Everything I Want (chapters 1-2)

Queen of Hearts

In life we’ve all been dealt a certain hand of cards, like a game of poker, it is purely luck of the draw as to what cards we end up with. Some hands are better than others, and often end with a good game and the ones with the less than optimal cards learn to deal with what they’ve been given. In the game though, we have choices to make, choices that affect whether you win or lose. You have to be able to make the right decision, the right move; otherwise you could lose everything you have in one fell swoop. Yet sometimes that one move is all it takes to win it all. When all is said and done, at the end of the game it isn’t so much about the initial winning of the thousands of dollars in a game of poker, it’s the pride you take away from making wise choices and playing fairly. You’re only cheating yourself if you cheat to win, taking shortcuts to be on top. Maybe for that one moment in time you feel good about that decision you made to deceive yourself of other opportunities, but as life goes on, it comes back in as regret- a choice you wish you’d never made.

As great as it is to live in the moment, sometimes you really have to look at the future. One false move now could be the worst mistake you’ve ever made. In poker, it’s all about the choices you make; they can make or break your game, your life. It’s about knowing when to hold them or fold them, knowing when to walk away when you know the game is going to end badly. But then there are the times when we feel tempted to take a risk, even if we know it’s wrong. We want to feel that adrenaline rush that comes with taking a chance, even it means losing something we love dearly. Clearly, it seems selfish, to only think of what we want, but we must remember that in order for others to be happy, we need to be content with ourselves. So with these cards we’ve been given, it’s really just a matter of what we do with them. Whether it’s playing a game or holding them for safe keeping, it’s just about choice. When life gives you lemons, you don’t have to make lemonade; you could trade them for apples and make a pie.

Ever since I moved to New York I knew things would be different. Even at a young age, I had a choice to make- I could continue to live my life the same as I always had, or become a completely different person and give up my whole life to fit in with the New York crowd, even if I didn’t recognize my own reflection when I looked in the mirror. I didn’t make this choice the instant I moved, but rather when I realized that who I was mattered to other people. It was an opportunity to trade my joker card for the queen of hearts; this would be sure-fire way I wouldn’t get labeled as the ‘farm girl from New Hampshire.’
________________________

The summer before my senior year was less than twenty-four hours away. The clock was ticking away the minutes until that final bell rang. It was the summer that was most looked forward to by students since it meant one year closer to being done with school forever, unless of course you went to college. I squirmed in my seat at the overwhelming anticipation of summer vacation, unable to focus on her schoolwork. I dreamed of attending only the most fabulous summer parties, sleeping until past noon every day, and just not having to worry about anything. As my mind wandered through the endless list of possibilities, one thing in particular struck me. A memory was brought to life and flashed across my mind like an old film projector. I tried to shake it, but it clung like glue. It was so painful for me relive; it was my worst end of school experience of ever.

When I was in eighth grade, I was chosen to give her speech on “Graduation Day.” I didn’t think of myself as much of a speech writing person, but every English class in my grade was required to write one. The teachers would read them and then choose the best essay, and that one would be read at the graduation assembly; the chosen one happened to be mine. I didn’t love the idea of the speech per se, but the idea that all eyes would be on me. I constantly hungered for that extra attention, and with that lucky touch of mine, it magically fell into my hands. Emily, my best friend, became angry at the fact that it was just another event in which I had gotten her way. Her first thought was that my mother, whom anyone and everyone know, pulled a few strings for me since my mother was just that big of a deal. It wasn’t that Emily was jealous of me; she was just upset because it wasn’t her up there speaking when her speech was clearly better than mine.

The day of the assembly approached fast; the entire eighth grade in a whirlwind of chaos trying to wrap up their final middle school days and prepare for their new life ahead in high school. I was beyond ecstatic that my mother was going to attend the ceremony and listen to my speech. My mother didn’t often attend school sanctioned events or anything, so to me this was an honor. I had never felt so alive and so cared about in such a long time, my body pulsed with excitement. “Yeah, Carrie, I’m coming. Make sure you have them reserve a seat for me, okay,” she smiled, “I can’t wait to hear your speech.” Her words echoed over and over again inside my mind, my heart swelling with pride. When the day finally came, I could barely contain my anticipation. I was giving the graduation speech, my mother was coming and I was going to high school in the fall and everyone would be looking at me and would remember me for years to come.


“And now we’d like to present our speaker, Caroline Coleman, of the eighth grade class of 2005!” cheered Dr. Kent, head principal of Liberty Middle School. The audience gave a thunderous applause as Carrie stood up, grinning ear to ear. Head held up high, I walked to the podium and settled myself behind it. I surrendered my personal needs and flaws so my mother would have someone to be proud of. Today was my day to shine, and no clouds would rain on my glorious parade. I cleared my throat and began speaking, my eyes scanning the crowd in search of her mother, my voice slowly trailing off as I looked. Returning my eyes to my note cards I regained my steady voice. I couldn’t lose it with all these people watching me…I had to stay strong; I had an image to maintain. I looked up again; my mother had to be there. I saw Emily Lawrence, my best friend, Glenn Andrews, my “boyfriend”, and then I saw the most horrifying sight, the emptiness piercing my eyes like needles, it was the seat reserved for my mother. In plain sight I could see a note card taped to a metal folding chair with Vera Coleman written in red Sharpie marker; but the chair was empty.


I shook my head and continued my speech, locking my eyes on the back of the room hoping my mother had just come in late and was standing in the back, listening to me like she promised she would. No one was back there. I tried to continue speaking, but I stopped suddenly, like a huge rush of cold air had frozen me on the spot. I opened my mouth again, but all that came out were gasps of air. I kept choking back tears, trying to desperately abstain from crying in front of the audience. It was no use. I gave up on fighting my emotions and threw the note cards to ground, running for the hallway, tears spilling down my cheeks. It might not seem that important, but to me it meant the world. It was the first thing I could remember my mother promising to be there for me, but since she didn’t come, it felt like someone ripped out my heart and stomped on it, laughing evilly as they did so. Why must life be so cruel?


“Thank you Caroline, for enlightening us all,” Dr. Kent said, diverting my great escape, “and now we’ll conclude the ceremony with a song sung by the choir accompanied by the band and orchestra. But first, I would like to thank everyone for coming and helping us celebrate such a momentous occasion. You have no idea how much you contribute to every aspect of these kids’- I mean young adults’ lives…”


Moments later, Glenn, my super popular boyfriend came running after me, brushing rudely through the rows of people to follow me into the hallway.


“Carrie, what happened? Are you okay?” he asked, embracing me in a hug. I waited a few minutes before responding, I just wanted to cry. I wanted someone to hold me and pay attention to me, and to fathom the idea of love, a feeling that barely existed in my life.


I regained my composure, “No. My mom didn’t come. The seat was empty.” My eyes filled
with fresh tears.


He was silent, not knowing what to say, but wanting to say something, but all he could think of was “Why didn’t she come?”


I sniffled, “She lied, that’s why. She promised she would come. She wanted to come and be like all the other parents, but she lied. All she really cared about was work. That’s all she ever cares about.”


Glenn took his thumb and wiped away the tears and mascara from under my eyes, “If it makes you feel any better, my parents said I could bring you to lunch after the ceremony.” His voice was calm, but not convincingly sincere. He was more in love with the idea of having a girlfriend, at the expense of his popular status in school rather than because he was truly interested in her.


“Thanks,” I said quietly, the corners of my mouth curled up slightly forming a faint smile, “but that still doesn’t change that she didn’t come.”


“I know,” he said, pushing back my tangled hair.


“Carrie, Carrie! Caroline Coleman, would you please pay attention. This is not the time to be daydreaming. Vacation has not started yet, so you need to keep your head in the game. This final is important if you want to pass this class,” Mr. Block warned, slapping his pointer stick on her desk. Carrie lifted her head from her palm and turned her attention to her cranky, uptight teacher. It was about ninety degrees in his classroom, but he was still wearing his ridiculous two-piece suit and his candy cane striped tie. He shifted uncomfortably, adjusting his tie so it wasn’t choking him and pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Sorry Mr. Block, I was just thinking about…”

“I don’t want to hear about Miss Coleman, I just want you to pay attention so you know what to do on tomorrow’s test.” He turned his head and went back to writing on the board about the final. Carrie rolled her eyes and went back to staring out the window. She already did well on her ACT test, so why make finals such a big deal?
I was nine when my parents divorced. My dad moved across country to Oregon while I live here in New York City with my mom. When my family was still together, they owned a small cottage in upstate New Hampshire. When my parents divorced, my mother relocated me and my older sister Lorraine to live in a ritzy pent-house apartment heart of New York City. It was a major change in scenery from small town to big city, woods to concrete jungle; so for me it was hard to make adjustments. As for my father, he was able to keep some of the old family life with him by moving to a small town on the coast of Oregon. In a way, I wished that I could have lived with my father, so that way maybe things now would be different.

On the contrary, this arrangement happened to work out well for my mother. Because of the divorce, my mother was able to find a new job in the fast paced world of business, and was able to work her way to the top in record time. Her newfound workaholic ethic became her way of repressing the past she wished never to be reminded of. That being said, she is obsessed with her job. She’ll take any overtime and business trips faster than you can say, “I love you, mom.” There’s not a moment that goes by that she’s not doing something related to work, and couldn’t spare a breath. To her I came in second to her job. My attempts in trying to converse with my mother almost always ended in failure. “Hey, mom, got a minute?” she would ask, and my mother’s response was something along the lines of “I’ll give you anything you want if you leave. I’m busy Carrie, very busy.” It’s strange to think that we can live in the same house, but act like complete strangers.

“Miss Coleman, didn’t I just tell you to pay attention? This final is very crucial to what grade you end up with in my class. Do you want to receive an automatic zero right now?”

I shook her head slowly, “No. I’m sorry Mr. Block, I’ll pay attention.”

“Good. That’s what I want to hear. Or else the next time I have to tell you I will send you to Dr. Pinckney’s office,” he huffed and he returned back to the white board to wrap the notes. “Now remember, to pass this class you need a seventy percent or better on this exam. The test is worth two hundred points, so study hard. Oh, there’s the bell, see you all tomorrow. Have a good evening.”

I gathered up her bag and headed for my locker before I left to walk home. I dashed out of his room so quickly; you’d think it was on fire. Well, wasn’t it? A ferocious tidal wave of impatience washed over me, I needed summer to come this instant. Why couldn’t I snap my fingers, and just like magic it’d be here. As I walked out of the classroom, I was stopped by a ‘mysterious’ figure.

“Guess who?” a voice from behind asked, covering my eyes with their hands.
I turned around and smiled, “Hey Glenn.”

“So,” he said, “are you doing anything tonight?” He leaned his forearm against the adjacent locker.

I closed my locker, “That depends. What do you have in mind?”

He moved his face closer to mine, “I was thinking about seeing a movie, walking around town and seeing what kind of trouble we can get in, or maybe just a little of this…” he said, as he closed his lips on mine. I dropped my bag as I let his muscular football arms encircle my slender waist and pulling me tight against him. My hands made their way up to the back of his neck without breaking the kiss while my fingers wound in his silky, brown curls, deepening the kiss as I did so. His hands clung along my hips and the back of my thighs as he squeezed them tight. He turned me around so my back was against the wall and kissed harder. I couldn’t help but get lost within this. Minutes later my instincts kicked in and I opened my eyes. I slowly moved backwards, releasing his grip that entangled me, catching my breath as our lips unlocked.


“Glenn, you know I’d love to, but I have to study for Mr. Block’s math finals.” I looked sadly into his eyes and rested my head on his chest and sighed.

“Right. I should probably study too. How about tomorrow? ” he asked, pressing his lips against mine.

I kissed him quickly, “Yeah sounds great. Walk me home?”

He smirked, “I would, but I have football practice. I’ve got to get in shape if I want to be on Varsity again . ” I rolled her eyes and headed outside.

I breathed a gulp of fresh air as I walked down the Street, the heels of my shoes clicking against the gray cement sidewalk, the sound slowly blending in with the rest of the city noise. Cabs and cars trudged by, the rush hour never ceased. They were slowly inching forward, trying to speed up the jam that would never get unstuck. I didn’t exactly look forward to going home, but where else was I to go? I missed my house back in New Hampshire, it was small, cozy and it made me feel close to my family and friends; but I had been plucked from that happiness and dropped into an unfriendly environment which ultimately changed my entire image and attitude. My mother had to buy the biggest and most expensive apartment they had to offer, but she didn’t have the time to appreciate it. No matter how many objects of value were in the pent-house, it still felt empty and unwelcoming. Was she actually trying to buy me my happiness?
The doorman tipped his hat and opened the door for me and I headed for the elevator, riding to my suite on the 12th floor. At least I could overlook the city scenery . The suite is usually dark when I’m home since my mother is either working at the office or on a business trip. When she is at home, she’s always on her cell barely stopping to breathe. It’s just another way she tries to avoid what’s really bothering her, which eventually caught onto me as I grew older . She never neglects her work, but I feel like a piece of ugly furniture that is left in some corner to collect dust and never be used. To make up for her absence and lack of spending time with me, she gives me whatever I wants to keep me happy, assuming that’s what I want.

I exited the elevator and walked down the hall to my room and entered. I dropped my bag onto the table next to the door and bent down to take out my folder and book to study and walked into the living room only to find my mother on her cell, taking care of important business matters. I brushed passed her and went to my room closing the door behind me. I opened the shades and sprawled out onto my bed and kicked off my shoes. Opening my folder I pulled out a review sheet explaining what was to be on the exam and began reading. An hour and a half passed and I could still hear through the door that my mother was still on the phone. As soon as it hit five o’ clock I heard the phone click shut and hit the coffee table, and my mother let out a loud sigh of relief as well as exhaustion. The sound of heels echoed through the house as my mother wandered into the kitchen. The refrigerator and freezer doors were opened and slammed shut and the clicking heels went back into the living room.


“Carrie!” my mother called, “I’m going out for dinner, do you want to come?”
I rolled off my bed in disbelief; did my mother just ask me to come to dinner with her? I didn’t even know my mother knew I was home. The thought made me unbelievably excited. “Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute!” I changed my shirt and raced out to the front door, eager to finally spend that long waited, almost ‘quality time’ with my mother. Although it meant everything to me, who was extremely thrilled, to my mother it just meant- well, it was hard to tell if meant anything more than the obvious; to eat dinner. It was quiet the elevator ride down, the cab ride to the restaurant and still by the time we sat down at a table and ordered. Unable to contain myself any longer, I finally spoke.
“So, mom, how have you been? It feels like I haven’t seen or talked to you in forever.”
My mother picked up her glass of iced tea and took a sip, prolonging answering a non-threatening question, which to her was a somewhat uncomfortable conversation she found herself in with her own daughter. She smiled a fake smile to me, flashing her perfectly white teeth, trying desperately to show interest in small talk with family, but god, was it difficult. “Fine. Busy, but fine,” was all she could manage. She reached for her glass again, swished her straw around in aimless circles and took another sip. Family just wasn’t her thing anymore. She’s spent the last nine years trying to avoid it.

I nodded, “Oh.”

My mother plucked a piece of bread off her roll, “How about you?”

“Fine, I guess. You know I get out tomorrow for summer vacation.” She grabbed a roll out of the basket and took a bite.

“Summer break already? What are you going to do all that time?” She took another sip of her iced tea.

I swallowed my piece of bread, “I don’t know yet. Tomorrow I’m going out with Glenn.”
My mother looked anxiously at her watch; she fiddled when she was nervous, “Oh. I didn’t know you were still together.”

“Yeah, it’s been almost two years.” Silence became an iron curtain as the waiter placed their meals in front of us. We both began at first picking at our food and slowly, very slowly forcing ourselves to eat.

“So, mom, anything else new?” I asked, after a portion of my food was eaten, very hopeful that I could have a moment with my mother in spite of everything.
My mother took a long pause as she searched for something to say, “Well, I did get a promotion at work, so now I’m the chief executor…” she trailed off and she reached down into her pocket for her phone that was annoyingly vibrating. “What is it now?” she barked into the receiver. “For the love of God, I thought we worked this out.” “Do you have any idea what that would do to our business?” She continued to yell into the phone as she got up to go outside to settle the problem, leaving me all alone.

Before she left, she pulled out her credit card and handed it to me, “I need to take care of this,” she gestured to her phone, “take care of the bill.”

“Do you want me to take your food home?”

My mother covered the mouth piece of her phone, “No. I’m not hungry anymore. I’ll just eat whatever’s at home.”

“There’s nothing at home. I thought that’s why we came here,” I looked at my mother pathetically, completely confused at this whole situation.

“I don’t have time for this, Carrie, just pay the bill and I’ll take care of myself. What can I give you to leave me alone?”

“Okay. Fine. If you’re going to stay here, can I at least have money to call a cab?” I said almost inaudibly, still staring at my plate.

Irritated, my mother pulled out a few crinkled bills and put them on the table, “Yeah, whatever. Happy now?” I nodded sullenly as I watched my mother leave the restaurant to stand outside to talk. It was crazy for me to think that me and her mother would actually spend time together; when had it actually happened before? I glared at her through the window as a single tear fell from my blue eye; just wishing things about me and my mother had never changed. I paid for the food and called for a cab. I opened the door to the car and looked back at the woman on the phone, “Mom, are you coming?”
“I’m busy!” she shouted at her, “I thought I told you I’ll meet you at home later.”

“Fine,” I mumbled as I closed the door. The cab sped away and the buildings and lights slowly became one long smear of city nightlife. Out the back window I could still see my mother on the phone and now walking away, her figure becoming a distant image of the city. I wiped my eyes again as the tears began to fall at a more rapid pace. I leaned my head against the window as the cab sped away and sighed heavily, wiping my face that was covered in hopelessness and despair.



Lonely Heart

After a grueling and pain-staking last final exam of the semester, school was finally through. I ran out of Mr. Block’s room, fervent to find my best friend Emily Lawrence, the only other person besides Glenn that I knew she could count on. Emily has been my best friend since I moved here in fourth grade from upstate New Hampshire. Since I was still going through the stress of my parents’ divorce, when I moved it was difficult for me to make friends. I was very shy and was hesitant on trusting anyone at that moment. I didn’t know how I was going to fit in, here in New York. I came from a small town in the country; New York was a whole new territory. For a while I sat alone and focused on solitary activities, but the one day I remember most vividly was the day I met Emily.

I had been sitting alone on the swings one day at recess; my head staring down at my scuffed shoes and my spindly legs and crying because my life was such a mess. Emily had been jumping rope with her group of friends and happened to be looking in my direction. She stopped in mid-jump and sprinted over to see if I was okay. Emily knew that I was going through a rough patch, but wasn’t exactly sure how she could make me feel better. But in that moment, she was so taken back by my emotions and pain that she knew in heart at least if she made an effort to comfort me, things wouldn’t be so bad. Emily was all about helping others and being a good person, it was in her blood. It pained her so see others battle misery, so it made her feel special to give me a shoulder to cry on. That was when Emily was nine. That was when life was simple, and a hug and smile could cure just about anything. From that day on, they were best friends.

“Hey you, what’s up?” I asked, giving Emily a hug.

“Not much. Hey, I have to talk to you about something,” she answered.

“Yeah, sure. What is it?”

She looked at me sternly, “I’ll tell you when we get to your house.” “Come on, let’s go.”

I eyed her inquisitively, “Okay. I guess I can wait.”
___________________

I closed the door to my room and sat on the edge of my bed and Emily sat next to me. “So, what is it that you wanted to tell me that you couldn’t tell me at school?”

Emily turned to face me, “The thing is… oh, how can I put this…Glenn is going to break up with you- tonight.”

I stared at her and laughed, “No, seriously.”

“Carrie, I’m totally serious. Glenn is going to break up with you.”

My mouth twisted and tightened like she had just sucked on a lemon wedge, taking in her words like a big pill “What? Why? Tonight?”

Emily nodded, “Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“Did he say why?”

“Not exactly. What I heard was that he thinks that you’re selfish, arrogant and shallow.” Emily bit her lip and waited for me to respond, but what she told me was only the half of it. I knew that people broke up all the time, but not with me. I didn’t want to deal with a break up now; I thought Glenn and I were on good terms.

“Is that what he thinks? He thinks I’m selfish and shallow? How did he come to that conclusion? Was the whole relationship a joke?” So many questions were racing through my mind; I thought my head might explode.

“That’s all I heard though. It could just be gossip. After all, New York is like, the capitol of gossip and scandal,” Emily suggested. She was trying her best to stay optimistic.

My face turned pale and my voice lacked enthusiasm, “Oh, right.”

Emily rested her hand on my shoulder, “Hey, if things don’t end up working out, you know you can call me any time tonight and I’ll be here with ice cream and chocolate and a movie.”

“Thanks, Em. You know you’re the best.” I fell backwards onto my bed and closed my eyes. Could things get worse?

“I just need you to tell me what kind of ice cream you want me to buy you.”

“Strawberry.” There was an awkward moment of silence.

Emily sighed, “Not to make things worse, but did I tell you I’m going away for the summer?”

“No.” I tried to brush off the feeling of being completely deserted to be excited for my best friend, but it only made her feel more awful. I knew I had other friends to hang out with, but I liked Emily the most.

“I’m not leaving until next week, but my parents and I are flying to Europe and we’re going to stay there for a month, maybe even two!” she cheered, temporarily forgetting how miserable I felt.

“You’re going to Europe?” my voice trembled, “You’re leaving me?”

“I’m sorry, Carrie. I wish I could take you with me, but my parents made reservations months ago and I can’t just ask them last minute for you to come with. I’m really sorry.” I knew that Emily was solely sorry, but couldn’t she see that I needed her.

“There’s nothing for me to do here. I’m just going to sit in my room and wither away in here until school starts,” My tone thick with drama and angst. I was about to note that I could go to all those parties I dreamt of, but I wanted to keep Emily’s sympathy. “I wish I had your life.”

Emily shook her head, “No you don’t.” “Carrie, you know if I could I would totally bring you with, but like I told you I can’t. I’m not leaving yet, so if you want to do something before then, I’m all for it.”

“I guess that would be okay.”

“By the way, when is Glenn coming to pick you up?” Emily inquired.

“Seven. It’s only two o’ clock now.”

“If you want, I can start by staying and helping you get ready for your date. He’ll take one look at you and forget all about why he wanted to break up. It would make me feel terrible if you were all alone while I’m in Europe; I’d only be thinking of you.”

“Yeah. That would be fine. Hey, you don’t have to constantly think of me, I still want you to have fun while you’re on vacation.”
_________________________

“I would like to present the gorgeous, very elegant, and incredibly sexy- Carrie Coleman!” Emily announced as I came out of my room. Tonight, I felt beautiful, but not for the right reason, but I had to do what I had to do. I had to keep Glenn. It was like she was only dressing like this so I could keep what I want. This would be the selfish part Emily was mentioned earlier. But if it meant not being lonely and unhappy, I was willing to do anything. I was wearing a red dress with black lace along the straps, the waist and the neckline area. A diamond necklace was carefully placed on my neck and tiny diamond stud earrings to complement. Emily helped her turn my mess of flaxen blonde tresses to cascades of curls everywhere. My makeup was applied absolutely perfectly. The black stiletto heels were the final touch to perfection. Lastly, Emily draped a black shawl around my shoulders to top off the entire outfit. It only took two hours to get ready, but beauty can’t be rushed.

“Carrie, you look way more than amazing,” Emily admired, “Glenn won’t have the heart to dump you.”

“Hey come on, you did help, I’ll give you that credit. But I have to admit, I do look amazing don’t I?” I twirled my dress, “Do you really think this will work?” I flashed a sly smile. Emily rolled her eyes at my egotistical attitude.

We both turned at the sound of the loud knocking on the door.

“Coming!” I called as I shuffled towards the door.

“Remember, I want full detail of everything that happened!”

“I know. I’ll call you,” I called back.

“Hey, Glenn, how are you?” His head was tilted down and he was muttering something to himself, probably trying to figure out what his next move was going to be.

“Oh, Carrie, hi. These are for you,” he said, handing a bouquet of orchids to me.

“Thanks, Glenn, they’re beautiful.” I pressed my face into the flowers and inhaled the sweet scent and then set them aside on the table beside the door. “Ready to go?”

“And I guess I’ll be leaving, seeing that I’m now completely useless. Remember, Carrie, call me later!” Emily squeezed past Glenn and went home.

“So, where are we going tonight?”

Glenn pretended to not hear, “Huh? Oh, I thought we’d take a walk in Central Park,” he paused, “But with you dressed like that, maybe the park was a bad idea.” I was completely confused, Glenn would never take me for a walk in the park, it was completely unlike him.

“What’s wrong with how I’m dressed?” My voice was concerned. I looked at Glenn, who was dressed very casual in jeans and button-down shirt and then I looked down at my red dress. “Or we could just skip the park and go to a club instead,” I joked, but quickly switched to a more serious tone realizing he wasn’t finding my humor funny. “I could change if you want.”

“No. You don’t have to do that. Let’s just go.” He was trying very hard not to sound irritated, but he failed.

He gently took hold of my hand and we were off to Central Park. His hand was stone-like, heavy, unforgiving and uncomfortable. It was silent the whole walk there until Glenn stopped us right before we entered the park. “I’m sorry that I snapped at you earlier about your dress.” His voice was sincere as it could get for someone who was going to break up with his girlfriend of almost two years.

“It’s fine. I’m used to my mom losing her cool at me all the time, only she doesn’t apologize,” she said softly. We entered the park and walked around for a while and then stopped in front of the fountain to admire it at nighttime. The sky was a beautiful iridescent array of colors, making the scene very romantic. Not that breaking up was supposed to be romantic, but still. Without thinking, Glenn turned his face towards mine and kissed me. Surprised, I kissed back, slowly trying to deepen the kiss, but was stopped.

Glenn pulled away abruptly, realizing this what not part of the plan, “Carrie, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about, and I don’t know how to say it, because it’s not that easy to say.” This time, when he said it he looked my directly in the eyes. He touched my hand, but it felt foreign and disconcerted. I felt frozen and isolated; was he really going to leave me? I couldn’t bear losing another person in my life.

I gulped, “Yeah, what is it?” I put on my invisible bullet-proof shield to deflect what statement was about to be fired.

“Carrie, I want to break up with you,” he let go of my hands and took a deep breath. My shield failed me miserably, the bullet hitting me hard with a painful force, my heart now punctured and I was bleeding love. I may as well have died right there. Short, sweet and to the point is always the easiest way, isn’t it?

I wiped my eyes that were tearing up, “Why?” My throat seemed to close and no words came out. There were too many to describe what I felt that second.

“It’s complicated. It’s nothing personal though,” he answered, rubbing the back of his neck. I couldn’t believe he was lying to me. My tearing eyes danced with flames.

“I can’t believe you’re going to tell me that! You were going to break up with me because you said my personality was all wrong for you. I think that counts as personal.” I was enraged now, and everything I was feeling was forcing its way out of me, like play-dough through an extruder.

“Who told you that?” His voice was small and timid.

“Emily.”

“Look, I’m real sorry, it’s just that I’m tired of hearing my friends complain about how much they hate you when I said that I was going out with you instead of hanging out with them, yet again for the billionth time. They can’t get over the fact that I stayed with you for so long when there are a million other girls to date , and they said they won’t be my friends or talk to me anymore so…” he rambled.

“So you don’t want to go out with me anymore because of what your ‘buddies’ are saying. You’re actually going to listen to them? You’d rather have those idiots as friends than me? I can’t believe you’re choosing them! You don’t have to give into peer pressure!”

“If you want my complete honest opinion, everything they said was true. At first I defended you at their remarks and tried not to believe it was the truth, but I had to face the fact that they were right…and I didn’t want to lose my friends, they’re like brothers. Besides, this whole relationship thing between us was getting kind of old.”

“You want to know what people say about you?” I cried, “They say you’re another stuck up jock that only cares about where he stands on the social ladder. You know, Glenn, I really thought you were better than that.”

“So did I. What happened to the girl I thought loved? The nice girl I met back in middle school. But I guess I see now that you’ve changed. I don’t think you were ever really that into us, you just were in love with the idea of being in a relationship, since you didn’t have anyone,” he snarled. Yeah, well technically he was using her too, just to have a girlfriend to show off, emphasizing his popular status.

“She’s right here. What are you talking about? None of that’s true,” I defended. “Yeah, well what about you? You never truly cared about us either, all that really mattered was that you kept your position on top, and I was the cherry on the sundae of your life.”

He stood there to absorb my clever metaphor, and to reciprocate a comeback, but he was at a loss, “Yes it is. Everything I just said is exactly who you are, Carrie. Face it, if you don’t change, you’ll be working there,” he pointed at the bar down the street, which everyone knew was the lowliest and cheapest one. “Here’s some food for thought; why don’t you grow up? Stop acting like a child; you can’t get everything you want. Oh, here’s another idea, you may want to put a ‘missing persons’ ad on a milk carton- I think you’ve lost your identity.”

That was the last straw. I couldn’t take another person telling me I couldn’t have everything I want or that I needed to change. This was who I am, and I was entitled to my freedom to be whomever I wanted to. He couldn’t tell me how to live my life. What authority did he have? Without warning, I grabbed Glenn’s shoulders and shoved him into the fountain we were standing by.

“What the hell was that for?” he demanded, wiping the water from his eyes.

“That was for being a jerk.” He stood up and reached for my hands and pulled me into the fountain.

“What was that for?” I screamed.

He smiled with satisfaction, “That was for being a bitch.”

I screamed again, heads turning in our direction, “Look what you did.” I stood up and stomped angrily out of the fountain, wringing my dress and my hair out onto the ground. I started heading my way out of the park, anger surging through every inch of my body. I knew people were looking at me and laughing, but I ignored them. I was half way home when some random, creepy guy was walking in sync with me eyeing her like a piece of chocolate cake.

“Do you need any help, miss?”

I quickened my pace and glared evilly at him, I was not in the mood to deal with people right now, “Get lost, loser.” I looked back and realized that Glenn must still be in the park drying off because he never followed after me in a desperate attempt to re-compromise or something. I just wanted to get home as fast as I could so I could lock myself in my room and cry- again. I couldn’t believe I lost the only person who ever loved me, or so I thought. I just couldn’t believe it. I took out my keys from my purse and went inside. I took off my shoes and tossed them carelessly to the floor and ran to my room. A while later I returned to living room in dry clothes and my hair wrapped in a towel, falling lifelessly onto the couch. I had spent the last hour talking to Emily on the phone and crying, and now I was getting kind of hungry. I wandered into the kitchen and opened the empty fridge. When I closed the door I saw a piece of coffee stained paper with my mother’s handwriting scrawled across taped to the front that I hadn’t noticed at first. I pulled it off and read it.

Carrie, I had a last minute business trip to Paris. I’ve arranged for you to go to your dad’s house in Oregon in a few days. Lorraine will be here in two days to pick you up to drive you to the airport. See you when you get back in a few weeks or so. -Vera
I let the note fall from my hand and onto the floor. My face contorted into a million emotions. I felt my temperature rise as my body became a burning incinerator. I could feel myself melt as the world around her became a blistering, white-hot inferno. Again, I didn’t know what to say. First, my boyfriend breaks up with me, and now my own mother leaves me and arranges for me go to my father’s house, which I hasn’t seen in at least nine years. My eyes welled up with a thousand tears and I let them fall. I felt my legs give out as I fell to my knees in a crumpled heap, still clutching the note in my fist. I began to lose all sense of myself as my body convulsed in writhing pain. Nothing was in my control. I wanted to scream just so someone could hear me. Everything was going wrong and I didn’t know what to do. My face was wet with misery and frustration. I grabbed my phone and dialed Emily’s number again.

“Hey, Em, it’s me again,” I sniffled.

“What’s up? Are you okay?”

I took a deep breath and exhaled sharply, “No. My mom is gone.”

“Isn’t she always gone?”

“Well, yeah, but this time she won’t be back. That is, not right away.” I unwound the towel from my hair and shook my head.

“What do you mean?” Emily asked, confused.

“She left me a note saying she had a last minute business trip and has to fly to Paris. And now, she’s sending me away to live with my dad in Oregon for the summer. Lorraine’s coming in two days to take me to the airport, or whatever.”

Emily gasped, “That’s ridiculous! That woman is insane! How could she just leave you?”
“You’re forgetting who we’re talking about; it’s my mom, not yours.”

“Look, it’s late and I can’t come over right now, but I’ll be at your house by noon with a gallon of strawberry ice cream, three pounds of chocolate and hours of DVD’s. We can have a wallowing day,” Emily grinned.

“No.”

“No. You’re saying ‘no’ to a gallon of ice cream and chocolate? What’s wrong with you? Its classic heartbreak therapy,” Emily was completely shocked.

“I have a better idea. Tomorrow night you and I will have a party. Everyone’s invited, even Glenn.” There was a challenging tone to my voice.

“You’re going to invite your ex? I didn’t think you were that stupid, Carrie,” Emily snapped.

“I’m not finished. I’m only inviting him to make him jealous. I’ll dance and flirt with some other guys and he’ll realize breaking up with me was a mistake. I’m going to have him back.”

“Just like that, huh? Carrie Coleman, you are very scandalous,” Emily induced, even though she could sense that this idea would not turn out well; she just wanted to see her best friend happy.

“So are you in or what?” she asked.

“Of course I’m in!” Emily squealed, “This will be so much better than ice cream and movies!”

“I can’t wait!” I giggled. Maybe things were looking up, or maybe they’ll all come crashing down.

“I can’t wait either! See you tomorrow, Carrie.”