A Year Of Constant Sorrow

  This last year has been the hardest year we've ever had to face. I never knew so much could go so wrong in twelve months of time.
  It all started almost a year ago today, two weeks before October 23rd 2006. I was almost four months pregnant with my fifth child and suddenly I was bleeding. When rushed to the emergency room, they told me I had a false miscarriage, but there was nothing they could do and sent me on my way. For two weeks I was in and out of the hospital aching in pain in my stomach as well as my heart.
  October twenty-third was my last trip to the emergency room. The day of the inevitable and I knew this day was coming, even though I had been given false hope by my doctor. I lost my unborn baby that day and there hasen't been a silver lining since.
  The doctor told me not to blame myself, there was nothing I did wrong. If you've ever been there, you know and you wonder, and you do blame yourself, all the same.
I was depressed, I could not sleep. I would close my eyes and relive it all again. All I could think about was this loss and why, and what it could possibly mean.
  I never got far enough along to find out if it was a boy or girl and in some ways I'm glad I never knew. I did have so many ultrasounds though, enough to imbed the images in my brain. I always wonder if this unborn child was my little Chelsea Marie, the girl I never had.
I looked up at the sky one night, such a clear moonlight it was. Right then and there I found the brightest star and dedicated it to this child. So every night, when the stars come out, I look for my twinkling light (I hate cloudy nights).
I was so depressed, the doctor talked about giving me one of their "magic pills" to make me come back to Earth, but I refused.
  I feel there are some things in life you must grieve for. I needed to grieve and I didn't want people trying to ease my pain or make me see the brighter side of things.
  What happened next stopped my grieving procces and I haven't been able to get that time back since.
  A few days after my miscarriage, my husband had to enter the emergency room himself for pains in his stomach.He was told he has several hernias in his stomach and would have to have surgery to remove them. Suffise it to say, it's been almost a year and he's still suffering the pain every day. He has lost weight and eats maybe twice a day because of the pain. He is a veteran and luckily is able to go to the VA hospital for treatment, but he says we can not afford for him to take off work to have the surgery. Matter of fact, he's had to work extra shifts just so we can pinch pennies a week before payday. I worry about his health constantly and we both worry about everything else. Jobs are far and few between, believe me, we've been looking.
  At the beginning of December 2006, we lost our one reliable vehicle, unable to make the $300 payments. Prices go up on everything but minimum wage stays the same.
  Then we were hit with  another hard blow the day after my birthday, December 10th. We suffered the loss of yet another child, no he did not pass away, but instead, he was taken from us by the state.
  He has bipolar disorder, along with a long list of other behavioral problems. We had done everything we possibly could do to help him through his troubles, but it was to no avail. The only option left, which really wasn't an option, was to loose him to the state so they could get him the help he so desperately needs.
We are able to talk to him and still call him our own, they never took our rights away, there was no reason for that. He just needs special help that we could never afford to give him. We missed Christmas and his tenth birthday with him and it looks like we'll be missing another one.
  Since he's been gone, we've only been able to see him twice. They had to find a treatment center that would take a ten year old who likes to set fires. Hard as it was, they finally found one, four and a half hours away from where we live. Our one vehicle we have is seventeen years old and we can't travel twenty miles without it breaking down let alone four hours.
  We talk to him every week on the phone, and I can hear his heart break when he asks when we'll be able to see him again and we have to make no promises. I would give my left arm and both legs to be able to see him everyday, even once a month.
  Without him here, our lives have taken an even harder turn for the worse. At the end of July, I suffered a mild heart attack that doctors are dumb-founded over. One says yes I did, another says they're not so sure, and yet another says I suffered from an infection in my heart.
  I do not have insurance, so you can imagine the bill. They told me they would take care of the bills since I was unable to afford them, but low and behold yesterday I recieved my first of many bills, I can imagine. They only paid $6,000 of my $45,000 bill. This bill was just for the hospital stay, I've had a few appointments since then. Medication is expensive, not all of them are covered under financial aide, so I have had to quit taking them. I wonder, would they call it suicide if I die because I didn't take my medicine?  Could I possibly call it murder because of the way our country is run?
I am a stay at home mom and I've had very few jobs in my life so I can not even apply for Social Security. They can't tax wages from being a mom. Lets face it, we get paid in hugs and kisses, love and respect, nothing to tax there.
  Four weeks ago, we lost our home that took us twelve years to get in the first place. We lived there only a year before loss of income and taxes and insurance caught up to our bills.The morgage went up $200 at the beginning of the year so we were unable to keep up. We were evicted from our home and now we live in a three bedroom house not big enough for three let alone a family of six.
  We have no stove, we have to buy our own we were told after the landlord changed his mind about finding us one. We have no air conditioning, just window units that don't work worth a damn. For three weeks we went without hot water because our landlord refused to believe the water heater was broken. We don't have locks on our windows and have been told we live in a very bad neighborhood. As I am writing our electricity is being turned off. It's supposed to be switched into our name on the 16th, so the landlord had it cut off. Today is the 11th. We have no where to turn, we had to sign a six month lease so we are stuck for 5 more months, but hey, it's a roof over our heads.
  I'm sick of hearing," you're such a sweet person, you don't deserve this." I believe not even the worst of people deserve anything close to this. We don't have family for support, they gave up on us long ago. I've never had a life long friend, even short term get shorter until there is none. I'm bottled up in my own home, forced to live a lonely life, although, even if given the chance, I'm so used to being alone, I prefer it. I do from time to time, hate myself for my short comings. I've always been too friendly, even towards others who've steered me wrong. For some reason, I've never learned how to say no to anyone. People pleaser? I'm not sure, I just know it's a big problem.
  I feel most sorry for my own children. I grew up not having much and swore to myself someday I'd give the world to my children. Instead, they've been given the force to grow up too soon and the eye opening of life that can go so wrong. They never ask for anything but love and for that I wish I could give them even more. They ask for my spare time, not toys. They ask for my love, not candy. They ask for my advise, nothing that requires money. They deserve so much because they ask for so little. Hard as we try to keep our problems hidden from them, they are wise beyond their years and we could never fool them.
  As I sit here writing about how terrible our last year has been, I know there are people out there who have it so much worse than us and I can't help but feel sorry for them. If someone in need came to me this very day, I'd give my right arm to make their lives seem better.
  I never ask for hand outs, there's always someone in more need, although I have to admit, I do get jealous when people see me hurting and tell me how good they've got it. Bragging is not a likable trait in anyone. And I hate the "Oh so sorrys" that easily roll off ones tongue because they themselves don't know what it's like and I actually prey they never do.
  Because of all this year has brought, I've found the strength to stand up to my husband. Our marriage has been falling apart and I'm finally tierd of being the only one to pick it back up and mend it.
  I take one day at a time, making sure to count my blessings, however few they may seem. I've got the love of my children and for now that's all I need.