Thoughts of a Girl

These 14 years;

Lately, I have been collecting my thoughts and I have finally decided to actually post it and share it to the world. This is how to say in the literary world, an autobiography. All this information is true and written from the heart of a 14 year old girl in the United States. Please care enough to read this; (I dont name names, so just get along with the story)

I am a young girl. I know that, and I know my limitations. At times, I can be as headstrong as I want to be, picking up fights with my older sister, and pretty much barking out that I didn't care about my punishment but inside, I was crying and begging for mercy. I am that one girl that probally no one, or maybe one person, may actually notice. I am like most teen girls, I have parents, I have siblings, I live under a roof and I have clothes on my back. But maybe I might be one of the few who actually sit up all night, imagining how life was back then, when everything was planned out for us. We didn't have much worries, only the worries of coloring inbetween the lines in a 100 page coloring book.

I remember how back then, my mother, sister and me would go to a store, and I'd walk through one aisle with a pair of old ratty sneakers, and come through the next with shiney new red heels. My mother and my sister would laugh and I'd just stand there, strike a pose and call myself a "Little Woman".. Now since I look at myself completely differently, I'm not all that happy about myself. I consider myself a fatty because I compare myself to the media thats published and imprinted daily into our craniums, telling us what ARE we supposed to look like. Heck, from what the hell I know, I'm considered totally average, but I still call myself a total fatty. I'm actually quite ugly myself too. I don't know how I'll make it through life knowing these few things.

Another topic, I have pondered on lately, is about guys. They come and go like seasons, but some will always stay with you as friends or as memories. I remember that back in elemantary school, a first grader would giggle and make jokes about the boys, saying that they have "cooties" and how nasty they were. As time flew by, I've always grown more attatched to them. I never really did care about the cooties, cause you gotta know the secret way to get rid of them. *Getting to know the guy first* I know that from kindergarden, to the 8th grade, I've had crushes, and around the 5th grade, I started dating. Yes, so boring. I'm dating someone. I've dating girls too, and yeah. Not the best thing I've ever done. But 2 years later, it all ends. I probally never really liked the kid and we barely talked, so I guess I never really ever considered him as a real boyfriend. Years later, more come and more go. Til the begining of 8th grade. I met someone, on the popular site, myspace.com, and I really fell for him. I know that at first, I thought he was going to be like other guys, but there was something.. different.. about him.. He pretty much met my needs to a possible crush; tall, cute, med-long hair, and adorable eyes, and I pretty much instantly wanted to be friends with him. A few days later, we met face-to-face, and I wanted to MELT when we hugged (and I still do throughout all this time). He was the most adorable person I've ever met. He was one of those guys with a bit of hair over the right eye, tall, tight-jean wearing cuties everyone falls for now-a-days, but when we talked, it was like I've been talking to my twin. I really thought I was dreaming at first cause I have never met anyone so perfect. Another thing I fell for was his braces. When he smiles, he has that little twinkle in his mouth that just shouts "KISS ME!". Goodness, I was so happy. We went to the movies that same day.. and yeah.. I kissed him. I just couldn't help it, I had to. And he kissed me back. I wanted to cry and hug him and everything! I was incredibly happy that I met someone so amazing.

The next day, I asked him if he wanted to go steady with me.. and he agreed. 7 months and week and a half later, I guess you can say things weren't going too well. I've always thought that we'd last a really long time, and lately, he's been looking really upset. I asked him a few nights ago what was wrong and he said that he was thinking about us... another few days later, he was planning on breaking up with me.. and when I found out, I was devistated. I cried infront of him, on my bed, and from that moment on, I've been crushed. He told me that he wasn't breaking up with me.. but he does.. and ever since those words rang through my ears, I've been sitting in my room, thinking what the hell did I do to screw the relationship up. That one day I found out, I had a killer (bad) headache.. Mom let me take one when my boyfriend left, and a few hours later, I took 2 more.. than another 2 or 3.. I really don't remember. At one point, I was breathing really hard and I started shaking and I didn't know what was going on.. I either was crying or breathing incredibly hard, but I really don't remember anything from that night. My older sister took the bottle of asprins away for the night cause she didn't want me to get an overdose, but it was the only thing that was actually helping me get to sleep.

There are times like these, it makes me think; How do adults do this? How does everyone else get through things? What the hell did I do to get punished? Why now?

I remember how back then, I never really cared about guys, but I found out that once you get to really know someone, and love them for who they are and not what you want them to be, I found out that it's really hard to forget about them. I know that every night since that one day, I've been thinking every night.. "What did I do?" and "What will he choose?".. I know that no ones perfect, but you have to actually learn to go around the problems and actually care about the person you're in love with. Isn't that what love is about?

I always hear my parents arguing across the house, and I really don't blame them. Married for 11 years, 3 kids, shitty job and 2 houses, yeah, we (the children) get all the shit for it. I really do wonder how they made it through their relationship. They don't believe in divorce, but yet, I know that there has been a time- few times- that my mother has wanted to leave him and go back to Poland where she'd rather be than in the United States. She wants/ed to run away from her problems, but she still loves my dad, and she would always stick by his side. Thats real love. And lately, I've been coming up with that kind of a theory. Love is being able to stay with someone, love is a partnership, not a lie and definately not a game. I found out that people do crazy things when they are in love. I know that by personal experience.

I know that you all may be thinking, "Oh, well, you're too young for love anyways", well listen up. I think that anyone can fall in love. At any age. If you're mature enough to handle a relationship that is, but maturity isn't at the age of 18 or 21. It really depends on the person you are, and from what I believe, I'm pretty mature. I take care of a house, about to attend honor classes in highschool and I'm a strong independent young lady. I know that I may have a boyfriend, but like I really need your opinion to make me someone I'm really not. I don't really care about most of the things said about me, but if it comes from my family. POP. I'm down on my hands and knees crying.

My sister has been the biggest problem to me since I've grown into my teen years. I remember when I was young, I've played dress-up with her, we'd dance everyday when my parents went to work at night and we could always tell eachother anything. Then, middle school came around for me. She encouraged me to go "dark" cause it was fairly a good look for me at one point, but then I made dark friends and I've started hanging out with a dark crowd. I've turned down cigarettes, weed, drugs, EVERYTHING. And I've grown bitter to anyone who dared to ask me a question about myself. My sister didn't want to stoop to my level so instead of asking me, she'd either yell at me or even get my parents to get the truth out of me. Over a period of time, I've gotten a little lighter on the colors and dropped the layers of black eyeshadow and black lipstick and I've gotten back to a touch of my feminine side. My sister still calls me "emo" cause most of my clothes still come from the little dark store in the shopping mall down the street. Hot Topic isn't an "emo" store, for anyone who thinks it is. It's a store like most others, but maybe a little more independence and attitude.

I'm getting a little lighter on the colors, and maybe a little tigher around the skin. Skinny jeans, small sized shirts that look amazing on a small bust and I'm happy. I'm considered now "that little scene chick who everyone knows" cause I've been every color on the stereotypical rainbow. And since my changes, I've been dating more people. And my sister never really liked it. She started calling me a slut cause I pounced on a boyfriend before. So what? No big deal. I was wearing clothes and my tongue was in my mouth. She had nothing to worry about. Then when my current boyfriend and I started kissing around my house, there she is, clearing her throat over the music playing in the living room, and we (my boyfriend and me) are scared shitless cause she can't keep anything anymore.

Eventually, the conflicts between my sister and me have been getting a little harder to manage and she's start screaming to a point a vien pulses on her neck and all I can do is imagine jungle drums beating with the rythem of her pulsing blood vessle. I would stand there on the other side of the room, looking away from her, and talking calmly. She would start throwing stuff and cursing her head off, and I'd sit there and not speak sailor cause I know that thats all she wants. She wants me down and weak and I wont stoop to her level. She would call me a whore and a slut and a mistake. She would always put me down so low that I wouldn't want to see her ugly face press against mine anymore. I just cannot stand it anymore. I know that we're sisters and we're all that we've got, but she treats me like someone she's always hated and would never care about. She doesn't believe me anymore and she doesn't trust me on my own. For all I know, I can't leave her around my parents anymore cause she would run off and tell a bunch of lies that she made up on the walk to the parents' room.

Pretty much, thanks to my sister and her compulsive lying; She's the reason my boyfriend wants to break up with me. I really don't think that would be a very good idea cause then we wouldn't be allowed to see eachother ever again if we do end up breaking up. My sister would always tell my parents all these lies about him and that he's just playing around with me just to break my heart more than it would be if we'd break up, and pretty much, that would be the end of me. I'm packing my bags and living with my boyfriend. Just so I can get away from all this pain and suffering.

Lately, I have been thinking of running away. But when my sister got her new seventeen magazine in the mail, I read about this one article about teens girls that ran away. All their stories pretty much ended up worser than the first and it has changed my mind. Well, at least a tad. I'm still thinking of packing a toothbrush and taking someones bike and pedal to my boyfriends house. I have visioned how it would be when I knocked on their door late at night, scared and crying. I can imagine me staying the night, in a place I really call home, people I get along with, people I really care about and someone I really love. Then it would all fade away when I return in the morning, cops at my house, asking my parents questions like; "When did you last see her?", "Do you know what might have caused this to happen?", and "Do you think you might have a clue on her whereabouts?" and my parents would be just as confused as ever. Maybe I just need my own space.. Maybe I just need to get away from all this drama and torment to the heart and mind. But I know that running away only makes things worse and that running away from your problems wont solve anything.

Well, it's 2:15 in the morning, July 12, 2007. The Harry Potter movie has officially been shown to the public, and the premiere is over. I'm not going to go see it in a couple of hours. I am going to see it in a matter of days with my boyfriend and his dad, or as I call him, Dad.

What I really appreciate from my boyfriends' family is that they treat me like family too, and that we all can sit and have a full and complete conversation without anyone yelling at one another for an opinion. Just yesterday, or a few hours ago, I was screamed at for my own opinion. Yes, thank you, oh dear sister of mine. (SARCASM). Goodness, I hate that bitch at times. And yet, we get along. We're completely oppisite and we still bond together at times. At my boyfriend's house, I am treated like family, they're nice to me, they listen to me, and they actually have the same intrests as me. The person I really care about is the youngest in their blood, my boyfriend. He's taught me so incredibly much and I don't know how I can thank him for all his wisdom. But I'm confident that we wont break up cause we've been through harder things where I was forced to break up with him cause of an accidental mishap. But anyways, I am definately positive that we wont break up..

Or at least I hope we don't..

I don't know what I would do without him. I would be lost and alone in this confusing road called Life. I wouldn't have my guidance anymore.. I would just me.. the no one I was before I met him. Just a waste of space and time. I really don't want to find out what will happen without him. I really don't. I'm too afraid to go on without him. I am just mortified on how things would be. My family keeps on telling me that I shouldn't worry cause guys come and go, and I didn't want to hear that. I ended up crying my eyes out and my dad laughing at me cause he thinks I take things a little too seriously. I wonder how he would feel if my mother told him that things weren't going too well. I wonder what he would feel if she told him she wants to leave him, but doesn't. I wonder what would happen if my mother gave him the cold shoulder for a while, and stopped being nice to him, and telling him that nothings wrong, but he could hear it in her voice that somethings on her mind. How would he feel?

Another thing I forgot to mention, is this years generations of gossip and drama. Back then, as far as I can remember, there was never such thing in my childhood. Maybe a little tattle-tailing about finding a lighter in the backyard, or about Susie liking Joey, but that's cute, or yet enough, "normal". I'm transitioning into a highschool when summer passes this year and pretty much all I have to say is that it's gunna kill me. I don't like gossip or drama, but if I do hear anything about someone I hate, I'll tell a friend or something and pretend I've never heard of it before. And the sad thing is, I really don't like alot of people. It takes time to get onto my like list. I have over 100 people I really fucking hate due to little things that piss me off. Isn't that fun?

Gossip and drama is mainly the fact why my sister is sorta a bitch. She hears something and breaks down because of it and she takes everything out on me. Some things, aren't even considered to be drama but some little bulletin on fucking myspace.com. Just this morning, she came inside my room, angered.
"Hey Nat, guess what?"
"What?"
"Do you know what Tammy* did?"
"No, I've been asleep, but what?"
"She posted a bulletin about Harry Potter. She said she went to go see it with me and another friend of mine".
"Uhm.. okay?"
"Yeah, she's friggin' lying about everything, and she commented me telling me that she's going with her Aunt on thursday".
"Uhm. 'Bitch please'".

(*name has been changed)

I have a myspace, for the people who really want to get to know me. For all I care, you can add me, but I'm never online anymore. Too much stuff to do around the house, but I promise I'll get back on when the whole thing between my boyfriend and me fix everything up. I'm pretty much shutting myself outside the world, hoping anyone would notice and I'm probally not gunna sign on for a real fucking long time, depending how things patch up. If all goes well, I'll get back on.. If not, I'll get back on, maybe curse into a couple of bulletins, saying how worthless I am and whatnot. My url is myspace.com/morphine_nukka, you need my last name or email to add me, but I'll change that if I ever get back on again.

I have also noticed that my family really doesn't respect me either. I would go shopping with them, I'd do work with/for them, and they pretty much treat me like shit. My sister, you've heard about earlier in this little story, she's a bitch. Thats the best thing I can say at the moment. Calling me names, yelling at me, distrusting me, and everything. She's even beaten me for burping at one point. Such fun; A blow to the stomache and a bruised tummy. My parent's don't believe me. Whenever I tell them that something is fine, they'd yell at me or bother me to get the truth out when it really is the truth. When I went through my dark stage, they pretty much asked me everyday if I had any drugs or any cigarettes in my system. I would tell them no and they'd do a whole strip search on my backpack and me. I have lost total trust in this family. When I started dating my current boyfriend, I have been on a rollercoaster, asking me questions like if I'd had sex with him already or whatever and I'd always tell them no cause I go to school. I'm not a little slut who walks around with a different guy around their arm, and I'm not a prude for not having it. I mean, there are times we've talked about it, but we've never done it.

A couple of hours ago, I typed this little story out. It's not a happy story, and it's not a bad story. But every story has it's happy endings. This one wont come by just yet. This story is far from being completed. This probally never will be completed in a matter of fact cause I most likely wont continue on if it all ends worse than how it started.