%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4469538 |
| ** Image ID #1934576 Unavailable ** Hi MatildaRose   ,I'm just dashing through with a review! Impression This is well-written and the first two lines grabbed me immediately. What a vivid image! And the whole poem is just heart-wrenching verse after heart-wrenching verse about child soldiers. What an amazing tribute to these young souls who are forced to give up their souls for someone else's devious plans. Not only is this true to life but it's a sucker punch to the gut with each line. Well done packing in the emotion in this poem! Word Choice(s) I didn't really stumble until government figure. For some reason that just felt wrong to me - I can't say exactly why but the language was so formal and such a shift from the first three lines that I struggled. Might just be me but I thought I'd point it out. It almost seemed like a description should be there - a tormentor with a gun perhaps, or some other vivid imagery. After reading it several times that line still doesn't seem to fit to me, and throws the tone off. Flow The flow of this is largely smooth and easy to follow. I detail some grammatical issues and words later in Tips and Tricks. Here's a couple thoughts of some areas that you might consider in your editing. The irritation of which, he is not fussed. Something about this line seems off to me as well. Again very formal but "is not fussed" is strange language that doesn't roll off the tongue easily like the other words. In stanzas 5 & 6, there might be a line break that's unintended. I can't tell for sure but cowers and fixes are on single lines and I'm not sure why as that breaks the flow of the poem too. There's a clear progression from start to finish and nice contrasts throughout. Imagery/Description The imagery is brutally displayed in a very appropriate way, not gratuitous in any way. This poem pulls no punches in detailing tragedy in rich detail. Tips, Tricks, & Tidbits - dolls hair should be doll's hair (possessive form since the hair belongs to the doll) - boys should also be boy's hair. I'm also not sure the enjambment in that line works well. It might work better after hair instead maybe? - Too should be To (Too the left) - He filled with terror - maybe it should be he's filled or He is or just Filled with terror - Too replace the death line should be To replace... I'm really impressed with this overall. You've done a great job, stunning really, of paying tribute to child soldiers. Gotta run, but this was fun! Need a review? Submit a bitem link to "Invalid Item"  Need something to review? Access my portfolio showcase here. Items are ordered newest to oldest in each category:
     ** Image ID #2177703 Unavailable ** Join us on Discord for real-time chats!: https://discordapp.com/invite/Wa8sgg8  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
||||||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 02/19/2019 @ 5:31pm EST