  Spiritual
This week: Where do they get it from? Edited by: THANKFUL SONALI Now What?  
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What parents say and do can deeply affect kids -
and kids carry that baggage through life. |
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Good Day, Readers!
This Facebook update by a friend got me thinking:
She has tagged it 'feeling guilty', and given us a bit of a conversation between her five year old son (A) and her husband (his Dad), on the phone:
Proof of how dramatic my 5 year old is.
A's conversation with his Dad, on the phone.
A (sounding animated): Dad, something bad has happened.
Dad (sounding alarmed): What happened?
A: My pencil sharpener has a crack in it.
Dad: Oh. OK, that's it? Put a tape on it.
A: DAD! You don't get it. Stuff can start falling out.
SIGH! Everything is a lot of drama in his life ... wonder who he got it from ...
And, after wondering where he gets it from, and a comment by someone saying it's hilarious, she goes on to confess:
This behavior is based on my reaction -
that is, how I will react if there are pencil shavings on the floor.
It all sounds cute and funny and what-not, but what I'm thinking is -
Is the Mom being too paranoid, about something like pencil shavings on the floor? With the result, is she bringing up a kid for whom every small thing is a calamity? Or, on the other hand, is she teaching him to be mindful of others' needs and keep his stuff neatly? My first thought was that it's the former -- she's being a tad neurotic about tiny things, with the result that a broken pencil sharpener becomes a huge problem for the kid. Possibly, he's going to let the smallest obstacle or unexpected occurrence bother him wherever he is - school, college, workplace ...
But - maybe it'll be the other way. Maybe he'll learn: "Mom doesn't like pencil shavings (and other stuff) on the floor, so I should be careful not to upset her. I should mend the pencil sharpener as soon as it shows signs of breaking." Which means he'll learn to take control of things, and not let them get out of hand.
The example sounds a bit exaggerated -- going from a cracked pencil sharpener to taking or losing control of one's life -- and perhaps that is a huge leap of imagination -- but we have to admit that the little things do have the habit of adding up.
The reason this got me thinking so much is -- my parents pampered me a lot. Both of them come from big families (my Dad is the seventh brother out of nine, my (late) Mom, the eldest of five siblings) and thus, I'm an only child. I have been doted upon -- and, between Mom, Dad and Nanny, haven't been allowed to lift a finger to help myself.
This has resulted in my feeling incompetent. Like I'm not capable of doing the simplest thing for myself. Today, with Mom and Nanny having passed away and Dad being seventy-nine years old, I have to suddenly take on chores and responsibilities that I have never been taught to expect or cope with. And the worst fight is the one in the head - "This is something that needs to be done? How the heck am I going to do it?" Doing the smallest day-to-day task is like climbing a huge mountain, I have to first fight my own feelings of inadequacy and sometimes (I'll admit) fear or even laziness. I find myself listening for, "Here, let me do it ..."! When Dad pampers me (often!) even now, I have to remind myself that what he's doing falls in the category of mollycoddling, that I ought to be breaking out of it.
When I talk to Dad about it, he says there was/is no 'conspiracy' to keep me incompetent -- it just happened. And how did it happen? By a series of little things that added up. "You are too small to do that, dear, here, let me." "Oh, you'll spill those if you carry them, dear, here, let me." "What a mess you made trying to wipe that! Next time, don't do it yourself, let me." And (this one takes the cake) "Isn't she CUTE when she tries to do stuff herself? Here, let me."
I've often been asked why I didn't rebel -- but my counter-question is -- what was there to rebel against? Here were three adults who loved me and had my best interests at heart, telling me that I was not up to doing something for myself, and they'd readily do it for me. I believed them, that I was incapable, and accepted their 'help'. No scope for fighting, or rebellion! It was the way it was. From their point of view, they were trying to give me a comfortable life, a happy childhood -- more importantly, a childhood that was different from their own childhoods. I don't doubt their love, I don't doubt their good intentions. But the message I kept getting was that I was incompetent and shouldn't try doing anything.
And that's why my friend's FB message triggered alarm bells and an analysis. It looks cute now, like a joke, a kid stewing over a cracked pencil sharpener. But what's it leading to? I only hope it leads to some good!
Thanks for listening
Sonali |
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I really, really want to thank those who responded to "Spiritual Newsletter (February 12, 2014)" .
All of you have greatly helped me understand my own response to the gift I got from my neighbour. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me!
Mia - craving colour
Hi Sonali. Sounds to me like you and your friend have different values. Perhaps at this stage in the friendship, she's gone one step further in being herself.
If you are uncomfortable with the gift, perhaps you could say something like, "I appreciate your gesture, but I'm uncomfortable accepting such an expensive gift. It's not in keeping with my values."
If she insists you keep it, thank her for it and tuck it away.
Or re-gift it to her on a suitable occasion.
Do not set expectations of what she could have got for you instead.
That is expecting her to be someone other than who she is.
It could be that she met you in your values at the start of the friendship. Perhaps she now wants to express hers. It does not mean you have to be grateful. Just gracious.
alysia
The pen is extremely beautiful. I understand your ingratitude in the situation. I also understand her side. It is perfectly normal to feel how you feel, but the only thing that could be counted as wrong would be to live in it. Yes, she did wrong by asking you what you wanted and knowing what you didn't like. Perhaps she thought hey, a writer would love to have a pretty pen? Maybe she saw it one time and was so excited to give it that she already had in mind what she wanted to give you. Perhaps instead of dwelling and tormenting yourself, why don't you have a talk with her. Maybe buy her some coffee to let her know that you are still friends, but yes, you aren't happy about the situation. And always remember to use I statements instead of you. I feel like you didn't value my values when I got this pen. I felt like you didn't care at all. Something to that extent because if you go immediately accusing her she won't want to listen. It's all about communication. I will ponder on your dilemma some more and see if I can't help you out. I hope this makes sense.
Marie A. DiMauro 
Honestly, I'd put all that emotion into writing a story :). Maybe an allegory? It's not the pen, it's the friendship that matters. I thought I was the only one who would over think my emotions. Thank you for sharing, now, I'm going back to find some inspiration of some sort. :) ... Marie
monty31802
You have made some good points as to the value of items without $$$ be involved.
Quick-Quill 
I really think this is guilt more than being ungrateful. She gave you something you didn't feel worthy of but more than that she broke the "afforable" rule you both used. What is it that is really the problem? You feel you can't reciprocate. You are "in debt" and that makes you uncomfortable. Step back. Look at this from an outsider's point of view. What would you say to You if you weren't so close to the situation? Probably, "Accept it graciously, use it at home when you're writing. Feel appreciated that she thinks you are a special friend and don't over think her motives. They are hers alone. You are just the recipient of a beautiful gift she took time to chose. It isn't the $ to her, it was a part of her she felt she needed to give to you. Smile, Be thankful she had the means and desire but don't feel you have to give back in kind." See how easy that was? I know that's how you would think if you talked to someone else in the same situation. Don't assume. Be thankful in all things.
Zeke
You should be grateful for the intent of your friend whether or not you value the gift. This is only my personal opinion. Zeke
ANN Counselor, Lesbian & Happy
Thank you for reminding us of something important:love the giver even when the gift is wrong; that is the real gratitude. Ann
pinkbarbie
Instances of gratitude-ingratitude are very contradicting because we appreciate some aspects of the instances such as you appreciating that your friend considered that you're a writer and bought you a pen, but placed emphasis on brand and price. I go through that same sometimes and it is psychologically disturbing as to what stand to take. As for the topic for a spiritual newsletter, I think it's very appropriate because spiritual doesn't just have to do with God, but also our mind/ spirit where thoughts, emotions and behavior come from. Thanks for sharing.
G. B. Williams 
I have four children who often articulate about me what you have written about your feelings about your expensive gift. First, let me say the pen is beautiful, and I would have the same feelings you have about the pen. In fact, I have a few of those kinds of wonderful gifts that I every now and then take out the box, look at them and then put them back in the box. Most stay in the box so long they no longer write because the ink dries up. Very pretty. Very expensive. Very scared I will lay them down somewhere and they will be gone forever, and then what do I do?
I don't think that you are ungrateful, I think that you are more confused about what to do with the gift, and it is a challenge (that you did not ask for) to show appreciation for the gift by using it and claiming it as one of your favorite gifts. That is the tricky part. My way of handling this is to let my friend or children know that it was way too expensive for them to trust me with it, but now that they did, I am going to put it up in a safe place for future use or review. They understand that even if they do not like it. At the same time, my children do not ask what I like, but try their best to move me into some new modern day position. It tickles me because they are so young (not any more), and want to keep me current. I have a Galaxy 4 with all the whistles and bells. A flip phone would pretty much still work for me. LOL
So here is what I think. You have a wonderful relationship with your neighbor/friend. My friend is not my neighbor, but lives 1.5 miles away. She LOVES buying and giving gifts and sending me post cards and pampering my sixteen grands. I let her! She enjoys it. I do not try to keep up. I give her very expensive gifts because I like too, and I do it once in a while because she NEVER gives herself anything of value and neither does her friends to whom she is always gifting. Frequently, she will tell me the same thing about my expensive gifts to her that I tell my kids "It is in the house. Not sure where I put it, but it is safe. When I find it, I will use it." We both laugh and move on. ENJOY the pen when you remember to use it. Otherwise, put it away and be thankful someone thought that much of you.
It's awesome to know that you have cultivated such a wonderful friendship in seven or eight years. My friend and I have been friends since 1972, and we still go through just what you described. I know what she is going to do. She knows what I am going to do. We laugh about it and move on.
My two cents. Thanks for sharing.
QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns
Hi Sonali: I can understand your ingratitude, sort of. Just get over it and thank your friend profoundly for the gift. Seems to me that the pleasure she got from giving you an unexpected expensive gift is worth more to her than money can buy.
My hang up would if if she expected quid pro quo? Then, I would feel pressured to give her something expensive (of equal or comparable value) when her birthday comes. But, from the way you explained it, she does not expect an equal return, therefore, you have no obligation to do so.
Enjoy using the crystalized pen. Yes, I'm envious. I want a pen like that. I want to show off how much my best friend think of me!
Mariska
I can relate with your spiritual struggle regarding your 'gift' (the crystal pen) for I, too, have struggled with my guilt over gifts that I neither wanted nor would ever use, but the 'giver' had felt impelled to give to me. I have come to realize that the gift-giving process is certainly more about the giver than the receiver. So, when I find myself in those situations now I simply thank the giver as genuinely as I possibly am able and let the subject rest. For, I have also learned that an unwanted gift is not worth damaging a lengthy friendship over. I will take the gift (usually a pen, journal book, paper pad, coffee mug, etc related to writing) and place it among other treasures that I have collected from other givers.
I have a shelf near my desk which I created precisely to display all my 'inappropriate' gifts from people whose friendships I cherish. On this shelf I have coffee mugs in which I have placed many 'un-needed' writing utensils; there are journals with beautifully designed covers standing upright in order to display the design; there are numerous quills with ink bottles (due to my moniker: The Feathered Pen); etc, etc.
The point here is, create a space for your 'unwanted' gifts where they each can be displayed -- mine have all been arranged in a chronological order of sorts in order to tell a story relating to the acquiring of them all. By doing this you will be honoring the gift-giver by showing them that their gift is so cherished that it deserves to be on display rather than used.
I have had many a gift-giver return to giving my things that I will actually use since then -- after all, who wants to give someone something that they believe is useful only to have the item go unused? This way you can get your point across without damaging your friendship. Hope this helps.
Just an Ordinary Boo!
Sonali, I don't agree that a gift should be about the giver at all - the best gift is one that is chosen to match the tastes and inclinations of the recipient. While I am not a supporter of gift registry and careful hinting about acceptable choices, in this cae you were specifically ASKED for options.
To then go ahead and buy you something outside both your comfort zone and value set it crass 'showing off'. I don't think there was any intent to meet you halfway, just choosing something you use did not make it personal or channel led towards your personal liking for writing as such. A pen is such a universal implement and kind of standard gift for birthdays, farewells etc.!!
I only resented the choice of the term 'real' for this gift, so that made those other (perhaps more enjoyable although inexpensive) gifts in the same fantasy category as as unreal numbers (square root of -2!)????? That was the only jarring note to me that screamed 'value clash'!
I have often faced flak because I make cards and gifts and they are regarded as 'cheap'! I spent 2 months making a Power Point montage of important details of my cousin's life, wrote out a 28 page commentary with pics to match, arranged a surprise ceremony on his 50th! He still hasn't read it! Now should I feel bad? Should he feel less that grateful that his expectations of some 'golden' gift did not materialise?
Should it affect the relationship? No. I just think that I wanted him to know he was loved and hoped he understood! I think he did.And you should too.
Love her despite her inability to understand what you needed or valued and tuck that pen away somewhere you can see it and be reminded that a friend cared enough to show you in her OWN way that she did. The fact that it was not YOUR way should not matter!
If you can love someone who cannot or does not gift you things, then surely it should apply to the one who gifts you the wrong thin? The gratitude is not for the GIFT, it never is, but for the feeling that led to it! Jyo
Ozer 
Shalom! You don't necessarily know how much your friendship means to your friend. Your gracious acceptance, and use, is a gift to her. Use it at home, where you are more comfortable using it, and use it for writing "thank you" notes.  Best. OB
cr8vwmn
I read your newsletter article and found it interesting.
I would like to pose an alternative response to the gift your friend gave you. She honors your gift of writing by raising the bar on the instrument you use to write. Perhaps when you are writing with that instrument you will value the writing gift you have. Perhaps you will value that your friend sees you as a writer and honors your skill; you will begin to see in that crystal pen that the gift you have been given really is something special; then after all she has brought you gratitude for the GIFT you are! |
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Spiritual: April 09, 2014 Issue [#6235]
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