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 Review #4497793 |
 Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  How's it going, twowolves? I'm Charlie ~ and I've chosen your item, "Invalid Item" for review today. Hope it finds you well.   Theme/Subject Matter: The topic of assault weapon bans and tighter gun control restrictions is reaching a fever pitch in the United States at this point. It's a disgrace that our country has travel warnings from other countries because our government is unwilling to protect its citizens, much less international travelers!  Originality/Creativity: This is a topical subject matter, but an important one. I think you showed some creativity with the Nero throwback bit in the fourth stanza. Readers might need to have a little bit of knowledge on the Roman empire and Nero as an emperor to get the full effect of those lines, but it was definitely an interesting comparison. Emotion/Impact: At this point, who among us isn't angry? It's a completely outrageous situation that is exclusively a USA problem. You did well in displaying your outcry for change and for people to wake up already. I can't believe that there are parents with school age children who oppose tighter gun laws. Instead, they'd prefer if the teachers become armed as well.  Your poem reflects the outrage that many of us feel. My Favorite Part: My favorite part of the poem was the second stanza. Guns are not toys and hateful people are delighted to use them with malice intent. I like the recipe for catastrophe/in the hands of a hateful boy lines the best because it points out how common sense it is that mixing these two elements is just such a bad idea. My Suggestions: I think the poem could use some tightening with the flow and word choices. To be more accurate, I think you'll have to make different word choices to get the poem to reach a smooth flow. The rhyming pattern is kind of all over the place in terms of which lines rhyme with which in each stanza. It prevents the poem from having a smooth rhythm throughout. For example, just looking at the first few stanzas. We have ABCCB rhyming scheme followed by ABCB, and then in the final stanza ABAB. I'd definitely give that a second look in an edit and see what you can do to make it more consistent. I'd also take a look at line length as well. Three syllable lines followed by seven syllable lines can throw the rhythm off. I also want to point out that your poem should be rated 18+ due to language. Summary: Overall, I think this is an important subject matter and I'm happy to see you expressing your outrage through your poetry. I do think the poem could be improved through some editing, but you're off to a good start! Thanks for sharing your writing with us. Want to chat in real-time with WDC writers? Join the WDC Discord:  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/09/2019 @ 3:14pm EDT