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The City of Locked Doors
by TristenKozinski

Chapter 12

The war continues and we're still with Adrian and her view of it. Noir is gone to another location.

>>> Solomon Doll flung the doors to his fortress open...
The way this starts, I would assume that this is the POV of Solomon Doll.

>>> ...crimson ranks and his face twisted...
...crimson ranks. His face twisted...

>>> "And that's where you're wrong, Doll-" He purred Solomon's name, savoring it "-I've made a deal and...
(No hyphens, use ellipse.
>>> "And that's where you're wrong, Doll..." He purred Solomon's name, savoring it. "...I've made a deal and...

>>> What devil have you invite through our gates?"
What devil have you 'invited' through our gates?"

>>> ...lifting his arms to either side, and walked in a circle...
...lifting his arms to either side, and 'walking' in a circle...

>>> Adrian watched all of this transpire from behind the outermost barricade.
I;m on the second page and this is the first indication that we are in Adrian's POV

>>> "If you don't act, Sister, your Dollhouse will start losing troops."
Now how can her brother expect Adrian to do anything?

>>> They sat perched atop every available surface...
Like the butterflies. That means Noir would be warned.

>>> ...but if you can then please find Noir...
Need a comma after 'can'.

>>> ...and smashed through Grim's head.
Wow, bold move by Adrian. Probably not wise.

>>> ...the flesh of his brow spitting the bullet into his waiting palm before crawling back over the cavity.
Cool bit of action!

>>> A litany of explosion shook the barricade,
A litany of “explosions” shook the barricade,

>>> Elis Madra in orange, Syrian Fell in purple, Kore Byren in black and all the others.
Not a complete sentence.
>>> Elis Madra dressed in orange, Syrian Fell wore purple, Kore Byren in black, along with all the others.

>>> Solomon wove to the side,
I would start a new paragraph with all the different character action.

>>> Grim spun and lunched himself at Solomon Doll,
Grim spun and 'launched' himself at Solomon Doll,

>>> The puppets collapsed on his turned back,
Feels awkward.
The puppets 'fell' on his turned back,

>>> Grim vaulted up, discarding the puppets like cotton dolls, and dove at Solomon from three stories of height.
Great action...the power of the Terian shards!

(Easier to read if the actions are separated:)
Solomon lunged to the side, his own shard waking upon his brow.

A burst of formless crimson energy from Grim's hand flung the two together. Grim's black scythe carved upward.

Solomon reeled back, his body rent from shoulder to hip. Before the cut even finished (though), blood crawled up his legs and into the wound, healing his injuries. Solomon righted himself and retaliated, smashing Grim's breast with an open palm. The two of them ricocheted apart, Solomon's arm shattered up to his shoulder. (cut though)

Blood vomited from a hand-shaped cavity in Grim's chest. He laughed and surged forward.

Solomon Doll flicked his hand and one of the red-coated officers he acquired earlier finally acted. The shadows coiled around Grim, slamming shut, flinging him to the ground and swelling into walls.
(Note one of the 'and's is deleted)

>>> The box distorted and then ruptured at his first smashed through.
The box distorted and then ruptured 'as' his 'fist' smashed through.

>>> He strained forward, three Terian Shards now gleaming with baleful life as he tore the prison open.
Not clear. Maybe:
>>> He strained forward as three Terian Shards gleamed with baleful life. He tore the prison open.
Let some of the actions stand on their own rather than linking everything together with 'as' and 'and'.

>>> Slowly, painfully, the shadow prison began closing again, inching toward Grim's obliteration.
Make a new paragraph with different character action. And it could start the follwing paragraph, since it's still the prison.

>>> ...loomed proctor Grim,...
We don't know he's changed form. Can Adrian see him change as he merging out of the lovely miasma? A scary bunny you have created there, yeah!

>>> A rippled pulsed through the blood lying across the battle field.
A 'ripple' pulsed through the blood lying across the battle field.

>>> The roughshod goliath stood with a rumbling groan and shuffled toward Grim.
It has to be clearer that this is not Solomon, but his creation from the wall piece. Since it is a different character, it could be a new paragraph. (?)

>>> Grim, or rather the Bellua Hyde he had become, howled and... launched itself forward,
This phrasing jumps to narrator voice. Better:
>>> The Bellua Hyde, that Grim had become, howled and...

.>>> ..but Grim's flashing scythe took off it striking arm.
...but Grim's flashing scythe took off 'its' striking arm.

>>> Grim spun and dove at Solomon,
Confusion here if Proctor Solomon OR the goliath is attacked.
It's a human man and a big hyde, yes? And if that's so, what happened to the armless goliath? He's still there.

>>> He swelled before Grim,...
I like this...seeing the transformation.

>>> Solomon Doll levitated there in motionless reassertion,...
I think it reads better without the 'there'. (?)

>>> Grim drew back, watching as Solomon Doll raised his four hands.
Not Grim's POV.
Grim drew back as Solomon Doll raised his four hands.

>>> Tendrils exploded outward, diving. Not into the dead, but into Grim's living soldiers.
(One Sentence)
Tendrils exploded outward, diving, not into the dead, but into Grim's living soldiers.

>>> A moment breathless horror past and...
A moment 'of' breathless horror past and..

>>> ...collapsed into the thrall of their Hyde.
I think it should be 'Hydes'. First I though it was one big one, but it's many.

>>> They fell upon Grim with all of the cursed strength coursing through their veins and he slaughtered with impunity, crushing them underfoot, eviscerating with his scythe and impaling with his free hand. One, he threw at Solomon Doll, but the howling beast simply passed through Solomon's insubstantial form and crashed against the wall behind him.
Too many actions linked with 'and'.
It's a new idea that Solomon has an insubstantial form.

>>> Thus, through dint of sheer number alone,
For the meaning, change this to: 'by' dint of sheer number alone,...

>>> they stayed open for split-seconds and heartbeats.
they stayed open for split-second heartbeats.

>>> Their assault never faltered, however.
Their assault never faltered. (cut howerver)

>>> Soon, he stood wreathed in crimson veins.
Wonderful image!

>>> ...and the threads pulsed once in perfect.
Missing a word.
...and the threads pulsed once in perfect precision. (?)

>>> ...the deadly weapon flipping end over.
...the deadly weapon flipping end over end. (?)

>>> Solomon flicked his hands and more threads dugs into Grim. The Proctor slowed, his strides growing heavy with exhaustion and debility until he stumbled to the ground at Solomon's feet.
Feels strung out, suggest: Note 'dug'.
Solomon flicked his hands. More threads dug into Grim. The Proctor slowed, his strides growing heavy with debilitating exhaustion. He stumbled to the ground at Solomon's feet.

>>> Solomon rose from the ground, levitating until their eyes met.
I sort of miss the idea that Solomon is a large misty creature with substantial hands, at this moment there is no human form of Solomon Doll. When they are in Hyde form it's hard to keep track without constant reminders. (Hint) Like the 'Solomon-Hyde'.

>>> ...blood that now coursed through Solomon's veins.
See, this implies that Solomon has transitioned back to his human form. It is not indicated in the previous text. As far as I know, they are both monster hydes. (???)

>>> but in their released Hydes Grim possessed far greater physical strength and dealt injury after injury to Solomon Doll.
Need a comma after 'Hydes', period after 'strength. And start another sentence:
...physical strength. He dealt injury after injury to Solomon Doll. (Hyde?)

>>> ...the true contest lay was in their Hemomancy.
...the true contest lay in their Hemomancy.

>>> Adrian cried out as she saw this,
Ha! So much has happened, I had forgotten that we are still in Adrian's POV and that she is seeing all of this action.

>>> He towered thrice the height
Still in his Hyde form. ...thrice...or three-times the height?
The word just sort of stuck out.

.>>> ..than a man escape could escape the myth...
...than a man could escape the myth...

>>> Dusk was already falling, even though the day was only a couple hours old.
Dusk began falling on the day that lasted no longer than a couple hours.

>>> This was the Bone Moon.
Very cool...still world-building.

>>> These are the four moons; their arrival is always brief and violent.
Interesting, but very dry narratives. It would mean a great deal more if part of an emotional dialogue, especially from Noir. Maybe it's just the wrong place in the story's action?

>>> The Dollhouse had lost and no one had the power or inclination to challenge that outcome, not on a Blood Moon with Grim in the full sway of his Hyde.
Runs on...
No one had the power or inclination to challenge the loss of the Dollhouse, especially on a Blood Moon with Grim in the full sway of his Hyde.

>>> ...with a cry of frustration and pounded with wall.
...with a cry of frustration and pounded 'the' wall.

>>> If she had a Scythe, the three of them together couldn't a Proctor,
If she had a Scythe, the three of them together couldn't 'defeat' a Proctor,...

>>> His chest rose and fell, exhaling...
Start a new paragraph for Noir, he has dialogue.

>>> He turned away, but she dashed forward and pressed one trembling hand pressed to his chest.
As written, she would be dashing to his back.
He started to turn away, but she dashed forward and pressed one trembling hand pressed to his chest.

>>> She shook her head, "No! I mean they're...
Not a dialogue tag, needs a period.

>>> ...his knowledge of a dead,
...his knowledge of 'the' dead,
Oh, now she's beginning to put it all together.

>>> Her brothers turned and dove at them,...
I think the 'them' should be more specific. ...dove at Noir,...
This 'turned' is very generic without reaction or any dialogue?
Shockng that they are suddenly dead, great plotting, Tristen.

>>> "Then you don't leave me much of choice."
"Then you don't leave me much of 'a' choice."

>>> "They foreswore such things as freedom...
I believe it is spelled, 'forswore'.

>>> He snarled, "I made Lock and Key, and I made this city. They are mine to keep or to destroy as I wish."
This kind of revealing history is exciting in emotional dialogue.

>>> As he spoke, Noir made lazy gestures with one hand,...
Since this is such a long block of text, better to start a new paragraph here.

>>> It wasn't long before we learned to fear our parents and their bible, ...
Break it again with another new paragraph. It will be so much easier to read.

>>> "So I did was I what I had to, so...
Extra words...
"So I did what I had to, so...

>>> "Advance four hundred years and a man approaches us,
Start another new paragraph. Wow, 400 years!

>>> I found him as a burnt husk, little more than smoking bones
Another new paragraph here...
Now it all is explained. What happened and why he has a metal body.

>>> "These are the men I've come to kill, and there is only one left; our deceiver, Lazarus."
Might be a little stronger dashes: only one left--our deceiver--Lazarus.
Laying out what is to come...again cool.

>>> He looked down at her, his steel eyes surprisingly soft as his free hand reached out to touch the skin above her heart. "Yeah, I promise." There was a moment of pain and then only darkness.
He really sort of cared about her, but the rule of Tyrants cannot allow her to live. (sigh)

FINAL COMMENT: A shocking, touching ending for a long, involved, violent chapter that changed a lot of things. It is still rough draft and you have many little things to correct and adjust. Of course the story is all there and I see why you liked it so much, but it does need your loving attention to the little stuff.
The images during the Solomon-Grim battle are at times a little fuzzy. The Hydes are amazing when they're clear. Read it out loud and visualize it. Paragraphing is really important to keep the story flowing. For a reader it is like an film editor's splice for one shot to the next.
You have done a massive amount of work on this chapter. It is going to be so neat and creepy!
Best, Gale




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .