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This week: On Loss Edited by: Kit of House Lannister  
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Coping with a loss is difficult. It can become even more difficult when others want you to mourn that loss in a way that you are not comfortable with...
This week's Drama Newsletter is all about death, and its effects on the surviving.
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Death. It's a common topic. Even in a newsletter like this, because Drama readers, and Drama authors are no strangers to dealing with loss.
Death is chilling, and for those who have lost a family member, or friend, or a pet, it introduces a great big roller coaster of emotions. It is a heavy weight that can only be lifted over time, and often with great difficulty.
At the time I write this newsletter, I have just had to put my cat to sleep. And over the past couple of years I have lost several family members and friends. That will explain why loss is at the forefront of my mind. I won't share with you their stories, but events like this highlight the pressures upon the surviving, and how everyone deals with them in a different way.
When you lose someone, people will want to help you, comfort you, but it isn’t that easy to know what to do. I have been in that position as well, trying to help and comfort others experiencing a loss. The problem is that there is not a whole lot that can be done to lift that weight. At most you can take over household chores, hug them, be there when they need to talk, respect when they require solitude. Grief hits everyone in different ways, and they may be experiencing a wide range of emotions, from pure sadness to anger.
In a village, everyone wants to pay their respects, whilst the family does not necessarily want to talk about it with lots of other people. When every time they set foot outside the door someone wants to bring it up – which is natural – it is also natural that the grieving hide inside their comfort zone, unable to cope.
The biggest source of pressure is the funeral. That includes the arrangements as well as the expectation of attendance. I remember when I was a teenager, and my stepfather's mother had passed away. I did not want to see the body. I wanted to keep her in my mind the way she was when she was alive, instead of adding the image of her in her coffin, as peaceful as she may have looked.
I remember being urged to “pay my respects”, to “say goodbye”. People told me that it would help me find closure. Others told me that it was the done thing, and that it would not show respect if I refused. Teenager or not, disrespect or not, I stood my ground, and I have not changed my mind to this day. I feel exactly the same as I did then. Sometimes people understand, but I am certain that this pressure will resurface at some point in the future, because it's a sad fact that the older you get, the more people you know and love will pass away.
Then there is the funeral itself. All the arguments about paying respects, saying goodbye and finding closure are brought up when it comes to funerals, whilst it's often completely ignored that people are different, and what is helpful for one, has the opposite effect on others.
There is so much pressure to attend a funeral that some people feel they have to go, not out of their love for the person who has passed away – though that love is very much there - but because if they don't, others will be angry and upset with them. And that's not good.
I was unable to attend the funerals of some people I have lost over recent years, because of distance, but when a funeral was held locally, you bet that I had to sit through all the common arguments. I have been told many a time that if you don’t go, you will regret it. But I never have. I feel that it is perfectly possible to pay your respects and say your goodbyes in your own, personal way.
Love is personal. Loss is personal. Everyone has to find their own peace.
When a death has occurred, it's difficult enough for people without external pressures and expectations. Whilst for some, certain rituals may assist their healing, for others, it will have the opposite effect. Would it not be kinder to respect this?
Kit of House Lannister
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Judging is taking currently taking place over at "The Quills" [ASR]. Here are some of the nominees in the Drama/Emotional genre:
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Drama: March 15, 2017 Issue [#8182]
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