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Review #4747564
Viewing a review of:
 The Mistake  [13+]
A woman lives the longest day of her life, waiting to come clean to her partner.
by katbb3
Review of The Mistake  
Review by Bikerider
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY!

The title of this piece fits the story perfectly, especially the subtitle.


The opening paragraph not only describes the conflict well, it shows Sara's emotional state. And third, you gave the reader a glimpse of the character's back story; Sara had done this before. Very well done!

It's not always easy to show the reader a character's emotions, but you did an excellent job showing Sara's anxiety and her fear at having to admit her infidelity. I assume it was an infidelity? I'll list a couple of examples to show what I mean.

That’s why it was going to be so hard to tell her what she had done. Sara could barely understand it herself, let alone believe it. I think when a person does something totally out of character, they wonder if the act occurred at all. I think this description fits that emotion.

She mimed her way through a day full of work, going through the motions, constantly thinking back. Memories flowed through her mind like a slide show. This is another good example of 'showing' a character's emotions. Sara's anxiety are front and center here.

Two items that might benefit from your further attention:

1. They way the lights played in Jill’s crystalline eyes. Despite her bold features Jill’s inner peace was the perfect balance for Sara [Sara's] wild ways.

2. She tried to swallow the gear [fear] and guilt that kept coming up.

Neither of these simply-fixed errors take away from the story.

Final Thoughts:

I like the way you used the changing weather, storms, dark clouds, and wind, to show the increased fear as Sara approached her door. While I was hoping I'd learn how this played out, wishing the couple could weather the storm, ending the story with: Sara shut the door, as the rain began to pour. is perfect.

I enjoyed reading this interesting and well-written story. Thank you for sharing your writing.

Bikerider


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