Just Jul Lee is just me. I write my thoughts and observations.
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!
This is just a journal about me and what I feel and experience. It will speak of God quite often and since I am human it will speak of loneliness occasionally experienced and other emotions we all deal with.
I hope that you will read this objectively and rate it fairly, if you rate it at all. Please don't rate it if you're just doing it because you disagree with me. I am not you and you are not me, that's what makes us great. We believe differently and do things differently.
Sit back and enjoy but if you don't want to hear about God then stop now.
Just Jul Lee
I currently have a blog on myspace so that explains why I've been so silent on this one.
I was reading through my old blogs and saw the thread of pain running through it. I must say that the world was pretty bleak back then with a few days of light in His presence.
Today, however, I am in covenant with my church family and there are friendships forming that are godly and deep, superficial friendships and the pain they cause being a thing of the past.
And so, I thought, I would write a small blog to let all know that the days do get better if you trust in God and wait.
Oh, and I'm still single. But it's all good! Read 1 Corinthians 7.
Will They Ever Stop?
DATE: June 15, 2006
I had yet another dream of handsome, long-haired guys (do they exist here in my state? Not likely!) and I must say that I was extremely disappointed to awaken.
I met these two brothers, both with long, straight black hair (to their waists!) and great smiles. One was older (he was the one I liked, by the by) and had thicker hair but I think there was only a year difference. Believe it or not, I don't remember the name of the one I liked. He was a little broader, not heavy just more muscular or something because I remember thinking that the younger one, named Aric, by the way, was skinnier.
Anyway, I was talking to them as we three sat on the floor somewhere and I mentioned something like, "I love your hair. I think long hair on guys is sexy." Yeah...like I'd ever have the nerve to say that.
They laughed and the older brother gathered some of his hair and tied it away from his face and I was like, Oh yeah, he's the guy for me.
Anyway, so I end up being friends with them although I know that I want to date the older guy. At some point, the older brother does something pretty bad (I can't remember what) and I'm horribly disappointed in him.
He invites me to the park with his parents and I'm like, yeah, whatever. As we're walking through the park, I get a phone call. I'm next to some white stone fountain with a matching bench so I pull out my phone. When I see it's Aric, I get a little flutter in my stomach and realize that it's him I love.
Yeah, go figure.
So, I answer the phone and he asks me in Spanish (which I don't speak by the way) where I am and I reply, "At the park with your brother and parents". He asks me, in Spanish again, when I'll be leaving, to which I reply, "I don't really know".
Just so you know, he would say the question in Spanish and I would hear it translated immediately afterwards. I am under no great impression that the Spanish in my dream was the real thing. LOL. All my responses were in English.
So, then he says to me, "Will you marry me?" Over the phone, for sobbing out loud! I flounder a bit and he's like, "Let me know" and hangs up.
As I am walking with the older brother and parents through the park, a four digit number keeps floating in front of me, like a video game, and I press a number, messing up. I get frustrated and focus on the phone, intent on saying yes to Aric but I wake to my annoying alarm!
Just so you know, his name is spelled that way because in my dream, when I met him, his name spelled ARIC appeared in my head so I know that's right. I wish I could remember the brothers name.
Thanks for listening!
I tend to complain a lot...
DATE: January 23, 2006
First of all, Happy New Year...
I notice that I complain a lot. I thought that God had just recently asked me to stop complaining but looking back through my blog I notice that I was told this awhile ago. Hmmm...
Anyway, still single, not attending church and feeling like a failure are the foremost things in my life at the current time.
The good news? My friend and I are friends again and we are hanging out together once more. How wonderful it that?
Otherwise, I'm just trying to see where the path is leading but it winds way too much for me to tell.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see, huh?
Talk to you later.
Shasta-fied!! or An Email To Friends
DATE: December 15, 2005
Ah, yes, so here I sit, typing when I should be working, daydreaming of warm climates and Jon, thinking of the fact that I actually managed to begin training my replacement this morning and that, hopefully, Sunday will be my last day, which will free up the holidays for me to veg out watching the seventh season of Frasier, which finally arrived yesterday, and eat myself into a coma before torturing myself at the gym and beginning a diet, hoping to reach the goal weight, and NOT making it a New Years Resolution since those never seem to pan out anyway so basically I am saying that I am Shasta-fied, which is just another Julie-ism that I made up for the point of this letter, hence the subject.
And how are you doing?
My mom told me that I had to get my tree put up. She had a friend purchase me a pretty spiffy Tinkerbell ornament from DisneyWorld while she was there (the friend was there, not my mom) and I looked at it and smiled, said it was 'spiffy' and continued to be truly excited about the arrival of Frasier and the purchase of Kronk's New Groove. I explained to her that it was my fault, not hers, that I lacked the enthusiasm necessary to dance about on the tips of my toes and chortle "Last Cigarette" in the loud voice I use to.
I have, on that note, no pun intended, noticed that my giddiness has faltered as of late and that I am adrift on the gentle river of contentment. Can it be that life is settling into a rut? That, my friends, would be horrible for me. I need to shake up my world, much like my hand would shake up the snow globe given to me by my brother from his honeymoon cruise, and send a flurry of snow about the small, contained world of Florida. Snow? Hold on...okay, glitter it is. Hmmm...even my New York snowglobe doesn't have snow...I need to purchase me a snowglobe with snow...but enough about that.
I wonder at the possibility of light in the darkness and the overcoming of self doubt. How horrible is it, I ask you, that we can sit here and question our worth? I understand that God loves me and that I am His and that I am important to Him. Why then do I ponder my worth with my co-workers and my family? What do I care how they feel about me? Afterall, I only have to answer to God, right?
Well, today has been interesting, all things considered. Last night, I felt the insane rage of my past rise up in me and I realized that, yes, I'm backsliding. Repenting and moving forward is my only option now. How did this happen anyway? I mean, I know I missed a few church services, had a few drinks when I went out with friends, let a few road rage and bitter issues rise once more, but how did I backslide? Little by little, I wager...
You may be wondering what the heck the point of this email is. I really don't know so I can't help you there. I just thought, hmmm, I think I'll write an email. So, here is the email I wrote and am still in the process of writing at the moment that I'm writing this...hee hee.
Hollywood has tainted my life in a cloud of fantasy which is great for my writing talent but sucks for my brain. It throws me into dreams of stupid surealism and I am adrift upon a foggy ocean and there is a fog horn ringing in my ear...oh, that's my alarm! So, you really thought I was going to drag you down the thorny, twisted path of my dreams, huh? Sorry, but you'll have to read about them in my next novel.
I'm thinking of using this email in my blog so if you are reading my blog and wondering why the heck there is an email in there, this is why. I used it in my blog...assuming I do so...which I did if you're reading my blog right now and these are the words in front of you, then I have blogged this email.
It's going to happen...
Okay, so, I guess that I'm feeling tired and therefore the weird Julie has come out to play. I knew I should have reinforced the locks...
I hope to hear from you soon (obviously I'm talking to those I emailed this to, not to the bloggers reading it) and I will definately be writing soon.
I hope you have a Shasta-fied day full of Julie-isms and some you-isms as well!
P.S. Sorry about the spelling...
Don't Give Up...
DATE: November 22, 2005
I was very happy today and someone, very unknowingly and therefore carelessly, tossed my joy aside and threw me into a pit of sorrow. Ah, me...
So it was that I mused about marriage. Now, how I always tend to end up here I have no idea but there I sat, thinking that I am truly a horrible soul and that, though redeemed, I am far from the person God wants me to be.
What does that mean? Basically it means that I am running around the same mountain, tripping over the same rocks and thinking that life is not all it's cracked up to be. Now, know that because I have God in my life, I am willing to work out this life and continue trudging forward but I am seeing the back of the mountain again and I'm getting a little bored with the scenery.
God often has to tell us something, or show us something, numerous times before we even begin to glimpse what He wants us to see. So, I have come to the conclusion:
"God, I don't want to marry a man who is anything like me!"
That said, I think, once again, that I may be off base with the whole 'Pastor's wife' calling on my life. I mean, really, what in the world could I be thinking? So, I have asked God to make it clear to me, His calling.
The thing is that I don't want to be full of hope and longing for something that isn't His plan for me. I am absolutely not a 'catch', as it were and I am such a 'freak' when it comes to talking to guys that the only way that I could possibly become a wife is if God has His hand in it completely. And if He doesn't...well...you know.
I can't imagine falling in love. Okay, so that's sort of a lie. I can very well imagine falling in love but having someone fall in love with me seems unreal and very unrealistic. I can't even imagine it.
So I see guys in movies (Hollywood is horrible, isn't it?) staring at a girl as though they can't look at them enough, fighting for a relationship that seems doomed from the beginning or meets opposition at every street corner, and I think, "That would be so cool!"
That would be so cool...
I want God to tell me yes or no, straight out, in such a way that I can believe with all my heart and soul that there is a man out there that loves God first and foremost and loves me so much that it hurts inside. Of course the feeling will be mutual because God is a perfect God.
I don't want to believe in this man if he doesn't exist. I asked God, "Is there really a man out there for me?" That is how I came to my earlier conclusion of the man not being anything like me. Doesn't it seem like unworthwhile pain and suffering to fall in love? Doesn't it seem like a waste of time to marry and live with someone? Doesn't it?
I'm not against marriage and I'm not saying this to folks who are or are going to be married. I'm saying this to the singles who are completely consumed with finding 'the one' that they end up finding 'the wrong one' and settling. That's why most marriages end in divorce, why most teens are having babies, or are aborting babies, and why child abuse and domestic violence is on the rise.
What can I possibly do to overcome this?
Don't give up...
My Grandmother and Grandfather just celebrated their 50th Wedding Anniversary on Saturday. That, my friends, was totally inspiring. That renewed my faith in marriage slightly, lifted my spirits and made me happy.
50 years...don't give up...
So, I'll wait for the Lord to answer me and try my best not to bore folks around me with my fears and doubts. I am going to do my best to love and serve God and to believe, no matter what comes my way.
Because He loves me and I love Him and He is all I need.
I wish...oh, how I wish!
DATE: November 18, 2005
Okay, basically, my obsessive nature is emerging today. I thought of the guy from Hastings for most of the morning, wishing I had reacted better and that I could see him again. Why? I have no earthly clue.
I think that I want to fall in love and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why that is. I mean, what’s so great about love?
Granted, my one experience with ‘love’ was one-sided (mine) and thus was nothing but heartache, trauma and sorrow. Not to mention all the drifting on the sickening sea of daydreams, pining my life away and wishing for something that wasn’t meant to be. Joy…
Okay, I am not a knocker of love for I understand that it is valid and worthwhile in most cases, ahem, but I have yet to experience or truly see such cases first hand outside of Hollywood romance movies.
Wondering why Julie is like this won’t help. Just consider me odd and move on, if my spewing of borderline depressing thoughts is, well, depressing you. Don’t try to unravel the tangled, twisted, tainted ball of twine that is I.
I can’t help but refuse, that’s right, REFUSE, to believe that love will ever find me, at least before I’m old and gray. Half of me is pleased with my solitary life, my independent nature but the other half of me is screaming for love and acceptance and yes, though I loathe thinking about it, passion. *shudder*
Okay, the guy from Hastings is just the right guy at the wrong time…no, the wrong guy at the right time…huh? The wrong guy at the wrong time…there it is. But he was the first and, so far, only guy that sent my head spinning, my pulse racing and my imagination soaring. Now, I know I don’t love the guy for I don’t even know him…not even his name! But, I wish I had been different that day. I wish I had had the confidence needed to win over hearts and capture attention. I wish…oh, how I wish!
DATE: November 1, 2005
Yes, I am sad but I read the newsletter for November for the praying hands group and I know that our God is an awesome God and despite how I feel, He deserves praise and thanks. So, though I am sad, I am thankful for my loving and faithful God, who loves me more than I could ever know, who chose me and protects me.
Give thanks, children of God!
I didn't want to but I will...
DATE: October 31, 2005
I told myself that I didn't want to write a depressed blog but I will anyway. I wrote the blog a few minutes ago about Halloween and what I still have left to do but my mind is whirling and I guess I should just let it all out, rather than turn it over and over and over again in my mind.
I broke my brother's tv on Wednesday. I wasn't able to fix it and now I'll have to pay to have it fixed. No big deal. I really don't mind having to pay for it to be fixed since I am the one that broke it but I am dreading my brother's reaction. I keep hoping that he'll be fine with it since I'm taking responsibility for what I've done. I think that he will actually be upset but he will be forgiving and he will be understanding and that he will actually be nice. But, as the day carries on, I am thinking that I may be, and probably am, horribly optimistic and therefore tragically wrong.
I hate the fact that I fail my family so much. I always seem to let them down. I can't stand the fact that I just can't seem to do things correctly, that I can bring so much pain and sorrow to those that love me. I try to be good and to be a better person but for some reason I just seem to fail them constantly. I dread telling them the truth about so many things because I know that I'll get a lecture and they will be upset with me for so long afterward.
I have set up a counseling session with my Pastor at last. I feel so foolish bringing up the whole calling of God thing and the marriage thing and whatnot but I have known how I felt for many years and I think it is time that I let Pastor know how I feel. I just think it's pointless and foolish to talk to him about these things. I mean, there is really nothing that can be done, right? I just felt the fear Sunday again and I realized that it was still there. I'm fine as long as I don't hear about marriage but I seem to be surrounded by engaged and dating couples and the last few sermons have been about marriage so the fear has risen up in me again.
Jennie never wrote me. Enough said there.
I just can't help but feel as though I'm drifting and there is no paddle or lifesaver nearby. I am living for God, loving Him so much that I know if I ever left Him I would die inside, but I still feel as though I'm constantly failing, as though I'm reaching for that nearest star and slipping, tumbling to the ground before I even get near it.
But, that's just me.
I still have to carve my pumpkin...
DATE: October 31, 2005
It is Halloween and I still haven't carved my pumpkin. I am going to try to carve it tonight when I get home but it's also my sister-in-law's birthday and my mom has a small party planned and then Prison Break comes on tonight and I have to see what's going to happen so I don't know if I'll even have a carved pumpkin this year. I already bought the pumpkin and everything, I just haven't carved it.
Saturday night we had a Halloween Carnival at church and I went as a Dark Fairy. My costume was pretty spiffy but my mom did my makeup. I didn't really like the way it looked but I got an insane amount of compliments on it and so I guess it was just all in my head. I had a lot of fun at the carnival but I left an hour and a half before it ended because I had to go scrub all the stuff out of my hair and off my face. I manned two booths, the Duck Pond and Rock in a Cup. My mom eventually took over one of them so that I could relax a little. I also did the Cupcake walk three times and won a Carmel Apple, a Popcorn Ball and a Cupcake. I left with a bag of candy and a Neopets Unicorn. I also received a bag of candy Sunday evening at church from the woman that organized the event as a thank you.
I dressed up as Maleficent for work today. She's the villain off of Sleeping Beauty (Disney) if you don't know. I am surprised at how little people know about her. She is my favorite villain. I don't know why, so don't ask. We had a party at work today and we had pizza and cokes and cake...mmmm...I am so full. It was fun just chilling in the front chatting about nothing. But, now, I have to work.
Otherwise, that's my Halloween in a nutshell.
Happy Haunting all!