This week: Keep Yourself Safe Edited by: Kit of House Lannister  
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It is a sad truth that relationships - be they friendships, family or romantic relationships - can be unhealthy.
This week's Drama Newsletter discusses some signs that all's not well.
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I’m going to tackle a very serious subject today. Perhaps it’s too heavy a subject for a newsletter, but this is the Drama newsletter, and Drama often highlights the darker aspects of humanity. I also feel that it’s important to speak about these things, as many people, each and every day, all around the world are a victim of this.
I’m going to talk about abuse.
The subject has been on my mind since a friend of mine has been subjected to relentless online abuse lately, to the point where even a journalist joined in, building her up to be a hate figure by using the powers of published media. My friend is a single mother, in a vulnerable position, and she’s now been chased off any and all social media. All she’d ever done is discuss safeguarding in the context of austerity and other political issues – something she is an expert in – as well as the law and the interconnection of various institutions subject to law and policy. She isn’t a politician, nor a public figure: her YouTube channel only had 100 – 200 views per video. Yet, some powerful and unpleasant individuals thought it fit to target her. Writing.Com is a very safe website in my experience, but out there, on social media sites, it can be very unsafe indeed.
I have experienced that for myself in the past. There was a time when I wrote articles for publication and participated in some national and international radio shows, and I soon began to receive some very serious threats. The same happened when I played online games. In one game, I was one of only three women on the entire server of thousands of gamers. When I was a complete newbie, clueless about what I was doing, it was okay. I received some misogynistic jokes, but I could deal with that. The better I got, however, the nastier some of the other players got, until I received daily messages filled with hate and various threats, and there were coordinated efforts to chase me off the server. In the end, they succeeded. I played games for fun, not to be on the receiving end of that.
Abuse can come at you from complete strangers, but also from family, friends, and partners. I thought that I would highlight some signs that the person you’re dealing with is not as kind, or safe, as they’re making themselves out to be.
Negging
Negging is a tactic used to gain the upper hand in a relationship. It’s designed to undermine your self-esteem and increase the recipient’s need for the negger’s approval. Negging can be used during flirting. For example:
“For a fat girl you’re actually quite pretty.”
It can be used during relationships:
“You look so much better with your make-up on.”
The above two comments are aimed at women, but women can be neggers too.
Be aware of people who compare you to their ex-partners:
“My ex was so much more beautiful/handsome/skilled/accomplished than you. Why don’t you lose weight/do better at this/do this thing you don’t want to do for me - they would have.” And so on, and so forth.
Negging is a form of emotional manipulation. Don’t fall for it. Don’t put up with it.
Gaslighting
This is another tactic used by abusive people to gain power and control over you. It’s a deeply nasty and dangerous tactic, as it makes you question reality.
Your partner/family member/friend might tell you a lie. You know it’s a lie. Yet they’ll work on you for so long that you begin to doubt yourself, and the truth.
They’ll deny that they did something you know they did. Again, they’ll wear you down and make you question that it ever happened.
They’ll make you question yourself. When you think you’ve done something nice or good, they’ll undermine it. When you’ve accomplished something big and important to you, they’ll minimise it. If bad things have happened to you, they’ll make you wonder if you deserved it. They’ll make you feel that you’d be a better person, and a more worthy partner, relative or friend if only you didn’t have this increasing list of negative traits...
Gaslighting will wear you out over time. You’ll end up confused, and dependent upon that person and their approval. They know this. That’s the aim.
They might also isolate you from your support network – convince you they are the liars, they are the bad people – or turn your support network against you.
They’ll do something nice once in a while. Say nice things. That’ll make you question yourself and the situation even more – maybe you really are the bad one.
You’re not. You’re in an unhealthy relationship. Time to get out.
You’re walking on eggshells
Someone might have been really great at first. Kind, charming... and you had so much in common! All was wonderful, right up until the point when they snapped, and it was terrible, and now you’re feeling increasingly cautious of what you say and do, as you don’t want to set them off again...
Everyone has bad days. Everyone can get into a mood. We all might say something we don’t actually mean in the heat of the moment. There is a difference between that, though, and subjecting someone to a torrent of nastiness, or giving them the silent treatment for days on end, or generally making them feel cautious around you.
If you’re constantly trying to feel out someone’s mood and adjust yourself and your behaviour to that mood, feeling relief that today seems to be a "good" day but being acutely aware that this can change at any moment - if your relationship and your behaviour revolves around the other person’s mood because of your fear of those moments he or she will snap again and things will get deeply unpleasant – something’s not right. That is not what a healthy relationship’s like.
The general themes in the above examples of abuse are the undermining of who you are, and the other person attempting to exert power and control over you. A healthy relationship is one in which both people are equals. One in which you don’t have to constantly question yourself, in which you don’t feel that heavy responsibility of trying to manage their behaviour, towards you and towards others.
You are not responsible for someone else’s actions. It’s important to remember that. It’s also important to remember that a boundary is not a negotiation – you are allowed to say no.
That’s something that my friend told me once – if you want to know what someone’s really like, tell them no. See what happens. It’s served me surprisingly (and depressingly) well since.
Be safe.
Kit of House Lannister
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Drama: November 21, 2018 Issue [#9236]
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