Hello Rovera!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your introduction.

What I liked.

I do like the stone gollums mentioned at the end, and it would have been nice to see them in action at some point in your introduction to the scene. Talbata is an interesting character with a unique view as an outsider from the countryside in a big city.

What I feel may need improvement.

A few notes I took while reading through:

It would be nice to see Talbata in action during the story, how she stepped in to separate the orc from the minotaur and so nearly lost her head when the minotaur lost his, and to see her order the restroom door kicked down, then maybe drag the evil necromancer off the poor girl herself. Make her more proactive and involved in what's going on and show the scene as she cuts a path through the crowds at her busy inn.

The squeaky wooden sign in front of the three-tier house was adorned with flamboyant purple letters that read “Talbata’s Tavern”. - this is a gramatically passive sentence. The active equivalent would be: Famboyant purple letters that read “Talbata’s Tavern” adorned the squeaky wooden sign in front of the three-tier house. Active sentences are usually considered more engaging than passive. Think also about your vocabulary selectionos. For example, is 'house' the best word, or would 'inn' communicate more information and be more accurate?

Talbata, the middle aged female halfling, owned the place. - this is a 'telling' sentence that adds little to your narrative. Try to work her age and race into other, more showing sentences. For example, 'When grey had made its first appearance in Talbata's lushious locks, she'd abandonned the halfling village of her youth to come to the big city and live among the other races of the Nine Kingdoms (or whatever your place is called).'

But it seems that Chaos is the only really omnipresent God after all. - with this sentence, you slip into present tense. I'd recommend you keep your narrative in past tense to be consistent.

In Talbata’s homeland, a regular halfling could match a professional cook of any other race in the kitchen. - it's irrelevant where they are; the fact remains the same.

And soon her tavern turned into a gold spring that flooded her stashes. - 'coffers' might be a better word choice than 'stashes'

with sweat springing from the bandana that she would always wear. - the bandana she always wore - more active.

“All we gotta do is to keep the balcony clean and the fire burning!” - I'm not clear what the balcony has to do with anything. It's not a significant part of a building.

balcony to compensate for the furniture that was crushed during the fight. - furniture crushed during the fight - more active.

There was also the incident of the fire mage that was given for dead and abandoned by his group. - though it's technically okay to use 'that' as a pronoun in place of 'who', it's generally considered bad style. Watch out for repeating essentially the same thing twice, ie. 'given for dead' and 'abandoned by his group' kinda mean the same thing. - of the fire mage abandoned by his group' - tighter.

therefore attracting more adventurers, in a vicious cycle. - a vicious cycle would imply it's always bad, but what you've described is bad leading onto good, more of silver linings in every cloud type scenario.

to flaunt about that time that she had to shelter her staff in the kitchen - boast or brag might be better words to use than 'flaunt' - the minotaur and orc thing that follows is a reeat of minotaur and orc action already shown in a preceding paragraph.

Conclusion.

The setting introduced and Talbata are interesting, but you should think about 'showing' the setting more through her actions rather than 'telling' the reader what her tavern looks like.

Thank you for sharing your introduction with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

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Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .