*Magnify*
◄     December     ►
1969
SMTWTFS
 
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
Archive RSS
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4631109
Review #4631109
Viewing a review of:
Rising Star Adventures and Beyond   [E]
Rising Star blog
by Marvelous Friend
         Review for entry/chapter: "A Very Important Meeting " 
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Review of A Very Important Meeting by Marvelous Friend for The Rising Stars

Initial Impression:

A brave subject to choose, I think. It's not easy to portray a person as well known but as distant for most as Jesus. It has to be a very personal portrait as a result and I like the way you have described Him. Your decision to withhold the name of the person until fairly deep into the piece enabled you to describe your surroundings and you took the opportunity well.

Title:

Does exactly what it says on the tin, as we say in England.

Content:

Considering the constraint of a word count of only 500, you have managed to get a considerable amount into so brief a meeting. The beginnings of theology indeed! It's in the simplicity and ordinariness of the conversation that you hit the target. Contrary to popular opinion, I do not think Jesus would talk in a pompous outdated form of English. He addresses us in the language we know and understand and this is exactly what you have done.

Style:

You have a simple and direct style that is well suited to the subject and how you have decided to tackle it. The one thing I have to point out is the old "show, don't tell" message. In other words, it is not necessary to tell me that the park was beautiful. You have told me enough for me to make up my own mind on that score.

Interestingly, you have not described how Jesus looked. I guess we all have our own opinions on that and it is probably the wisest course to dodge the issue. The important thing about Him is always the message.

Flow/Pace:

Always a difficult one to judge. I didn't notice any hiccups or huge variations in pace so we can take it that those aspects are fine. Remember that it can spice up a piece if the pace varies to indicate matters of greater interest or excitement, however.

Suggestions:

I'm sure Jesus wouldn't mind your appearance at the meeting in a jogging suit but I have my doubts that, given such an opportunity, you really would wear such a garment for it. Go on, admit it - you'd make more of an effort than that! It's a pointer to how important the meeting is to you and the reader will take their cue on this from what you wear (amongst other things). Let them know that this is the most important moment of your life.

Favourite line or part:

This only struck me on the second reading. Your sentence, "I looked at my watch." Cheeky! Was Jesus going to be late? Just joking but it is slightly incongruous. And that's why I love it.

Overall Impression:

A solidly competent essay on a subject that you obviously love. Being me, I would have liked a few surprises in the text. A few words from Jesus to allow us to see a fully rounded personality, for instance. He was anything but conventional while on earth and said some truly revolutionary things.

But that's just me - I like to see things progress beyond the every day.



~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~


Small photo

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4631109