The Hook: I've been watching a few videos lately for work, but mostly it was new. You don't see many stories using "real time" technology. Usually it's things from the past or futuristic idea. So that pulled me in.

The Dialogue: Aside from Jessica and a short appearance by the girlfriend, we don't have too much. At least, not much back and forth between characters. But, for what you're doing here, it works. You break it up well and make it easy to follow.

Character Development: In a story this long, I'd have liked to have known Damon a bit better. I know he's the guy who gets seduced, but a little more insight on what he's like both inside and outside could have beefed the whole piece up a little.

Scenery: I think the same is true here as with your characters. A few more descriptive words and you'd let the reader have a sense of place and being in the story. Describe more thing like you did the tomato!

Plot: Well, I didn't see it coming. I thought Jessica might have you sending cash and jewelry, but that was a nice dark surprise. Good work.

Mechanics: If it were me, in paragraph 4, I'd italicize the title of the video, and quote your last thought without italics. Otherwise, it's put together well.

Final Thoughts: I had no trouble rending though what you've written, and once into it a little way, I wanted to see where it was going. I like to try and figure out the writer before the end, but you had one with enough flair to make it unique. I enjoyed it!


Happy Writing!

Mastiff