Where Will You Hide?

      The garish overhead lights of the school beat down on me, as they always had. My long, blue-black hair (as I always dyed it) cascaded artfully in soft waves to my shoulder, my bangs pinned back. Little did those around know that my hair still smelled of campfire from the Memorial Day picnic I had; and little did they know, that my eyes were tired because I'd stayed up too late and missed drinking my morning cup of coffee. I'd thrown on something acceptable and dashed out the door. And though it was obvious that I was completely exhausted, I was well aware that I looked the best that I had in a very long while... To me, the reason was unmistakable.

    Jaunty steps down the hallway, struggling to defy the will of my tired limbs... Eyes alert through their stupor. I was watching for his towering figure to greet my sight and fill me up - that's why I was so watchful. And sure enough, he rounded the corner on his way to his usual classes, white and sandy hair pulled back in a ponytail, his soft blue eyes filled with a warm humor. Knowingly, he acknowledged me with a nod of his head. As we passed, that was all. But it was much more than that. I was Daisy from the Great Gatsby, and under my breath I whispered "how cool" he looked...

"You always look so cool..."

It was a secret.

    Sunday had been fantastic. The week before he asked me if I wanted to be with him, in the most honest and direct fashion I'd ever seen. It was through a text message - and though I don't normally agree with that sort of start, the man is allergic to phone conversations and speaking in general at great length, so it was acceptable... To me, anyway. Well, Sunday I'd invited him over, (after many failed previous attempts) and his Parents reluctantly agreed; only in lieu of how adamant he was about it.

    We spent the day together. I saw old friends and barbecued, and relived old memories by the fire after darkness fell. Once he left, I wanted to cry... Because that day, after so long we kissed again. I'd been with him before... And we put each other through a lot. We had been immature and unthinking, and our friends despised the very thought of our being together. Only the few and the privileged knew about our most reason coupling...

    It was forbidden because I had always loved him. Even at the most inappropriate of times. I had been with others, and time and again I knew I loved him.

But most of all it was secret because...

"Hey Jenny!"

    I called non-chalantly as she took her seat infront of me. "How're you?" Shaking her mane of dark hair out, she smiled and turned around from her seat infront of me. "Fine. Kind of boring though." I smiled back at her weakly. We began our usual conversation in Theatre, talking about friends and exchanging amusing stories, general happiness being intoxicating through the room. However, one of her (and my) favorite subjects was Josh.

    "I love his ponytail... I don't know what possessed him to put it up all of the sudden but it's so cute!"

"Should I put my hair up? Do you like it when I put it up?" He looked mildly nervous.
"Yeah. I love it!"

    "I don't know either." Lying twisted my stomach. But it was always like this in Theatre, and sitting next to Jenny. She claimed not to like him - not to have any sort of real feeling for him... But she manipulated him. As her male friend, it was almost as if she... Controlled him. That sickened me more. He didn't want her to know, because of what we'd gone through... Jenny didn't approve of him ever seeing me again. He was "disrespecting" himself by being wanting me back once more. She said plainly she would withdraw her friendship if he ever acted on it.

    I hated the control. And she spent all of her time with my ex-boyfriend, though they were "just friends." I hated her manipulation.

"Are you listening?"

    I shook my head. I had become lost in thought. "Sorry... What? I didn't hear you." She sighed in mock exasperation. "I said how pathetic he can be. He's been avoiding me and won't hang out with me anymore..." I nodded in resigned agreement. "He's been telling people..." She drawled on and on - I began tuning her out again.

    On the bus it was the best with him. It was like our secret little world. I curled up into his side perfectly, with his long arms encircling me like a protective net. Our bodies would meld into one another as if they were shaped for it. We'd look longingly at one another, only the littlest restraint keeping our lips from meeting. Those soft, angelic eyes with such innocence... How quietly he hummed as the bus rattled along until he had to leave me always stayed with me after he was gone. How he would croon in my ear when speaking to me always echoed in the back of my mind. The softness of his Rage Against the Machine hoodie was like a blanket smothering the spark of my fears. I couldn't ever listen to music on the bus - I wanted to hear the rhythm of his heart beat and the heaving of his chest. When I was cold, my hands would hide underneath his arms until they bled warmth... And I always discreetly gave him a kiss on the neck goodbye...

    "He's a pathetic weak little liar!"

    "Yeah..." I murmured in consent. I hated the whole thing. "What are you doing after school today?" Asking wouldn't hurt... Perhaps it would put her in a better mood.

    "Hanging out with Michael." My stomach dropped. My ex boyfriend was her best friend. She hung out with him more than she ever hung out with me. It was that moment that I realized that she had secrets, too. "Sorry." But she didn't look sorry.

And quietly I hid a smile that I would always have their hearts.