I like it! Haikus are always hard to criticize because they're so short, but I think this one evokes a nice sunny feeling because of all the warm imagery, which I like. The phrasing "so the world can rise" is succinct, as it has to be for the poem, but it also creates a sense of unity and community. It makes me think about the world getting out of bed to greet the morning. Really great poem!
I really like the format of the poem. It flows and has a rhythmic cadence to it. Each of the phrases are very well written and they go well together, and they do convey some emotions of mayhem and fear, which is good. However, I think it could use a little more substance; I know it's supposed to be interpreted, but you could give a little more to interpret. It could be as simple as adding a couple more lines (without changing the reflecting scheme, because I think that's brilliant).
Good job, though. I think you've got an ear for cadence.
To start off with, this is a really interesting concept and I find myself wanting to know how the social contract will contribute to the plot of the book, so that's a mark of a great first chapter! I commend you on that. I like your style of writing, too; your protagonist has a pretty distinct voice already, which is a skill that's hard to master.
As far as pacing, I had some issues with the beginning paragraphs. You start off at a time in the present, and then after one paragraph shoot back four months in the past, and then go even further back to the fifth grade. All the time travel made me shake my head and reread a couple paragraphs for clarity, which broke up the flow. I'd suggest either taking out the beginning and starting four months in the past, on the last time that he sees Abraham for awhile, and then move on back to the first time they meet; or else starting with his childhood and then moving forward into the future to the last time they meet. Either way it creates bookends that are linear and more pleasant to read, clears up confusion, and removes the unimportant first paragraph.
Beyond that, there are a couple lines I pulled out that I think need clarification or editing:
"fellow sufferers in the Saturday morning intermediate daddy-and-me hippie fest which runs my young family a small fortune"
This is long-winded and it's not clear what kind of event it is describing to me. I would suggest removing it.
"and they'd spent half the following morning trying to get everyone to call me 'Popup', like a sex ad or something."
I would move the bit of dialogue about pressing the X to make the popup shut off to around this place, because until that dialogue I wasn't sure why they were calling him that. I would also take out the 'like a sex ad or something' because it's awkward to read and in the middle of focusing on an elementary school setting, kind of out of place.
" was like waiting for a taxi to stop in the middle of the highway at rush hour."
Maybe "New York boulevard" or even "busy street" instead of highway. Nobody stops on highways.
" (I never claimed I was any better.) and (Yeah. It wasn't exactly Montessori school.)"
The parentheticals are unnecessary because, as a first person narrative, you're already in the mind of the character. They can break prose to 'speak' to the reader at any time without parenthesis. I also wouldn't recommend them because they look awkward. I would recommend deleting them both; the Montessori school one doesn't really make sense and they are both superfluous to the dialogue, which should flow more smoothly.
"
and I didn't take those words lightly. Abraham was what I like to call 'kid-brilliant': he came out with schemes that made kids sigh in awe and adults chuckle in appreciation of the sheer creativity involved. They tended to require at least two random leaps of logic that you couldn't possibly make unless Abraham was holding your hand the whole time, dragging you along with him."
This is a nice insight into Abraham's character, but I was under the impression that they were meeting for the first time and this implies a sort of intimate relationship already. It also seems to be a confusing return to the present, which shouldn't happen until you are ready to fully end the flashback. If you must include this character development at that point, I would suggest instead sharing an anecdote of when Abraham shared one of his plans with someone and the protagonist overheard or noticed.
"Sometimes I get so excited I forget to think because I'm too busy talking and planning and wishing and waving my arms, until suddenly I'm just marooned on fantasy island with no bridge, boat or signal flare"
Either take out some of the verbs/nouns in "bridge, boat or signal flare" or "talking and planning and wishing and waving my arms" because the sentence is too long and run-on-y.
Wow. This review got really long. Sorry about that. I hope all my feedback makes sense! Feel free to message or email me or whatever (new to this site, not sure what protocol is) with any questions. Really great start!
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