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Sunday, May. 5, 2024

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It's not about me

by Chasing Worms

Rated: 13+ · Book · Personal · #1984213

Thoughts that clammer through my head

Ok, so This is my blog and when I started it, I just wrote, not realizing this first page was supposed to describe my blog. I don't want to delete anything here, so I'm leaving what I wrote below. And my blog....well, I write what I'm thinking about. Most of the time it's pretty deep stuff but that's just where I am in my life. Sometimes I may get a wire or two crossed and write about something funny or weird, but that's just me too. So for anyone reading these, I hope you enjoy them.

I made my first post on writing.com yesterday, which doesn't seem like a big deal but when you find out that I've been a member since September 2013, it is. Before one can post anything, you have to go through a process...fill out a bio; tell us about yourself. What kind of writing do you like to do, where are you from, etc., etc. As I was filling these boxes out, I realized this was the main reason I haven't been on this site before now. The thing I hate most is talking about myself. What do I say about this person (me), whom I consider to have an average, no drama life? My friends would all disagree with that.

I don't like to talk about myself. I am more comfortable writing about events, thoughts and anything else that inspires me. I don't even mind people reading my writing, but I am very self-conscious when people read something I've written about myself. This morning that realization hit me like a bat between the eyes. I had the same problem when I wrote my art bio. I'm an artist too. I love painting, but when the gallery owner asked me to put together a bio, my stomach curled up like someone just asked me to eat a cockroach. It took me 4 months to write something that would fit on a 4x9 card. We're talking less than 300 words! It shouldn't have been that difficult, but it caused me so much anxiety, I got sick to my stomach every time I tried to put something together. How do I tell people who I am in one small paragraph? I realized a long time ago, I can't.

People find out who I am through the relationships we build. A 4x9 card can give someone a detailed, sterile view of what I do and how I do it, but it does not give anyone a glimpse into who I am as a person. Those things that motivate me, inspire me, make me sad, smile and scream with joy, are the hidden, silent parts of me that go unnoticed until you get to know me. I'm bigger and deeper than a 4x9 card, more mysterious than a one inch paragraph can provide, yet I'm as deep and wide as the ocean for those close to me. My husband said it was that mystery and depth, that made him want to learn more about me when we met. He claims that was a "gift" to him, but I think that is the gift that we all give to each other when we connect with other people and see who they really are instead of what we publicly portrait with words and pictures.

Maybe my anxiety is something more simple in that I never learned how to sell myself.....but no, I don't believe that. No one should have to sell their self. What you do, say, and contribute does more than any written words ever will.

It suddenly dawned on me that I just wrote a lot about myself.

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Show Recent Comments

7 Most Recent Blog Comments:

RedButterfly

May 10, 2014 at 2:41pm
In response to "Some Days are Just Ugly"

I too have had several similar experiences like yours. I found very early that I was an "inner grower" and I simply outgrew some friendships. The first couple of times it happened was very difficult because I didn't understand what was happening. The last few years the problem centered around religion. Like you, I also discovered that there are people who use their religion to justify their bigotry. I use to get 'my nickers in a knot' about this. But, I've learned, the hard way, just to walk away and try to cherish those things that were once meaningful in our relationship. Thanks for writing your story, because it helped me see that I'm not alone with dealing with this very human problem.

1 Like

RedButterfly

May 10, 2014 at 2:26pm
In response to "A Brief Separation"

I'm jealous

RedButterfly

May 10, 2014 at 2:22pm
In response to "My Life as a Worm"

In your blog entry you wrote that you don't like to write about yourself. But, you do it so well. I guess you might have meant that you write well about yourself but, it doesn't feel good. I enjoyed your story. As I read it I kept wondering what the negative impact of not knowing and using your father's last name would have on you? I also wondered if your mother and step father gave much thought to the different types of problems this would cause you and your siblings? But, as good writers do, you answered each of my questions almost as soon as they surfaced in my mind. So, I kept wanting to know more about your experiences with your name. In fact, you might have saved me from something I'm very afraid of, worms. So the next time I see a worm, instead of freaking out, I will think of you. Thanks for writing about yourself.

Mitchopolis

Apr 28, 2014 at 7:41am
In response to "Some Days are Just Ugly"

I've had a similar experience with a good fiend who seemed unable to accept that I didn't agree with her POV on something. The friendship suffered from tension for a while, and I decided to invite her to lunch to work out the awkward awkwardness. She declared she didn't have time for friends and if something changed I would be the first to know.

I wish I had read this entry back when these events occurred because I may have spent less time with anger and hurt. I would have taken your advice and recognized the end of our journey and moved on. Thanks.

1 Like

Larissa Out Loud

Apr 18, 2014 at 1:48pm
In response to "Finding Forgiveness"

Forgiveness is definitely hard. I think you wrote this after our conversation we had the other morning when I told you about my friend that asked me how long it takes to forgive when someone has hurt you so badly. My answer, "A LONG time." It took distance and years between my past and myself to forgive.... yet I will never forget the events as they were.

I love this blog. I agree with it, yet reading it still makes my stomach tighten and makes me feel the anxiety that i felt prior to forgiving my "past". There is still sooooo much to let go of the different pasts in my life, but I'm constantly working towards bettering my own existence by letting go of what drags me down. Letting go and forgiving is not a sign of weakness, instead it gives me more control.... i just have to remember that. :)

1 Like

Larissa Out Loud

Apr 18, 2014 at 1:45pm
In response to "Finding Forgiveness"

Forgiveness is definitely hard. I think you wrote this after our conversation we had the other morning when I told you about my friend that asked me how long it takes to forgive when someone has hurt you so badly. My answer, "A LONG time." It took distance and years between my past and myself to forgive.... yet I will never forget the events as they were.

I love this blog. I agree with it, yet reading it still makes my stomach tighten and makes me feel the anxiety that i felt prior to forgiving my "past". There is still sooooo much to let go of their different pasts in my life, but I'm constantly working towards bettering my own existence by letting go of what drags me down. Letting go and forgiving is not a sign of weakness, instead it gives me more control.... i just have to remember that. :)

1 Like

Larissa Out Loud

Apr 18, 2014 at 1:33pm
In response to "She is a spitfire"

This made me get a little choked up...... i know where i get "me" from. Its a long line of strong, powerful women. :) I love you mom.

1 Like

April 5, 2014 at 1:38pm

#812673

Finding Forgiveness

This morning as I sat outside with a cup of coffee I thought about the people I love, and the struggles they find themselves in. Not that everyone doesn't have struggles at times, but I'm talking about the struggles that keep people from being able to move forward with their life and be happy.

One little thing can help them move forward, and that is forgiveness. That little word carries more power than an army; it has a deeper, long-lasting affect on people than going hungry. It's not forgiving that freezes our mind, continues to create fear, and fuels the anger burning inside.

Forgiveness doesn't mean to forget, but most people can't understand that. For every person I've heard say, "I'll never forgive him/her" I think about the emotional chains they have just bound around their self. Not forgiving binds us to the person that hurt us. Forgiveness releases us from that person or persons, and allows us to move forward in our life and be happy. The bad memories don't hold power any more, and very quickly the mind is able to focus on everything beautiful in life. Those bad experiences become a distant dream. You can still learn from those experiences without allowing yourself to drown in it. Choose the things you need to know to protect yourself in the future and understand that you never have control over someone else and their behavior. You only have control over your own actions and words.

I thought about those two people I love and still hear the anger in their voice when they call; the hurt and anxiety over something that happened more than 15 years ago is still fresh as if it happened yesterday. I want to help them, but I can't. I can only continue to love them and offer any encouragement I can, when they ask. Unless they are ready, any help is just brushed aside.

So I sent them a prayer this morning for peace. At some point we all get tired of the anger dragging us down and eventually we become anxious to release those bad memories. The more energy we give to it, the bigger, stronger and long-lasting it will be.

At some point, they will reach their breaking point and the need to let go, and then they will find forgiveness. I hope it's soon.

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