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 Review #4577486 |
    Hello dragonwoman  ! I'm am very pleased to have found your flash fiction story this morning! I'm reviewing it on behalf of House Ravenclaw for the "Invalid Item"  Challenge and I hope you find my suggestions helpful.  This is a cute little story where in just about 300 words you tell of a wizard who turns into a werewolf only to find that he has developed an allergy to the moon!  I'm quite impressed that you were able to tell such a funny tale (tail?) in so few words. I've always found it difficult myself to write flash fiction, so I appreciate when other writers are able to do it well. And, you'll be happy to know, I did laugh at the reveal, which I'm sure was your intent. Well done! I think you did a great job with characterization and word choice in this piece. Both are important when you have so few words to work with - you want to make sure each word says exactly what you intend it to say. The voices of the characters are well thought out as well, though the only thing I would suggest there would be to make Albee sound a bit younger perhaps? That's up to you as I'm not sure what age you intended Albee to be, but in my mind he is a 13-16 year old, so if you could show that through his speech, that would be a great addition. Cedric the wizard immediately made me think of Cedric Diggory from the Harry Potter books! But in fact, your character of Cedric is perhaps more similar to the Professor Lupin who was revealed to be a werewolf in the third Harry Potter book, The Prisoner of Azkaban. The thought I had while reading about your Cedric's transformation was that perhaps he was allergic to his own body hair! That would make sense as well, especially with the title of this piece, but you thought to make him allergic to the full moon itself, which is even more creative! I do also have a few comments on your grammar. The first thing I noticed was your brief description that currently reads: "An old wizard has developing problem." I would edit this to read instead: "An old wizard has developed a problem." I've included a few other very minor punctuation and grammar edits in the dropnote below:Click here ▼ My last bit of advice is related to context within WDC. I can only assume that you've written this piece in response to a prompt in a contest of some type because you have certain words (nose, book, and nose again) written in bold. As a reader though, I'm not sure where the prompt came from or if there was a prompt at all. If I wanted to check out the contest for myself, I'd have to search high and low to find it, and then again, maybe it doesn't exist at all!  My suggestion would be to include some description of your flash fiction at the bottom of your item to give the reader a clue about why you wrote it in the first place. If it was in response to a contest, you might want to link back to the contest you entered. You also might want to include the prompt (if there was one), as well as the word count. Every writer is different, but I tend to do something that looks like this at the bottom of all my writings:__________________ Written for: {item:#######} Prompt: Write a flash fiction story under 500 words Word Count: 300 words Overall, I'm impressed that you were able to tell such a complete (and funny!) story in so few words! The subject matter was interesting and you did a good job developing the characters to be believable. My suggestions are just that: suggestions. I'm happy to discuss with you more over email if you like. Have a great day!-Emily   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/18/2020 @ 3:04pm EDT