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Just Jul Lee is just me. I write my thoughts and observations. |
  I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world! This is just a journal about me and what I feel and experience. It will speak of God quite often and since I am human it will speak of loneliness occasionally experienced and other emotions we all deal with. I hope that you will read this objectively and rate it fairly, if you rate it at all. Please don't rate it if you're just doing it because you disagree with me. I am not you and you are not me, that's what makes us great. We believe differently and do things differently. Sit back and enjoy but if you don't want to hear about God then stop now.  Just Jul Lee  |
Focusing on the Future Date: NOVEMBER 7, 2002 Today was a day for thinking about tomorrow. For me, tomorrow holds great promise. I plan to attend college in January and begin the training for my future career. I always believed I would be a writer but my path is heading in a different direction and I am willing to follow it. I enjoy the twists and turns on the road of life. It makes it worth living. I had an okay day joy wise but a great day productively. I acheived much today so I feel that the day wasn't a total waste. I have discovered a great many things about myself and my personality this past week and I am still just discovering who I am. I hope moving out will help me realize my true potential and personality. I find that I am more joyful and carefree when I am alone. This is just because I don't have to worry about someone telling me what to do or thinking I'm weird. Thanks for listening. More to come. I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!  |
A Day For Sorrow Date: NOVEMBER 4, 2002: Well, like I mentioned, there will be days when I would feel inadequate or angry. This was one of those days. Sunday November 3, 2002 my friend got married and my mom and I fought. This was a rehash of the fight that led to me moving out and living with my father for half a year, not talking to my mother for three or four months. It seems as if I relive my arguments but I think it is actually that my mom doesn't listen to my points. Let me explain. I want to move out. I am twenty two after all. She doesn't want me to. I think that the only way she will let me go is if I force her to shove me out the door. Thus the argument. The way it started was with the attitude I possessed on said day. I was in a bad mood and she was making it worse. As we drove down the road, she railed on me. I listened but did not respond. Years ago I learned that keeping my mouth shut was the easiest way to end an argument. I kept my mouth shut until she dragged my friends into it. You see, my mom doesn't approve of almost all my friends. Their flaws are constantly up for discussion and I grow sick of hearing how awful my friends are. There is only one friend she approves of and she lives in a town an hour away. So, needless to say, when she chose to blame my friends, I chose to speak up. This was a long time coming. I feel such anger and bitterness toward her because of our past and I have never expressed it to her. I let it fester. So, here I am, hoping to move out in a month or two and thinking of how wonderful living alone will be. The reason I am writing this in this journal is because I need to express my frustrations. I hope to look back on this entry and understand why I am so angry and unhappy. I try so hard to live like I'm supposed to, to make the right decisions and smile and be nice but I can't. I'm only happy when I'm home alone or out with my friends. I'm sure you can understand where I'm coming from. If not then I hope you can at least sympathize with me. I am not trying to depress anyone or confuse anyone. This journal entry was not planned or thought out so it kind of rambles and doesn't really follow itself very well. I have been called selfish for far too long and when I mentioned this on Sunday my mom pressed that I was selfish, which I'm not. Mind you, everyone has days where they look out for themselves, where they want to buy something for them, where they are the center of the universe. I have had such days and I am sure you have as well. But, I currently give my checks to my mom, owe too much money on my car because of my mom and my brother, and am deeply in debt. Add anger and bitterness to the list and you have quite a mix. My brother totalled his car on a drinking binge one night and we went to get the wreck. It had been towed. By the time we found out where it was we decided we didn't want it. But we had to pick it up and that cost a little over a thousand dollars. The loan company convinced my mom to pay off some of her credit cards. Thus, on a car that I once owed nothing on now has over five thousand dollars owed on it. And I am paying for it. My brother just bought himself another new car. This is already his fifth car while this is still my first. He got his license his freshman year, got my moms old car debt free and lived the life of a drinker. I got my license when I graduated, on my own because I was eighteen, I got my car through a dealership, which meant I paid monthly for it. My brother has wrecked every car and only this new one, which is a month old, and his jeep were the two vehicles drivable. My anger and bitterness spawns from the past regrets I never confronted and the daily slaps in the face I still receive. I appear to the uninformed that I am a selfish little girl that is never happy or pleased with what I have. What I have is a prison with the chains of guilt. I hope to break free soon. Please pray for me, if you do that sort of thing, or just laugh for me so that the day will be brighter somewhere. I hope your day is going better than mine. Thanks for listening. |
A Day For Enlightenment Date: OCTOBER 28, 2002 I am a christian even if my writing doesn't really show it. I believe in God and Jesus, I attend church three or more times a week and I stand firm in my beliefs, both religious and self imposed. To say that my life is what I want it to be would be lying. I am not happy with a lot of things in my life, things I could change if I worked at it. I don't like the fact that I am overweight but all I have to do is diet. I don't like the fact that I'm mean but all I have to do is smile more. The reason I decided to start this journal here was a recent revelation that occurred on Sunday, yesterday. I had talked to a couple of my friends on Saturday. I told them of my dreams of becoming a doctor, a writer and of getting out of debt. I talked of moving and living alone, of finding out who I really am. I cried when I expressed my guilt and bitterness, the two demons that follow me throughout my life regardless of my intentions to overcome. I had long since released my dreams of being a pastor's wife, of fulfilling what I believed to be my destiny. I attended another church that morning since I had stayed the night in another town and still had friends to see there. I sat in the sermon beside one of my friends and zoned out. I wasn't listening. I was thinking about the Christmas play I'm working on and about the money I owed and the fact that I want to move and live alone. The sermon was about the light, staying in the light of God. About stepping up to the potential God has for you, living the life he wants for you. I wasn't convicted at all. Of course, I wasn't really listening. Toward the end of the sermon, the pastor said that there were people with futures that weren't gaining what God had for them. There were pastors and pastors wives. That we stepped out of God's Will and expected to step back in without anything being different. But God was moving and if we weren't moving with Him, He would move on without us. I guess I would not have been convicted but I had just told my friend, who happens to be a male, that I didn't believe God wanted me to be a pastors wife, that maybe, even if He did, that that wasn't all He wanted me to do. My friend had told me that he wanted to be a pastor but he believed as I did, that there was more he had to accomplish. The pastor had said that when he was called to preach, he thought there was a lot he still had to do, a lot he wanted to do. But when God calls you either answer or you miss out. So what? Did I miss out? I sat there and wondered why I wasn't a wife at least, why I was watching my friends get married while I remained alone. I told God I wanted an answer. I told Him to tell me then what I was doing wrong. The answer was clear once I pressed. He told me I had never sacrificed my life fully to Him. I held onto things that I should have given to Him. And so I have given my life to Him. I told Him that He had control and that I would do what He tells me to. And I will. You may think this sounds batty. I think the best way to explain is that you are the only one that fully understands you. God has a way about Him that can only be felt, not taught or explained. God is awesome but I am not here to sway your thoughts toward or away. I am here to express me. I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world! |
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