Searching.

I didn’t quite know what I was searching for.
And this dawned on me in Beijing, China.
It was as I walked through the cluttered street markets, the vibrant stalls, that I began to question what I was seeking.
Streams of paper lanterns flowed along the tops of stalls in this traditional part of town. I had always loved Chinese culture, it’s just so strikingly different to the Western world. The legends, the martial arts, the clothes , patterns, mannerisms. They always fascinated me. I suppose I assumed my love for the place would make me feel like I belonged, but I felt more out of place than I have ever felt before. On my travels around the world, I was hoping to find a place where I could belong, maybe where I had a talent, a place where I fitted in , people who accepted me,somewhere to call home. Feeling thoroughly out of place again, I slumped down on a nearby bench.
I carefully scanned the market to see what was on offer- beaded necklaces, pottery, strange cuisine, flowers. Nothing out of the ordinary…until I finally managed to lock eyes on a craft stall. It sold notebooks with fantastic, hand carved wooden covers, boasting the most magnificent designs. There were similar photo albums and a pair of tall candlesticks, delicately painted, I just had to buy them. If I took them back to my hotel, would it feel a little more like home?
The answer, I later discovered, was no. So that evening in a quiet hotel I once again packed my case, and settled for a restless sleep in anticipation of my morning flight to Japan.

I arrived in Japan at Shibuya terminal, and headed off to find somewhere to get breakfast.
In a quiet restaurant, I sat at a one person table, drinking tea and eating a bagel. I’d managed to get a seat by the window , allowing me to indulge in a spot of people watching. Completely absorbed in my own world, I flinched in shock as a young English man tapped my shoulder.
“May I join you?” he asked, though he’d already assumed my response as he was pulling a chair up to my table.
“Sure,” I smiled as I spoke. I had to admit, it had been a little while since I exchanged conversation, proper conversation, with someone who spoke my own language. I was sincerely hoping to make a good impression and a friend here.
“So…if you don’t mind my asking, do you live here or are you just visiting?” He Questioned.
“Visiting, how about you?” Embarassingly, a nervous laugh accompanied this line.
It only took a few minutes for me to learn that this man was named Joshua, he too was visiting, and staying for a week. He was travelling alone and was tired of having no one to speak to already.
And so we agreed to go sightseeing together that day.
Being in company finally managed to lift my spirits, I was suddenly so much braver with Joshua around…which was odd considering I barely knew him. There was something about those hazel eyes that allowed me to trust him. He had black hair, a pale face, and the two contrasted wonderfully, not unsettlingly. His smile was kind and sincere. I finally dared to try different things that day, we hired bikes and went cycling along a scenic route, where we could see the snow tipped mountains. And in the evening we ate at the most fantastic bar, a day was all it took to remember why I was doing this, to live in the moment, to learn to love life. It may have been odd to accept a stranger so quickly, but he felt just as alone as me, was just as keen for company as I. We both just wanted a friend, and you must understand that by this point I was so very tired of travelling around by myself, with no one to share my experiences with, no one to talk to.
I became frightened at the effect Joshua would have on me, being the only person I could be close to right now…I had been sharing so much with him without even knowing, and I would have to leave him behind in six days. It already felt wrong going back to a hotel room without him. And that’s not intended with any hint of sexual desire or lust, just a want for companionship. I was so lonely.

I awoke early the next day, met Joshua, and we left to grab some breakfast. Breakfast lasted a little longer than I predicted, our conversation became quite indepth. I barely noticed but on reflection I suppose I was telling him my life story, why I was here, my need to find somewhere to belong. But it wasn’t a problem and the reason for my upfront and open manner was because he shared just as much with me, if not more. He came from a big family, and was looking to find himself in a sense as well, often feeling like the introvert among four exrovert brothers and two younger sisters. Although his main reason for travelling was photography, he was hoping to capture some really impressive shots to start a career back home. Voluntarily, he began to flick through the photos he’d taken on his travels via the display screen on his digital camera, almost shyly, he showed them to me. But as he went through them his confidence arose, he started to tell me about each one.
“This was Paris,the lighting that day was beautiful… Here’s Moscow at night, the colour on those buildings are incredibly vibrant, look at how they stand out against the black sky…”
He had my full interest but seemed to feel as though he was rambling, “Sorry…I erm, lose myself sometimes, you get the idea though.”
“No,” I replied, “I think they’re amazing, you’re definitely onto something special there,” I smiled.
“Thanks, I hope so,” he looked at me gratefully.
Today’s plan was to travel far out by train and then go walking until afternoon. We took time strolling through the parks and Joshua managed to take some great pictures. We bought some sushi for lunch, of which I don’t even enjoy, I just decided to consume it out of cultural spirit.
It took the whole journey back to convince him into a shopping trip through the malls, but in less than ten minutes of shopping I could tell he was actually finding it fun. He tried on silly sunglasses and joke outifts, whilst I looked for something good enough to serve as a valid reminder of my so far lovely trip, to Japan. Even he had to admit that the bright lights and the vivid window displays were worthy images for his photo collection.
We hung around until after dark so Joshua could photograph the lights at night. They were utterly dazzling, such bright neon against pitch black backdrop. This was clearly a place that never sleeps. The streets remained overcrowded 24/7, always alive.
We decided to buy something we could take back to the hotel for dinner, both of us had endless amounts of things in common, and there was such little time to talk about it all. Just five days were left.
When the food was handed to us, I noticed the boxes came with little paper placemats. Both had a line of Japanese symbols, but they appeared to be quotes. Joshua picked up the food and began to head for the door, but I was determined to learn something more about this culture. I leant over the desk and enquired, “what do they mean?”
The lady whispered as if it were strictly for my ears only , “You know you have found love, if he feels like home.” She accompanied the quote with a shy smile and continued , “Very traditional saying.”
“Thank you,” I nodded.
Though the saying was lovely, I couldn’t help but feel she was suggesting Joshua was my partner, which unnerved me a little.
When we reached my room Joshua entered first, took my jacket like a gentleman and set the food on the table. Stood hesitantly by the couch, unsure of whether we were going to be sitting or standing or watching television or conversing, he approached me directly, and looked straight into my eyes.
No questions asked, he leaned in to kiss, I did not refuse , I just accepted. Gentle at first as he tested me, his lips brushed softly against mine. But as I responded to the warm touch , it became instantly more passionate. Stood helplessy against the wall I surrendered my lips to him, kissing fast , desperate, his hands clutched my waist.
But something felt wrong, not alarmingly wrong, just uncomfortable, the kiss was nice, his lips were tender , but I couldn’t help feeling like it was too familiar. He stopped and there, with his eyes centimetres from mine I began to realise. Those hazel eyes, with honey colour drizzles lining the iris, allowed me to feel safe, comfortable,confident, because they were the mirror image of Oscar’s dazzling,loving,bright …eyes.
The memory hit like a stab in the chest. The memory I’d been avoiding for 27 days,
“You’re impossible to love anyway!” he shouted, but his voice broke in the middle. He poked the bone that covered my heart , “What about me Amy?! Is there any thing in that heart for me? All you care about is protecting yourself. You’re selfish, you’re cruel, you take your issues out on me, and I can tell you , NO ONE, will love you as much as I do. But you’re impossible Amy.” And that was the night, I let Oscar walk away.The words rung like a bell in my brain. My kiss with Joshua, still felt like a betrayal to Oscar.
A worried looking Joshua graced him thumb against my cheekbone , “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry…if you didn’t want to…if you felt uncomfortable, I just thought…”
I put my hand in his and stroked it lightly , “No, no I’M sorry, you have nothing to apologise for, it’s just, there’s someone else. Someone I can’t quite let go of yet, not enough to do anything…with you.” I whispered.
I led Joshua over to the couch and explained that my feelings for Oscar were still too strong. I explained how the night before I left to start my travelling, I decided to end it with him. Not because I didn’t love him , but because I was too scared of letting him get so close. It had been a continuous problem in our relationship which began two years ago. After we had been together for a year, I realised just how dependant I was on him , how my whole being, my happiness depended on this one person. And it terrified me. What if he betrayed me? Where would I be without him? Ultimately I knew this affected him too because if I couldn’t let him close, I couldn’t show I felt,so it was difficult for him to feel loved in return. I decided that if he was the right person for me, I would not feel worried, I would be able to let him in. So the conclusion I made was that he couldn’t be. Whilst at home, I found the idea of ending but still seeing him ,being reminded of him would be impossible. Would be heartbreaking. But knowing I was going travelling…well that way I could leave him behind.

Joshua was incredibly polite through this , even understanding. He tried to make comparisons between this and his own relationship problems, but I didn’t really see the similarity. I was just thankful to have someone to speak to. Someone to tell. He made light attempts at cheering me up and we decided to watch an old movie on the ancient dvd player. He handed me the takeaway noodles we had just purchased and we sat together on the couch. Both discovering how absolutely atrocious we could be at trying to use chopsticks in a neat, efficient manner. Joshua fell asleep on the couch and I climbed into bed, hoping for some rest from my thoughts. The thing is, I knew the truth, I would find it difficult to let anyone in. It wasn’t Oscar at fault. It was my cautiousness, my worry. And I was cruel, harsh, after months of barely treating him like someone I loved, for I was too afraid to show it. I told him it was over. And I said I wouldn’t look back. However, I faltered so many times during my travel, not a day went by where I did not think of Oscar, but this had been the first where the clarity of the words we exchanged had really taken effect.

I fell asleep for a short time only to be woken by heavy rainfall hitting the roof overhead. I soon became restless again, my thoughts conflicting loudy in my head. “Joshua is lovely, can you not just try and have fun with him?” I glanced at the clock to see it was only 5am and sighed in disappointment at the thought of lying awake for the next few hours waiting for Joshua to get up.
This was interrupted as he stirred from his sleep over on the couch. I watched him mess around with his hair a little in the reflection of the tv before he sat up to greet me.
“Morning,” he started with a croaky voice,but he then glanced at the clock ,“well, not really morning…have you slept?”
“Urgh…not much if I’m honest…but I’ll survive,” I attempted to joke.
“Awh Amy, you should woken me if you couldn’t sleep… I wouldn’t have minded!”
“Thanks, but no, no it’s fine, you should go back to sleep, it’s early yet.”
I smiled… this man, whom I had known only two days was showing such warmth, such kindness, I began to wonder why. Could he have some motive other than simply feeling lonely and wanting a friend? A million worst case scenarios flickered through my head, but I forced myself to shake them free. I cursed my constant need to worry. I was going to enjoy this next five days.


But I had another desire, that burned stronger, a need to see Oscar, to apologise. I stood up and crossed the room to sit next to Joshua. As I did so, I noticed the mats that had been left on the table since the night before. “You know you have found love if he feels like home.” Those words began to repeat and wail in my head like sirens.
I had been searching, travelling all across the world to find somewhere that felt like home. Here I was, thousands of miles away and I still hadn’t found a place where I could belong. Suddenly, It was incredibly obvious as to why. Oscar was my home; it was in his arms that I felt warmth,happiness, I was able to be myself around him. He accepted me as cruel as I had been, until the day I lied and told him that I didn’t want him anymore. I thought I would find something better if I escaped and would be able to move on, but I was wrong. I set of on my travels to explore, discover and enjoy all these new places and the reason I couldn’t was because he wasn’t by my side. Everything little thing only reminded me of him. The reason it was only recently that I had been searching for somewhere to belong was because I was realising I didn’t belong without him.

“I need to make a phonecall, sorry, won’t be long!” I said to Joshua, as I ran to the bathroom.
I dialled a number that I used to dial every day. I didn’t know what the time would be in the UK, I didn’t care, I was just counting on a hope that he would pick up.
No answer.

I tried again,and again , and again. I eventually decided to check my e-mail on my phone, wishing there was something from him. Planning to send him a message begging that he talk to me. And incredibly there was , there was one e-mail from Oscar.
Amy,
I know you’ve left now. And you may never care to talk to me again. But I am still sorry for the words I said the other night. They were cruel and as hurt as I am, I will always be here waiting for you, should you change your mind. If not, I thank you for the most wonderful two years of my life.
I pray you change your mind Amy, I’ll always love you. Please be safe.
-Oscar xxx

Tears filled my eyes and overflowed down my face just as they did on the beginning of my journey.
I typed out a quick and messy reply of ;
Oscar,
Please be waiting, I want to come back. I’m sorry too, I lied, I still want you, I still love you. Answer my call - x.
Frantically I dialled his number and still there was no reply. But suddenly Joshua began knocking loudly on the door. The knock was urgent, angry.

“Get out!” shouted Joshua, “GET OUT!”
Startled, I opened the door to see a frightened Joshua looking panicked, terrified. “Amy, people are breaking in , we need to get over to the balcony” he spoke in a quiter tone as he said this and then took my hand and turned to run towards the glass balcony doors. I could hear people shouting.
I was utterly shocked, I knew this hotel was run down, not the safest of places …but a break in?!
Joshua and I ducked against the railing, he tried to calm me as he noticed my uncontrollable shaking.
“What’s going on?! What are we going to do!? We can’t jump! We’re seven storeys up!” I hissed.
“I don’t know Amy, just keep calm, hopefully they’re only looking for money.” He whispered, attempting to make me feel better.
Only money?! Money was a big deal to me , I thought. I didn’t have that much, I was clever enough to hide my purse but what if they found us and forced it from me? But all I really remember after that thought was two white, tall , aggressive men standing over me. They shouted in a language I couldn’t understand. Angrily their voices became louder, the first man appeared to be making a threat, Joshua seemed to stand up to defend me, but was quickly knocked to the ground. Soon after that, my mind was lost, blank.

I woke up in a hospital bed. Surveying myself I couldn’t visibly see what was wrong, until I tried to move and felt searing pain in my torso. A thousand questions blitzed my mind, what had happened?! Were those people looking for Joshua? Was it his fault I was in this mess? Would Oscar know where I was?! I needed to speak to Oscar!
Standing over me were two men, but they weren’t the criminals, one was a friend, and one was my home, I realised as my vision finally focussed.
Oscar smiled down at me , stroking my hair “I knew you wouldn’t stay out of trouble, I’m surprised you lasted 28 days” he winked.

“Don’t worry, she’s only broken every single rib” Joshua joined in, “And gained some interesting bruises on her head, although I think it almost could pass as a fashion statement,” he joked, struggling to adjust to using crutches as his leg was covered in thick cream coloured plaster. I watched him hobble away as he was called to take a phonecall from his family. Oscar leant at my side and explained to me how the criminals had broken into three other hotel rooms, all of which were occupied by tourists who seemed “vulnerable” and had now been charged for armed robbery. He explained how after Joshua had been knocked down, he managed to get up again even with his broken leg, and defend me from anymore damage. He handed over his money and called the police.
Oscar frowned, “saving you is meant to be my job, I wanted to do the knight in shining armour thing” he pursed his lips playfully. I gazed into his eyes and damaged as I was physically, I finally felt whole again with him stood at my side. He stroked my hair gently , “I’ve missed you so much, Amy” he whispered.
I could feel my eyes tearing up, “Well I’m home now,” I smiled, “I love you.” He leant down to kiss me and my hearft lifted,my stomach flipped over, I felt overwhelmed with happiness in that moment, and I wanted it to last forever. I knew with Oscar , it would.