Dear Detective ,

I'm reviewing you as a member of WDC Angel Army.

This was very poignant and effective poem that works on sensory to evoke memories through a kind of meditation. The double spacing threw me off a bit. I think the text needs to be tighter with editing with focus on subject to help a reader.

I had to look this over line by line, because I see opportunities, yet it might be difficult to make edits other than to remove some passive voice and get more active with verbs, helping transition through meditations to memories revealed and shared. I'll try to go line by line. Hope it's not overwhelming, mostly just thoughts with suggestions for edits.

~START POEM ~
"The candle burns and burns
As the smell of cider fills the silence in between
It burns and the flame flickers, flickers, flickers
In the cool October night

I watch it burn until the candle is no longer solid
(The above line could be more descriptive, describe no longer solid, or say the candle sloughs into a pool of red liquid wax , because it might seem redundant.)
But just a pool of red liquid wax
And (As) apple cider fills the air

Thinking of days and years gone by and of those yet to come ('Thinking not as compelling as most verbs here)
Thinking of holidays and birthdays celebrated
And of those not yet celebrated
Of candles lit and melted and of candles not yet lit

Of apple cider and thunderstorm and Midsummer's night (singular or plural storm/night?)
Of Arsenic and Old Lace and rear windows (Hitchcock movies?) (Rear Windows?)
Of books read and pages turned and pages left unturned and stories untold ( Easier to say 'turning the pages of books read...and the unturned pages of stories unread?)
Of sweet salt air and waves crashing on the rocks

Of lighthouses casting a light out to see to guide the sailors on
Of songs sung and songs unsung (very sing-songy, this and all word repetition and reversed phrases)
Of words unspoken when they (that) should be said
Of words said (spoken) when they (that) should remain silent

I sit and watch the candle burn and think (sounds like candle think)
I watch and think but more importantly I remember (redundant use of think, only one reference to I needed)
I remember in thoughts and deeds, in words and actions (I'm sure repeated words like watch, think, remember drive the poem, but are ordinary words. You want to create a cadence, try more striking verbs.)

I remember the knight errant of yore riding off to face the dragon (this reference not found previous reminds you need a central metaphor, theme about this reverie, is it about literature/books? It would help to intone a central message.)
Cowboys riding off into a thousand burning sunsets
Worlds hidden behind doors and within the walls of blanket forts
Wizards and wonder and counting stars in the night sky (I like all of this to come earlier in poem to show us what you think, remember about. This weightier and lends more to poem.)

Turning the radio up when a song comes on and you just know it’s yours
Dancing in the front seat, (how do you do this?) not like no one’s watching but because you don't care if anyone is
But mostly I remember (this sticks out with no connection to anything.)
And that's enough (be)cause that'll do when the pain lessens and the scar heals (did I miss something here?)

I remember because the best thing in the world is to be remembered and to be remembered well
So I'll remember the songs sung and the roads travelled (traveled with one L)
The stories told and poems read
Flowers grown and new-fallen snows

But mostly, I'll remember so that nothing will ever be forgot" (forgotten?)
~END POEM~

There is so much at work in this poem, it would help to focus on how the candle plays a role inducing memories and give structure to what is revealed. Putting an entire lifetime into one poem is messy and unfocused. I like the section that refers to knights and cowboys and blanket forts best. There is a nostalgic dreariness when connected to books and connect to story nights and events that intoned those feelings.

You could almost flip the poem after candle introduction. Really, candle should be new and solid at start of poem and melted by poem's end if you want to show time elapsing/life lived with all these memories.

Good Luck,

Brian


17x the characters for minimum WDC reviewing credit, less intro and ending salutations.


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