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Review #4627615
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Review of Disappearing Act by bobturn

Initial Impression:

A very different take on the prompt. This is your strength, Bob, the imagination to see things where no one else can.

Title:

A perfect title. Makes a statement far enough from the prompt to raise curiosity, yet gives away nothing.

Content:

Here we're in Bob territory. Who else would disappear a whole house behind a door we can see? While everyone else is off imagining portals to other worlds, Bob vanishes a house. It's the originality that counts - he who finds the hidden track never gets held up in traffic jams.

Style:

And here's your weakness. It's those little grammatical errors and typos that spoil the product. Nothing wrong with your writing, apart from a tendency towards being too clever for your own good. If it's a choice between the snappy, witty sentence and the simple and straightforward, take the straight road every time, Bob. And get yourself a good editor to pick up all those whoopsies along the way. Or maybe Grammarly - I've never tried it but the ads make it look pretty good.

I like the way you write. It's just occasionally that you seem to get ahead of yourself and write a sentence that makes me stop and say, "Hey? What the heck does that mean?" And then I work it out and carry on but the damage has been done. Here's an example: "All he’d been trying to do was help the aspiring builder and self proclaimed world changing architect out." Towards the end I got completely lost in that sentence. I had to go back and reread until I realised that all it needed was for the word "out" to be moved so that the sentence reads "All he’d been trying to do was help out the aspiring builder and self proclaimed world changing architect." Oh, and hyphens between "world" and "changing" and "self" and "proclaimed" would help. But best of all would have been to write, "help out the aspiring builder" and leave it at that. Let the reader imply all the rest - he'll get it.

Flow/Pace:

No problems here - you know when to hit the accelerator and when to stand on the brakes.

Suggestions:

You have great instincts and I would never tell you to write shorter sentences or not to end a sentence with a preposition. It's just those niggling little errors that need to be fixed.

One minor problem in this particular story is the final sentence. How could Jeffery know that motion attracts the beast (or whatever it is)?

Overall Impression:

Great beginning. Will we ever see the continuation?

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