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BLACKBIRD
by M.Prelooker
Episode seven – the blank

Ch-14 – passers-by

>>> But Russell knew he had it coming and proceeded to detail all the reasons why he acted like he did.
I think this sentence should start the next paragraph with Russell's dialogue.

>>> So your conscious can be at ease about you running for the Chicken of the Year Award.”
Gillian is harsh.

‘>>> Cause you’re afraid to death of getting any kind of hurt again.”
And turn about. He has her pegged just as harsh. They know each other very well.

>>> “You mean the exercise.” Russell huffed, and didn’t let her reply.
Good line, sharp and to the point. These guys are being really hard on each other.

>>> So she sighed, looking away from him as she tried to find the best words to say it.
This is turning into a very intense scene—honesty rises to the surface.

>>> “It’s because they’re passers-by, Russ.”
This is poetic and I think raises the literary value of the writing a bit higher.

>>> ...and relate so many times.
Missing a 'to'. ...relate to so many times.

>>> “You should know, Russ: passers-by don’t get to question if it’s always my job and my son first.”
Finally spoken clearly for the first time—job and son. That's where she's been for the years since her divorce.

>>> A thick silence filled the kitchen, as Russell finally understood they had the same motives in the end.
This feels awkward jumping into Russell's POV for only one sentence. And it goes right on with Gillian's dialogue.
>>> A thick silence filled the kitchen, as Russell finally nodded, acknowledging it, and sighed too.

>>> ...moved by the dull sadness clouding his amazing eyes.
Another poetic line, nice image.

>>> ...our crazy job and our hot head are gonna...
I think refering to 'our' means both of them, so that would be 'hot heads'.

>>> And then, right when he was about to answer, her phone buzzed.
So that ends the unexpected, possible, 'more than friends' moment.

FINAL COMMENT: good build from criticism to honesty to a lovely revealing moment. Another nice one, Monica!
Best, Gale



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .