Southern Comfort

Knoblick, MO (AP) – Dwayne Mercer was found dead this morning in his trailer home along Highway 63. Mercer was discovered by his girlfriend, Darlene Watson, early Wednesday morning when he didn’t answer the door for their “breakfast bonk.”

“Dwayne never misses this. He says my sugar nook is what gets him up every morning,” stated Watson. “When he didn’t answer the door ready to romp, I knew something was wrong. I let myself in with the spare key he keeps under that fake dog poop in his yard. I didn’t believe my eyes when I walked in.”

Authorities report that Mercer was found in what appeared to be an apparatus that attached to his dishwasher and connected to the area of his groin and anus. The apparatus looks to be homemade. While the investigation is still underway, initial reports say that the equipment apparently forces the dishwasher water into the anus while supplying steam and suction to the groin region – including the area commonly  known as the taint. There is no considerations to remove the water from the anus.

The police are unsure whether this was Mercer’s first attempt at using the device or if something went wrong. While his girlfriend couldn’t confirm the use of the machine, she did comment that he always smelled “real clean down there.”

Initial coroner reports indicate that the hot water entered his anal cavity, cooking him from the inside out. Boone County coroner, Jane Franklin, commented, “The real mystery is how Mr. Mercer let this happen. To be cooked alive in this manner would be a drawn out procedure lasting up to a few hours – depending on the temperature of the water. The device appears to be easily removable, which leads to the notion that Mr. Mercer actually enjoyed the scalding blast of water in his colon enough to leave it flow long enough to kill him. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

This is the second death in the Mercer family this year. In July, his brother, Chuck, was found dead due to blood loss from a self-inflicted belt sander laceration on his penis. He’s survived by his sisters Jolene, Starlene, Tammy, Dawn, Amber, Crystal, Brandy, Shauna, Tonya, Tiffany, Bambi, Misty, Cheyanne, Destiny, Charity, and Chastity.