Hello Armed Raven!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

Hook — does your story opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?


For me, the opening held a hook because I wondered why the viewpoint narrator was focused on the bird so much, and — to be honest — I guessed at that time that the girl could communicate with animals, and for me the hook was finding out whether I was right or not. Your final line satisfied me that I'd been right. The secondary hook, with the purple grass, was also really cool.

However, on the negative side, it wasn't clear what the girl 'tried again' which is a little frustrating within viewpoint narration where we should really hear the thoughts of the narrator, but we were deliberately excluded from them at this point to create a mystery. I feel that perhaps you could have created an adequate hook by having her attempt to communicate with the bird in her viewpoint thoughts but leaving the reader unsure whether she's really capable of doing that or she simply has an overactive imagination.

Characters — do they feel like real people?


The protagonist is proactive, going out there to talk to the bird, and intelligent, making wonderful observations about her parents and the world. She's also sympathetic, feeding the bird, interested in the other kids, suffering from her parents damaged relationship etc. Also, you give her a nice rounded character by bringing in her interest in environmental issues. However, I was mystified about her age. She speaks about environmental issues and DNA, which suggests she's later teens, but her interest in watching a ball game suggests younger to me. You don't really make it clear. However, the biggest issue for me was her name. You could have easily inserted the girl's name into her conversation with her parents when they spoke about moving, but you chose not to. It's natural for people to care more about other people if they know their name. We care very little for people if we don't know their name, but we value people more and care more about what happens to them if we know their name. For that reason, it's essential to give a protagonist a name as soon as possible in narrative.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?


You have a fantastic premise here. Really cool.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The pace was fast and interesting things happened. No problems here.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?


Really clear voice and no errors to note. My only real concern was that the voice might be too mature for the age of the girl, but I couldn't determine that because I don't know what age she is. She sounds 18, but I'm guessing she's maybe 14. There's nothing to guide me there.

You chose the present the human conversation in italics and then had the mental communication, the telepathy between the girl and the bird at the end, also in italics in exactly the same way. This may confuse readers. I mean, maybe it's just me, but after reading the ending, I reconsidered her conversation earlier with her parents and wondered if that had also been entirely telepathic. Also, to add to the issue, the way you've presented the conversation within the paragraph doesn't allow it to be really shown within a scene, and I think it would be better presented as a fully realized back flash of memory.

The relationship of her parents' had become like a beloved doll whose face had been glued back on after breaking, - sometimes small changes can tighten your prose and make it sound more active without altering the meaning. Consider: Her parents' relationship had become like a doll's face that had been glued back together after breaking,

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?


I really like the setting you've chosen, and it's described really well. There were only two big issues, in my mind. First, you don't hint at the season in spite of ample opportunities when she's looking at the grass or the leaves in the trees etc, eg. were there spring flowers dotted in the grass? were the boys on the field preparing for a particular sporting event? Was she wondering if she'd see them at school when she started X? Were the leaves turning brown? Second, there's no taste, smell or temperature reactions. Warm sun on her face would hint at midsummer, unless you commented it was unseasonally warm for spring/summer. She could smell some flowers, or maybe some nasty farm smell, like fertilizer being spread etc. Extra sensory information helps better immerse the reader.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


Excellent themes: relationship issues affecting kids, environmental issues, crime, breakdown of society etc. All great stuff.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


This was an excellent opening with a wonderful hook. I feel it would be much improved, though, if you could give the protagonist a name and narrow down her age so the reader can identify with her a little better.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

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Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .