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This week: Got Mail? Edited by: Sssssh! I'm not really here.  
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"The Farley Post Office is home to 'Operation Santa,' made famous in the classic film Miracle on 34th Street (1947), and it is the inspiration for the post office in Terry Pratchett's novel Going Postal (2004), with its "Glom of nit" legend. It also made an appearance in the 2016 video game Tom Clancy's The Division."
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"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." My patootie! 
Hello, folks! Welcome to another edition of the Comedy Newsletter. I am reporting from my Southern Command Center, in beautiful South Florida. I hope you enjoyed your holidays and are looking forward to a less complicated, not too dramatic, but all ‘round good feel, good luck and less worrisome New Year. I just thought it too simple to say “Have a Happy New Year.”
I know 2016 had its trials and tribulations for the Web-House and family. As I mentioned in my last newsletter, planning our great escape from the North to our Southern Comfort home had been less than issue-free.
Web-Lock got his shoulder surgery, and we were ready to head south one week after that. However, in between, the old money pit decided that I needed a little more drama before closing house for the winter. We started getting very cold when November started, and even saw it snow a couple times before we left. However, that’s not a problem when in a cozy warm home. A week before his surgery, my 7-year-old furnace cracked. Do you hear me? Only seven? Really? My old cast iron furnace was around for fifty-years before it gave up the ghost. New stuff doesn’t last. That’s the simple, commercial truth, folks. There’s no money in making appliances last long.
However, we did manage to heat the house with fireplaces and space heaters before deciding to leave it until later in the spring -- much, much later.
I’d love to say once arriving in Florida, all of the stresses were left behind. Not true, nope, nada, fuggettaboutit!
Twice a year I do a change of address card or do it electronically online, pay my buck and expect everything to end up where it’s supposed to be just as requested. Year after year I receive my forwarded mail with no issues. This year, I have had problem after problem trying to get my mail. Web-Lock’s mail delivery is perfect. Mine, although I did both change of address notices at the same time, seems to have evaded the system.
Before I left New England, I ordered several things I would need when I landed in Florida, but would not be able to gather until Ruby’s arrival, the day after Thanksgiving. I ordered coffee, and a coffee maker -- very important! It should have arrived by the day I arrived. My Honey Baked ham was waiting for me on my front steps, plus several other packages that were delivered by UPS. The coffee and coffee maker never showed up. When I tracked the package online, it showed it was delivered and left in a package locker box. When I asked the mail carrier where the key to the locker box was, she claimed she didn’t have it. I went to the P.O. with my tracking numbers and the supervisor agreed it was in a lock box, and I was guaranteed that the key would be in my mail box the next day. It wasn’t and neither regular mail carrier nor postal supervisor knew where the keys mysteriously went.
Have I ever told you folks how much I love Amazon Prime? Once I realized that my purchased property was not going to be reaching me anytime soon, I called their customer service, told them of my problems with a couple orders and they compensated me immediately. That meant my coffee maker was placed on expedited delivery and would reach me the next day. I asked what I should do if and ever the missing items I already ordered a couple weeks before, would show up. He said I just have to refuse delivery.
That’s it? That’s all there is to it? Yes, folks, there are still some businesses that run like well-oiled machinery -- and then there’s the Post Office.
Those missing items landed at my front door, almost four weeks after I originally ordered them. Of course, once I realized they were the missing items, easy to note due to the ripped and bruised condition of the boxes, I had to make a fourth trip to the Post Office to personally tell them I refuse delivery, since the mail carrier ran off as soon as she dropped the items at my door.
I really love standing in line, during Christmas rush-mailing, to return items that they mistakenly mishandled, misdelivered and mysteriously sent back North and therein, refused because my address is on file as down South. I paid a dollar to get it done online! Not only can they not get it right, they charge you just to make sure it’s really you changing your address ... yeah right, like they don’t really want to squeeze another dollar out of you. If it’s just for ID purposes, why not credit the dollar back once that’s established? Nope, they are digging in your pockets but want you to think it’s for your own protection. The federal government does think that way where our money is involved. I know, I know, it is not owned by the federal government, however, it is an "establishment of the executive branch of the Government of the United States." (39 U.S.C. § 201) And since it is the “executive branch," it is controlled by Presidential appointees and the Postmaster General. Yup, what’s the difference? It’s still running in the red year after year. 
However, I digress. The thing is, as of the writing of this newsletter, I am still awaiting a package that was ordered on November 28th. Perhaps it will arrive, bruised and manhandled, maybe even worn for a while by the time I write my next Newsletter. Just maybe ...
Have a wonderfully creative and prosperous New Year, folks!
2ee y0u nex1 yea7  (cuould yuo raed thsi?) Wow, you are one of 2% of the population who could read that line.  
For the rest of the 98% of you ... See you next year!
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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Marci Missing Everyone 
Great newsletter, WW! I thoroughly enjoyed hearing your adventures in travel prep. Glad your hubby made it through surgery, and I hope you enjoy your sunny Christmas. Since I live in SC, I kind of miss having a white Christmas. I haven't seen one in more than 25 years!
Thanks, Marci! The snow, yes, I totally understand missing the snow. I secretly wished for snow while still up North -- for about two snowfalls, then the furnace cracked!  Once I landed in Florida, I haven't thought about snow, since. It's great to be warm. 
Happy to know you came through your surgery and are home recuperating. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way. Have a wonderful New Year, Marci! 
Elfin Dragon-finally published 
I hope your poor plants have made it through their tortuous rides. I can just imagine those drug sniffing dogs wandering about Ruby wondering if your plants were some new drug.
The plants made it, and are thriving! I decided to UPS, them. A very smart decision on my part. I had nightmares over whether to send them with the car and thought better of that idea. The temperatures were really dropping by the time the transport carrier picked-up Ruby, so the poor plants would have been frozen. 
My son took some clippings for back0up purposes in case something went wrong with the shipping of them.
Happy New Year, Elfindragon!!!  
SB Musing 
I feel like I was totally deep in this battle to get to the South and warmer climates with you, Webbie.  Whoosh, that is a lot of stuff on the list to check off! And your poor plants... I totally saw you trying to smuggle them in your car and plant sniffing dogs finding them out. I hope they get safe and sound there as well as Ruby. I'm hoping you guys get to kick back and relax now!  I also despise the middle seat on planes so it's best to shoot for the aisle/window seat. The middle is just like sardine sandwich time.
Thankfully, I decided to wrap the plant's roots in a wet paper towel with a plastic covering, and then wrap the stems securely in newspaper, place them in a box and send them UPS. They arrived the day after I did, and were in perfect shape. Happy to report they are thriving, now!  Thank God I didn't send them via USPS. They would have bitten the dust for sure! 
Ruby made it to Florida without incident, too! 
Happy New Year, SB! 
Quick-Quill 
I love the way you put us into your life. I don't look into things. Hubby and I went shopping for Thanksgiving food. he had a list and we picked up cranberries, grapes and cream. he said it was for a salad he saw. I love that my husband is a great cook. Never thought anything of it. I was wiped out that night so went right to bed. He told me he was going to pick up our son from work. Then suddenly I felt a body next to mine and an arm came around me. "Hi Mom!" I thought it was my son, nope. Hubby used miles to buy my daughter in MN a ticket here for Thanksgiving. She's coming for Christmas too. I love surprises!! The salad stuff was for her salad. It was Cranberry fluff.
I'm so happy you enjoyed the newsie, Tina. It sounds like you had an extra special Thanksgiving. How sweet of your husband to plan to get your daughter there. And that salad sounds awesome!!!
Happy New Year! 
papadoc1
Yes Yes YES! Like the proverbial 65 yard field goal, the kick sailed through the uprights with a little more room to spare, and here we are, in the SUNSHINE State, warm as wool and enjoying all the accoutrements! Thank you sooooooo much, dear Webbie, for all the wonderful planning and execution that you put into action on my/our behalf! Loved your newsie story so very much, which was quite the Edition all to itself!!
Merry Christmas, beloved WW!  And a Happy New Year too!!!
I'm so happy it all went smoothly, from surgery to arrival in Florida. Now, if only I could get all my mail delivered here!
Happy New Year, sweet man!
LJPC - the tortoise
Hi WW! Wow, you're a determined bunch over there are at Chez Web. Rather than go through all that, I'm afraid I'd just settle in for the winter until WL healed. But I'm glad that you should be in FL by now, and I hope Ruby and the plants made it okay. Happy Holidays!!
~ Laura
Settling-in for the winter was not an option. My furnace cracked and there's only so much heat output from a fireplace.  Now, I don't have to worry about that until late spring, when I don't need heat, and repair people aren't in such demand. So happy to be in the tropics, right now.
Happy New Year, Laura! 
Thanks for the feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
Have a happy and healthy New Year!
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Comedy: December 28, 2016 Issue [#8043]
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