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Review #4743983
Viewing a review of:
 
Creating Motion in Fiction  [13+]
How to apply show don't tell principle and adjust the pace of the story
by Joy
Review by Annette
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
A "Game of Thrones"  review from
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The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.


Hello Joy

First impression:

Items that help with writing are always something I am interested in reading. I am glad that you have created this document and make it available to the community in your "Items on the Craft of Writing "  folder.

What works:

Great job presenting several examples of show don't tell that cover a host of different scenes and how to make them more lively.

What needs work:

It's been a theme recently, but it bears repeating. It could be a good idea to increase the font size to 3.5 or 4.0.

The reader of today, because he is so strongly conditioned by the movies *Right* it might be an idea to make the reader gender neutral. The mention of "he" makes me feel as if I'm not included as a woman. And it also makes me think that "he" is a little bit dumb for being so conditioned.

To start with, the show, don't tell principle has to be at work here *Right* the underlined part is clumsy. The words "to start" demand to be offset with a comma, but the thing you're describing has a comma in the middle. It takes very slow reading, more than once, to really get what the sentence means. Considering this text is about not droning on, the words "to start with" should be deleted.

Final thoughts:

I think your suggestion to circle all of the adjectives and adverbs is a good one.



Annette
"The WDC Angel Army" 


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 04/12/2024 @ 11:03am EDT
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