Hello JJDel


Disclaimer:
These are only my opinions. Feel free to use what you find helpful and disregard the rest {/b}



I like the story line and the ending.



Great story line,, it needs a little tweaking. The ending has a twist, great job. The beginning paragraph is catchy, it hooks the reader. Good details and plot, it keeps the reader turning the page.



I was barely seventeen and I once killed a boy.
. . . seventeen when I killed a boy.

The boy howled in pain. He screamed and cried and begged me to stop.
He howled in pain begging me to stop (how did you kill him; hitting, stabbing, biting)

Remove your adverbs they only slow your story (very and that).

Mommy and Daddy were sleeping in the moonlight. I slowly opened the door that did not make a sound. I crept in the shadows up to the foot of their bed.
The first line is out of place because you have sleeping in moonlight before you open the door. "I opened the door not making a sound and crept in the shadows. Mommy and daddy slept in the moonlight. At the foot of the bed . . ."
I don't think most seventeen year old call their parents mommy and daddy.
It also needs some character description.



Good story. I enjoyed reading it.
Thank you for sharing your story. Keep on writing!


Gypsy Ann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .