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One man's journey to find the way home |
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I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit. I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY? Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation.... WELCOME!! |
| Thanks for opportunity to write myself. I am feeling the angst of retirement. I am trying to discern how good or bad life is. The issue of legacy is a painful memory of how I am faced with choices each step of the way. |
| What a crazy trial. I hate eating differently. The results are not the best. I am snuggling near 210. It is a chore. I have real issues with feeling it to be like a punishment. I realize that I am making the decision. I am faced with my body being the temple of the Holy Spirit. That does not mean I am happy going forward |
| I hope to get thru today. It is all I have left. Will I even have a job? Who knows? Part of me does not even care. I went into caregiving with the right motivation. It looks like it may not end well. I can only hope I choose to end it before someone does it for me. God is ever there and as scripture says often enough vengeance is mine says the Lord. |
| How do I get back in the game,?I am past frustrated by all the stress I feel. God give me strength. The same angst as I continue to face work with five guys. Why are they cared for by women. Is it there choice and even if it is does that entitle people to care for them as if anything they do will be applauded whether it is in the best interest if the guys or not. I sit here paralyzed by feelings of inadequacy. Do I continue to work or do I take time off? |
| In truth I am a long way from the peace of knowing what it means to feel at one with all that exists. I am feeling better. That can be good and bad at the same time. The essence of being is not over doing it. I need to put together some goals that let me know I am getting somewhere. Maybe I go to Spectrum. Maybe I get Sharon signed up to UPMC insurance, fill out my catalog to get drugs. My hope is to feel that I make progress. I would love to write my story or even a poem. The poem is to share with others I am. I am a human being, Who is becoming whole What am I seeing? That I am full of hope Ready to believe in me Knowing I am all I can be |
| Not feeling that great and yet how does one know and experience wellness if they are not sick. How is that for profound? I hope I write more and I catch the writing bug again. I am noticing I have freedom since I said I was into retirement. It was a reminder of the hurts that are the springboard for me entering the ocean of life. I have know what it means to feel suicidal and the abuse that I experienced and saw in the space of a few days reminds me how fragile life can be. Hey it could be me? Don't ever think of me perfect. To name abuse is to know one is just as capable of it and yes it sickens me to think of the times I let my emotions get the best of me and yet these same emotions allow me to know joy. It is well with my soul. |
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