Deadinside's Notebook

Deadinside

Feb 10, 2024 at 9:56am

Finally I have got the extra money to pay for my account!

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dogpack:saving 4 premium: DWG

Feb 10, 2024 at 10:02am

Congratulations! I'm glad you reached your goal.

☮ The Grum Of Grums

Aug 20, 2022 at 12:33pm

Hi Deadinside

I was drawn to your writing as a result of your tragic handle. That is, in no sense to deny the pain of your experiences. Losing those you love is always a series of tragedies, and grief is a function of loss. And your grief is unique to you, and NO-ONE can tell you how you should deal with it. In my experience, as both a human being and, secondarily, as a social worker suggests that you deal with it in the smallest time periods that work for you. So, for example, live one day at a time, or even one hour at a time. There are no hard and fast rules for this, it's just what works for you.

One thing I will tell you that may (or may not) help. Remember that the past is gone and we can;t change it, no matter how painful it may be. The ancient Greek poet, Agathon, said, "Even God cannot change the past." so we're stuck with it. On the other hand, we can't know the future. So we're stuck with the here and now which is itself a gift (which it's why it's called "the present"!}

Now I'm NOT saying you should forget. You can't. What you can do is to, as it were, wrap you memories in tissue paper and tuck them away in the back corner of the bottom drawer. You can then take them out and visit them as the need arises. But, as I would say, the past is like Melbourne - a nice [lace to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.

I hope this helps, just a tiny bit, Deadinside. If you'd like to continue a conversation, I'd be happy to do so. But if so, please give me a name that I can call you.

Warm regards

An angel appears to be rising from the fire.

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Deadinside

Mar 1, 2023 at 1:58am

Thanks for your time and comforting message. I'm afraid I am too damaged on the inside, 11 years have passed since I found my brother dead and two years ago I was confronted with the fact that he had actually been murdered. Since the year 2008 I have lost a loved one every other year. My brothe died in 2012, so I have lost everyone except my mother who accuses me for being alive, she says she wishes I was the one who died. I have no contact with her anymore because she makes me feel guilty for being alive. I have two grown up girls left,the rest of our family are already gone. My biggest fear is for something to happen to them, my first born uses drugs and live in streets, a dangerous life. I am not sure if I can cope with yet another loss. I have been wishing for my turn to die since age 6, it's the main part of my life. It doesn't make my psychical health any better that I am so, so lonely. My real name is Jenny. Thank you once again for writing to me, it often feels like I don't exist anymore me neither.

Deadinside

Jan 31, 2023 at 8:17pm

Hi there all of you fellow writers!
I am going to be very proud of myself for writing my first update ever (although I have not finished it yet)! First off and most important for all of us I guess, is to make sure that we are trying to be the best version of ourselves and it includes treating ourselves as good as we are treating our friends. I think you can find one good word in the morning to give the reflection in the mirror a little more cred than you usually do. I think I am an amazing person to be able to watch the reflection and serve a joke about how I manage to make the long walk from bedroom to bathroom (approximately 5 steps) with my eyes still shut and not once have I got lost! But to be able to get some sleep this night I have to get to the point of the question about where I have been for the last two months. I am not joking about this but I have been trying to get some food for me and my homeless daughter. Nowadays it is a line of people that all wants to be fortunated enough to be able to get a bread or anything at all to eat from the trashcans at the back of all the stores that sells food. It can be a pretty good fight for the limited amount of food there is. I have been forced to do some serious thinking about how to do what needs to be done to make sure for the two of my daughters to go to bed with food in their s
bellys. To be perfectly honest I have to swallow my pride and not be afraid to take down as many people as I can to be able to get food. I have a bachelor's degree in the Art of History and a lot of more years of studying in my university education. But I am not sure if I can make it from this day or need to starve my body, making sure I can feed my grown up girls is my top priority. Girl age 25 sleeps in my bed when she runs the risc of freezing to death and otherwise she is a homeless person in a society who doesn't care about the children diagnosed with ADHD and similar. They are just a big problem and they will most likely die in a very young age. They got rid of my brother by the way, he was homeless for 7 years and died in his first flat 11 years ago at the age of 28. My girl age 20 has a social housing flat and the only reason she is not homeless is the fact that she is working full time as a truck driver! Not good enough for a flat in my country. Why don't I just let my own daughters live with me? This one is not a joke; in our country it's a very good reason for an eviction! Please do guess in which country we live in!

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