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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4442958
Review #4442958
Viewing a review of:
 Harmon the Hedgehog  [E]
A short story about Harmon the hedgehog and his adventure.
by Michael Stirland
Review by Cubby
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*Pumpkin2* Greetings, Michael Stirland ! I discovered your item request, "Harmon the Hedgehog" , this afternoon and decided to review it. *Smile*

         First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. *Smile* Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest.

Flow
         I love your (the narrator's) voice in this cute little story. A true story-telling voice. For some reason I can almost hear it, as if you were reading it on the radio for storytime, or even an audiobook. Are you good at doing different character voices? Anyway, although I have a few suggestions, I want you to know you have a knack for this storytelling business. *Smile*

Punctuation/Grammar
         All your punctuation and grammar appears good. *Smile*
However, I did find in Paragraph 3:
because what Mother doesn’t want their son to kiss them on the cheek
In this case, Mother is not a proper noun so should not be capitalized.
because what mother doesn’t want their son to kiss them on the cheek
And Paragraph 12:
In fact. Could it be that
I would recommend you replace the period with a comma and uncap the C in Could. *Smile*
In fact, could it be that

Thoughts/Suggestions
         Have you thought of adding more dialogue to your story? I'm a little torn about this. It reads very well, mostly because of you great narration, but dialogue helps give the main character more personality. It's up to you though. Perhaps a bit more description during the battle, where you could insert a bit of dialogue. Again, just a thought.
I love how you ended this little piece. You've set Harmon the Hedgehog up for more stories/adventures. *Bigsmile*

         *Starb* My favorite line:
                             But don’t tell him he has a cute button nose, because that would make him extremely embarrassed.
I love your tone! The narration is great!

*Thumbsup* Nicely written! I hope my suggestions were helpful. *Smile*

Have a great day and...
*Pumpkin2*  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! *Pumpkin2*
Cubby ")
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