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Review #4448500
Viewing a review of: {citem:}
Review of  
Review by Cubby
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: | (4.0)
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         *Pumpkin2* Greetings, bobturn! I found your item, "Invalid Item" , in Random Reviews and decided to review it. *Smile*

         First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. *Smile* Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest.

My First Impression
         I am not good at sci-fi writing, so right away, I was taken in by your piece here. It reads nicely and you've set the scene well. I could clearly envision it all happening. Great job. *Smile*

Punctuation/Grammar/Typos

         In Paragraph 1: What do you mean, You'll want to add beginning quotation marks here. *Smile* "What do you mean,

         In Paragraph 3: If you think it is so strange why don’t you report it to the authorities.” You might consider adding a comma for pause after the word strange and also replace the period at the end of this sentence, since it is actually a question. *Smile* If you think it is so strange, why don’t you report it to the authorities?”

         In Paragraph 9: Had to us an emergency override I would guess you meant use, not us. *Wink* Had to use an emergency override

         In Paragraph 14: “Anyone touch it, yet?” You might not want a comma here, unless you really want the reader to pause after the word it. “Anyone touch it yet?”

Thoughts

         I enjoyed the friction between Meeple and Myrkyl. Here it was, Myrkle's first day on the job and his boss's disinterest and condescending words made him feel defeated. The reader immediately dislikes Meeple and sides with the youngster. I hate it when people are condescending! *Bigsmile* It's happened to me, and probably to you, too, as you have created the perfect dialogue in this particlar scene, showing beyond just telling, Meeple making Myrkyl feel inferior.

         I also like the way you ended this piece. It piqued my interest, for sure! *Smile*

         *Starb* My favorite line:
                             “Horn swaggle.” Meeple tweeted an octave higher than intended.
*Laugh* I loved this! *ThumbsUp*

*Thumbsup* Nicely written! I hope my suggestions were helpful. *Smile*

Have a great day and...
*Pumpkin2*  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! *Pumpkin2*
~Cubby ")
Ghost House Simply Positive signature.


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 10/30/2018 @ 8:40am EDT
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