The Nut House

Group is just as boring as it sounds. I sit quietly and listen to everyone talk about their problems. I hope the therapist doesn't call on me, the last thing I want to do is talk about how messed up my brain is.
"How are you feeling today, Debbie?" The therapist called on me. Great.
"Um, I'm fine. Not very much on my mind."
"Why don't you tell us some of the things you like to do when you're feeling down?"
"I draw, write and play my violin." I should not have said that. I shouldn't have said anything. I can feel everyone judging me and saying I'm not good enough, I'm too fat to play violin, I'm ugly. Oh god, my anxiety is through the roof right now.
"Well that's terrific! Does anyone else have anything to add to the list of things to do to help us cope when we're feeling down?"
I can't listen anymore. The blood is rushing through my head, I can't hear, my vision is going dark. Oh my god am I dying? I sure hope so. I pick a spot on the table and concentrate. I think about good things. My Rottweiler dog waiting for me at home, the thought of cutting through my skin the second I get to my room. The room stops spinning and my headache slowly goes away. When I look up the therapist is thanking everyone and telling us what a good job we did. A whole hour has passed and I didn't even notice? At least this is over. Now we get some free time before supper.
I go back to the puzzle I was doing earlier. Not very much progress I have to say. I don't even know what this puzzle is supposed to be, there was no box when we found it. Maddie wraps an arm around my shoulder, scaring me half to death.
"What's up, Debbie-kins?" Ugh, nicknames.
"Just doing this puzzle. You?"
"Oh nothing. I noticed you looked kind of out of it during group. Everything okay?" She lets go of my shoulder and sits down next to me. She really does look concerned.
"Oh yeah. Everything's okay, thanks for asking." I wonder if there's something she wants to talk about but she's just not saying it...
"Mind if I join you again for supper? I've been talking to some of the people in here and you seem like one of the few people who are actually kind of decent."
"Haha, well thanks for that. I think. You seem pretty decent as well."
"Cool, I'll see you at supper."
"Sure thing." I watch her walk away to her room. She really is gorgeous. I wonder why she's in here. Maybe I should ask her, after all, Dianna did just come out and ask me why I was here, so it should be okay for me to do it right?



............

I walk behind some other patients to the caf, looking for Maddie. I don't see her so she must be coming later. I grab a tray, a plate of whatever gross calories they have today, a water and I start walking towards the corner table. Mashed potatoes, boiled peas and carrots and some sort of meat thing. I'm not very hungry anyway. I play with the food, occasionally bringing the empty fork to my mouth to make it seem like I'm eating and wait for Maddie. I drink my water and play with my food for what seems like forever until I finally see her coming in. She grabs some food and comes to sit beside me.
"Not very hungry?" She motions towards my mostly full plate with her forkful of mashed potatoes.
"Not really. This food is kind of disgusting to me." I lie. I'm starving inside but the voices say I can't eat or I'll get fatter and fatter and no one will ever love me.
"Well, I'm starving. So tell me Debbie, what are you in for?" She talks in between mouthfuls of calories.
"Umm... You first." Should I tell her about my eating disorder? Do I trust her?
"Alright. I have schizophrenia, I cut myself, I have anger issues and trust issues. I trust you though, I mean, why wouldn't I?"
"That's rough. You can trust me with anything I'm like a human vault. That and because I literally don't have any friends to tell your secrets to." At least that part was true.
"Thanks girl. Now it's your turn. Why are you in here? Don't worry, I might be crazy, but I don't spill secrets."
"Ha, good to know. I have depression, I'm suicidal, I cut myself and something else I haven't told anyone. My doctor has been talking about sending me here for awhile I just never thought he actually would. I trusted him and he sends me to the looney bin. Awesome."
"Doctors, huh? So what's the thing you haven't told anyone before?"
"Umm, I have low self esteem. Like extremely low. It kind of relates to that."
"What?!" She seems genuinely shocked at that. "Low self esteem? How? You're so pretty! Who told you you're not? Want me to beat them up for you?" She makes a fist with one hand and hits her other hand.
"Haha slow your roll there tiger. It was mostly my family. My dads mother poked my stomach and said I'm getting fatter. My brother always made fun of me. I know that's what most brothers do, but I'm easily influenced. Hearing him say that I'm fat and useless just made me feel that way..." Wow. I told her more than I've ever told anyone.
"Wow. Rough. I'm sorry about that." She looks genuinely sorry for my situation.
"It's alright, not like it's your fault."
"Wanna be friends? I'll look out for you and you can look out for me."
"Sure, that sounds great." It seems like she completely forgot about the thing I didn't tell her. Hopefully she doesn't ask, I don't think I'm strong enough to tell anyone.