Hello Angus,

Good Lord, what an ending!

When I popped over to your profile this featured item caught my eye. I'm glad it did! You managed to both delight and terrify me!

You crafted a great dystopian/horror story that held my attention, more and more so as the story went on. Congratulations on the two contest wins you earned with it!

This line, and its placement in the story, was masterful. I think my heart stopped for a second. "That was the last time I saw Lenny Olson."

In the spirit of helpfulness, I do have one suggestion to strengthen your story. The actual story is fantastic! But the pacing, especially at the beginning, could be strengthened with more active language (and less passive). For example, in the second paragraph, "And that was when I noticed it: the leaves that my twenty foot elm tree was rapidly shedding were blue." You could amp up the action a bit with something like this: "And then I noticed it: the leaves my twenty foot elm tree rapidly shed were blue." I changed the passive verbs to active ones and made the whole sentence a bit more concise without changing your message.

You evoked my senses. You really brought the scales drama to life. I felt like I was there, experiencing the story, especially at the end. You are very talented!

Thank you for sharing your story!

Once again, I'm super glad you're featured as a port raid recipient in the Angel Review Forum and look forward to reading more of your stories.

May love, joy and peace be yours in abundance!
PWheeler


*** WDC Angel Army Review ***
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .