This week: How to Cope With Fear of Rejection Edited by: Kit of House Lannister  
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When did you 'feel the fear and do it anyway'?
Fear of rejection is a terrible thing. Fortunately, there is a way out.
This week's Spiritual Newsletter is all about helping your brain work with you, rather than against you.
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Have you ever experienced fear of rejection? You may have had the occasional moment or, like me, lived with it throughout your life.
I cannot remember a time when I haven’t felt insecure, haven’t suffered from low self-esteem. It’s… not great. It’s held me back over and over again and I wonder what I would be like right now if I had been more outgoing and confident.
When people talk about fear of rejection, they often think it applies to romantic relationships. The fear of approaching the person you fancy, putting your feelings on the line only to learn that they do not feel the same. That can be frightening. It can feel easier to not take that risk. Fear of rejection can go much further than that, however. It threatens friendships, educational opportunities, jobs… it can be extremely limiting.
Take job interviews, for example. To be successful at such an interview you need to sell yourself. Highlight your good points, make them see that you are the perfect candidate, the perfect fit. I’m no good at that. Even when I check all the boxes it makes me cringe to big myself up, and then doubt sets in. What if I am not the best person for this job? There are probably loads of people far more qualified than I am. What if they hire me and I fail to meet their expectations? What if my colleagues don’t like me? Soon, the level of anxiety I came in with rises to such an extent that I have a genuine urge to run from the room, far, far away from the situation, and instead of being the confident professional they’re looking for I become this sad little bundle of nerves who they’ll gently let down. Or never contact again. Confirming that I was right to experience the fear of rejection that I did.
When I learned that in order to become a PhD candidate I’d have to do a presentation and several panel interviews I chose, instead, to do a second undergraduate degree. I’m now thinking of doing a second Master’s after this. I’m already perfectly qualified to undertake a PhD, but the voice that tells me that doing all this would give me such a better shot at getting accepted is actually just masking the fact that I’m delaying that terrifying situation where I will stand there, facing these people who I just know won’t see the best in me. How can they, when I can’t seem to help showing them my worst?
Fear of rejection can be so bad that even simply meeting someone new makes you believe that what they see, standing there, facing you, is someone deeply flawed and unworthy of their time and attention. In a way it’s quite a self-centered fear because it does not take into consideration that the other person has their own fears and insecurities or, at least, their own thoughts which are unlikely to be focused on you to the extent that you assume they are.
I’m trying to get better at the whole ‘feeling the fear and doing it anyway' thing. Age helps. The older I get, the less concerned I am about what people think of the way I dress, or of my hobbies and interests. Life’s difficult, and we must embrace what brings us joy and comfort. On the other hand, having spent several decades experiencing this fear makes it somewhat difficult to shake.
I’m challenging myself to take some chances. I applied for my first academic project and was accepted. Entered a little competition and won a prize. Joined a consultation, telling myself that my voice matters. Sent out a couple of emails trying to regain an athlete’s autograph – the one I had was stolen from me and it would be nice to have a new one. I even sent a letter to the King of the Netherlands – it’s a long story.
When I do these things I feel a sense of dread opening my email inbox. If I received a response I daren’t open it for a while in case it contains a what are you even thinking, contacting us! I have an idea for my newsletters, for which I will have to send out some emails, and I already feel some anxiety even thinking of writing those messages. I’m still going to do it. I’m no longer willing to let life slip by.
If you are anything like me, please don’t let fear hold you back to the extent that I have. Please don’t spend years, decades even, missing out on opportunity after opportunity because you believe that you are not good enough. Not worthy enough. You are.
I know that it is difficult. I know what the fear feels like. I know that we can tell ourselves all these good things, these positive messages, use logic and reason, yet the dread insists on settling in. I know. It’s horrible, and it’s truly unfair.
What is the worst that can happen, though? We send that email and we get rejected. By some stranger. They don’t know us. They’ll have stopped thinking about us seconds after sending that message. The same goes for meeting someone new. What if they do think badly of us? We’ll not have made a new friend. That’s fine. We won’t actually have lost anything.
That’s the key – we don’t lose anything by trying. I know you’ll have heard it many times before, and I know that it doesn’t stop the fear, but we need to realise that it’s true. We don’t lose anything by trying. At best, we gain something that we want. At worst, everything will be as it was before.
It’s not like we escape any and all negative feelings when we opt out of doing what we’d love to do. We may avoid the fear, but there’s still the anxiety leading up to the decision, and then there’s the guilt we experience when we once more give in. We might as well take a chance and possibly get something out of it.
And when we try and try and try, and see some positive results, our brains will begin to acknowledge that it’s not that bad, really. That we don’t need to go through all that negativity. That we can do this! That we deserve this! That we are people of worth!
Our brains are wonderful. Miraculous. Unfortunately, they can also work against us. It’s up to us to help them become our enthusiastic cheerleaders.
I believe in you.
Kit of House Lannister
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Spiritual: April 13, 2022 Issue [#11312]
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