflict, ie. Sally wants a husband and kids, but Judd wants a one night stand. However, I felt the story plot then lacked in two places. First, I didn't really feel that Sally struggled over that decision to sleep with Judd on the same night as meeting him. It was as if her conflict was dropped at that stage. It was a bit disappointing after she'd made a point of not wanting to be a single mom. Second, Judd didn't fight against her plots to get hitched. He clearly was only interested in picking up any girl, no matter what they looked like or their personality, Basically, I felt you could have upped the level of conflict considerably by both having her less 'easy' and him less inclined to 'settle' and then showing the struggle each character had to achieve their goals.

Personally, I'm not too keen on omniscient voice. I think you could have made this more engaging by sticking to Sally's thoughts throughout and showing Judd's personality and dreams through his words and actions. For example, instead of telling the reader he's never ridden a horse, get Sally to engage him in a shown conversation, eg.

"say, Judd. Which saddle do you think's best - the western or European?"

"Er... European."

"But don't you think those trees must be pretty uncomfortable for the poor horses?"

"Er... I like trees."

Such a conversation would show the reader that Judd knows nothing about horses, but Sally is very familiar with equestrian equipment and may have been brought up on a a farm.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .