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Review #4714228
Viewing a review of:
 Unresponsive Love  [ASR]
Storyline of a couple and their deadly altercation over infidelity.
by Queen Kee
Review of Unresponsive Love  
Review by Bikerider
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hi I'm Bikerider and I am offering this review of {bitem:} on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

Item Reviewed: "Unresponsive Love" 
Author: Queen Kee
Reviewer: Bikerider


Please use this link to see how I rate an item."Comment-In-A-Box" 


First off, welcome to writingdotcom. I hope you find the friendships and inspiration so many of us have found here. If I can help you navigate around the site please don't hesitate to email me.

First impression?: The story is a sad one, made even more sad by the fact that a young girl, Grace, is witness to the terrible events. But you did a great job of showing her emotions.

Characters: You did a good job with the characters. The actions and dialogue you assigned to them brings them to life and makes them authentic. Good job!

Items that might benefit from your further attention:

1. Opening sentences/paragraphs in any story are vitally important, it's where you pull your reader into the story so it should be correct. You wrote:
"Why don't you love me!?", a deep voice yells out in the kitchen area. "Why don't you love me!? is a complete sentence, therefore, A deep voice yells out in the kitchen. Or should it be from the kitchen?

2. You know babe, at one point in time you used to cherish the grown [ground] I walk on. Now there's nothing but coldness" he explained.

3. as she walks away he grabs her arm harshly. As she walks away...
"It's never the right time for you," he says slyly.

4. Her tiny hands pull the beige travel bag towards them and unzip [unzips] it.

Final Thoughts: I'm a retired police officer/detective, so this story resonated with me in a big way. It also brought back memories. When a story resonates with a reader, like it did me, it's an example of good writing.

The scene is well-described, the characters and their dialogue are realistic, and the action, while sad, is also realistic.

Thank you for sharing your writing.

Bikerider


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