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 Review #4722024 |
 | Contest Entries  [13+] Most entries are going to be E rated but some may go beyond that.  |
| (4.0)  Hey Angelica- Happy Mothers Day! This is a review for "Beyond the portal Chapter One" for completing all seven years at "The Contest Challenge" ! Congratulations!!  I enjoyed your story. It's really cute and creative. It made me root for them to battle and win against the evil ones locking away the town in chains, and turning many creatures into monsters.  Title and Description - Beyond the portal is a fabulous title. Since it's a book entry, there's not a description. But the title did hook my interest, and made me want to read on.   Characters - Your characters are nicely created. Your story makes sure we get to know the main characters' personalities fully. Even in the first chapter. I found the characters relatable and believable. The dialog flowed well and was easy to follow.  Setting - You did a good job on the setting. As I read along, I was easily able to envision their setting, and what lay around them.  What I like about your piece - I loved the creativity of your creatures. I also liked how she stumbled through the portal, after always imagining portals. It was like she had a psychic connection to who she truly was. Suggestions - I do have a few suggestions below. Please remember these are just my thoughts and opinions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.  My name was Zakia Since this is only the first chapter, I'm not sure if she ends up dying in the end. If she does, leave it as is. If not, the word, 'was' should be 'is'.  already driving for already driving to  In my backyard I ran,After 'backyard' insert a comma. Delete the comma after 'ran'.  In the garden I foundIn the garden, I found  Once past the prairie I couldn't continue farther, so I sped up.Once past the prairie, If you can't continue any farther, how can you speed up? I didn't quite understand that.  laid my hand to the ground,laid my hand on...  face to face of what face-to-face with what  But then I would need to get home soon so that my parents won't find out that I'm gone. ...my parents wouldn't find out that I was gone.  she had pop something into her mouth. she had popped... full grown. Trees were encouraged to prevent erosion. That I believed and daddy full-grown. ....and Daddy  then knelt down behind a bush. couple peepholescouple of peepholes arguing to a shadow.arguing with a shadow.  signalled to keep quiet.signaled to keep quiet. the bushes for while longer.the bushes for a while longer. pay back for what he had done. payback for what he has done.  shape shiftersshapeshifters  for so long I lost trackfor so long that I lost track  mind controlmind-control We soon creeped aroundWe soon crept around  medium sizedmedium-sized With that, we moved forest and then his in bushes{/ forest and then hid...  We could hear men and woman...hear men and women other food bags won't be taken.....wouldn't be taken.  I grabbed meat I grabbed the meat looking at fog. Fog looking at fog. The fog And still, they ate all the meat. Three hills It has three hills  Shukulas remains hidden.....remain hidden. Next I was recognizing to prepare for the largest eggs to hatch.Next, I realized the largest eggs were going to hatch. -OR- Next, I prepared for the largest eggs to hatch. "Only Ashediped are able to impress them."Only Ashediped can impress them. Now i was a dragon hybrid.Now I was...  we need to train them, don't we. ...don't we?  a marble for them.a marble to them.  less likely they will to hold it....will be to hold it.  In a world of magic, I in their buildingin their buildings.  She assured thatShe assured me that He held the lowliest rank of shape shifters who often chose those that were very educated.He held the lowest rank of shapeshifters, who often chose those who were highly educated. walls at my own ease. Mom and dadwalls at my ease. Mom and Dad  It maybe too late to go back. However, we shouldn't fight for just ourselves. We should fight for the others too. Those dwarves looked miserable and wanting to cry.It may be.... fight for others too. ...and wanted to cry. determination in her face. I couldn'tdetermination on her face. I wouldn't Think it's night time ...nighttime except news travels I enjoyed reading your story! You have such a fabulous, creative idea for a book! You were able to pack so much into chapter 1. Your characters are unique, well-rounded, and memorable. I'm excited to see the direction you take this magical story!  Tracey   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 12/11/2023 @ 10:02am EST