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Review #4448739
Viewing a review of:
 
The Rich Young Ruler  [ASR]
See: Luke 18:18-30
by QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns
Review by ruwth
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)

May God bless both of us as we grow as writers together!


QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns,

I want you to know, as I read your entry to September's round of "The Christian Writing Contest" , the first thing I thought was "this is a winner"! I love your retelling of the Biblical story.

I will give a suggestion or two. The first is to cut some thats. It may sound funny but it is something someone told me a long time ago: most of the thats we use are not needed and cutting them makes our writing cleaner and tighter and better.

Some of the thats in your essay cannot be cut because they are in a quote from the Bible but eliminating the ones you can would likely improve this piece and future ones as well.

As I was reading and I got to: "But, wait a minute. How did Jesus answer him?" I loved it! You got me engaged in what you had to tell me!

Now, I have to say, "Wait a minute..." *Frown* There is a different tone, a different voice between the first half of your essay and the second half. I guess the main thing is that the first half is you retelling the Biblical story in your own words and adding a little bit of commentary. It is fun to read and draws me in. The second half strays from this model and is more dry. So, I would suggest you change the ending so it follows suit with the first half or abbreviate it so as not to weigh down the feel of this piece.

As a Christian, I love your expressed desire:

I hope this contribution finds its way in someone’s heart who is thirsty for the knowledge of the Word of God and be saved “by grace through faith plus nothing.”


I also found it interesting for you to open your essay mentioning the WdC birthday celebration and concluding with it as well. It is different but I think it works in helping us feel as though you are really talking to us! *HeartP*





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