I really enjoyed the imagery in this piece. You did a great job of creating lines that felt really vibrant and active, and it made the read flow really well. I particularly liked the internal rhyme and meter of the first four lines; they really set the cadence and style for the piece.

Some of the later lines in the poem didn't quite follow the same pace, cadence, and structure as the earlier four. For example, in the first four lines, the rhyming ones are lines two and four... but in the next four lines, the rhyming lines are one and three. In the next four lines, there are no rhymes at all, but the first line of the next four lines rhymes with the second line. It can be difficult to start an item with a rigid structure and then move to an unstructured ending because the reader expects the form to follow throughout. I'd recommend conforming the whole poem to the same structure, removing the structure entirely, or starting with the less structured part and move into the more structured part at the end, so that whatever format you choose feels deliberate rather than like a lack of focus or intention.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this item. The first four lines were so powerful, and I think there's a lot of potential in this piece. Nice job!